


I Feel It When You Look At Me

by photographer_of_thoughts



Series: To See Without My Eyes [1]
Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bipolar Disorder, Blind Character, Blind Even, Blindness, Bottom Even Bech Næsheim, Emotional Manipulation, Frottage, Hand Jobs, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Loving Isak Valtersen, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Misunderstandings, Oral Sex, Protective Isak, Romance, Sexy Times, Top Isak Valtersen, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-27
Updated: 2017-07-20
Packaged: 2018-10-24 12:22:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 77,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10741617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/photographer_of_thoughts/pseuds/photographer_of_thoughts
Summary: "Did you hear about the new guy?" Jonas asked, motioning over to the other side of the cafeteria.Isak looked up and became rather breathless at the sight of the tall, blonde, and totally gorgeous boy wearing sunglasses.Wait. Sunglasses? Inside?"Must suck to be the new transfer and blind. I hope someone is helping him find all his classes."Or, Isak and Even learn to see each other.





	1. See You Around

**Author's Note:**

> **As always, Skam and characters do not belong to me. Only fiction here.  
> **Title from the song "Angel Eyes" by The Jeff Healey Band

Isak didn’t expect much from his second year at Nissen. Same old shit. Same old façade to emulate, but the show must go on, right? Which was why he was currently smoking weed out of a water bottle pipe and laughing at something dumb Magnus had just said. And talking about all the girls he had absolutely no interest in.

The thing was, Isak _knew_ somewhere deep down that he had been in love with Jonas all of last year. He knew the reason he broke Eva and Jonas up wasn’t because he had feelings for Eva. And he knew Sara did nothing at all to stir lust within his gut and he knew he hated feeling up her boobs because they were too squishy where he just wanted to feel solid muscle.

And he _also_ knew it was 2016 and nobody would probably give a fuck if he wanted boys, but his mother sent him passages from the Bible all day long and it made Isak cringe every time he read them. He couldn’t help but think that if his own mother thought he was going to Hell, why wouldn’t everyone else?

So Isak kissed Emma and showed off and slept in too late and ate way too little and drank way too much. But it was okay. Life didn’t seem to have much else to offer anyways, so he was taking what he could get.

**

It was the first day of school and Isak had already fucked up. He owed Sana his presence at Kosegruppa because he’d left the weed at Eva’s party. God, Sana knew how to hold his balls in the palm of her hand. He both admired and loathed her.

He also couldn’t find his textbooks or figure out his goddamn locker. And his mother would not stop sending him messages about hellfire, as if she could sense the way Isak was checking out some boys’ asses as they’d walked by earlier.

So, by the time lunch rolled around Isak didn’t have much appetite. He picked at his sandwich, absentmindedly listening to his friends when suddenly something Jonas said caught his attention.

“Did you hear about the new guy?” Jonas asked, motioning over to the other side of the cafeteria.

Isak looked up and became rather breathless at the sight of the tall, blonde and totally gorgeous boy wearing sunglasses.

Wait.

Sunglasses? Inside?

“What’s up with that?” Isak found himself asking before he could really stop himself. But he was curious.

Magnus started to sing – obnoxiously loud – _I wear my sunglasses at night!_ And laughed like it was the funniest thing in the world. Jonas reached over and smacked his arm, effectively shutting him up.

“Dude!”

Isak saw how the mysterious boy gazed in their direction, and Isak had a horrible image of the boy standing up and walking over; taking off his sunglasses and demanding to know what the hell their problem was.

Isak didn’t need more drama on the first day, for fuck’s sake.

“He’s blind, Magnus. Show some goddamn respect.” Jonas snapped, shaking his head.

Isak frowned and looked over at Jonas. “He’s…what?”

“Blind. Don’t you see the cane beside him?” Jonas explained, and Isak titled his head to the side in order to see what was next to the boy. He then saw a white cane leaning against the boy’s chair.

“Shit.”

“Yeah. Must suck to be the new transfer _and_ blind. I hope someone is helping him find all his classes.”

Isak licked his lips and reached for his soda, wanting to wet his throat that was suddenly and weirdly dry. Isak couldn’t take his eyes off the boy and now that he knew he couldn’t see Isak, he didn’t feel so bad about staring.

“Anyways, can we please talk about the girl with the cat tongue? Because _seriously!”_ Magnus announced, laughing like it was the funniest thing in the universe.

But Isak didn’t hear the rest of their conversation. He kept pretending to eat his food and then stealing glances at the boy whenever he knew his friends weren’t looking at him. The boy was eating his lunch slowly and methodically, taking small bites of what looked like a similar sandwich to Isak’s. He wasn’t speaking to anyone. He had headphones in so he probably couldn’t hear what was going on around him, and he didn’t seem to care.

Isak couldn’t help but feel worried because the boy looked…sad. He looked lonely. Isak couldn’t stop imagining what it would be like to go through school blind. How could his friends be talking about stupid, trivial shit right now? How could they not wonder what the boy was thinking, or what – _if anything –_ the boy could see. And how would his day go, and what was he listening to and what…

“Earth to Isak!”

Isak looked up and saw that all his friends were standing and waiting for him. He shook his head and stood up as well, grabbing the rest of his lunch and throwing it out into the trash bin.

“Sorry. Daydreaming.” Isak said, stealing one last glance at the boy who looked about to get up as well before he walked out of the cafeteria.

**

Isak was walking out of his last class, eager to find his friends and start walking home, so he wasn’t exactly paying attention. He was reading a message from his father as he walked, which was a dumb idea, but he thought he had some co-ordination.

He thought that right up until he turned a corner and slammed into another student, knocking himself and the other person to the ground. Isak fell awkwardly on his arm and let out a loud “fuck!” before he straightened himself up to see the state of the other person.

His eyes went wide when he realized he had just run into _the boy._

The boy who was blind.

Fucking hell. Isak had just knocked over the new _blind_ boy.

“Shit, I’m so sorry!” Isak rushed to say, sitting up and automatically reaching for the boy who was lying flat on his back.

He still had sunglasses on and he looked defeated.

“Just my luck, really.” The boy said, his voice laced with anger and Isak suddenly felt nervous.

“I wasn’t looking where I was going. Here, let me help you.” Isak attempted again, reaching for the boy’s hand.

But the boy sat up rather quickly and pushed Isak away.

“I don’t need your help.” He spat, feeling around the floor for his cane which had also gotten knocked to the floor when Isak was being a clumsy fuck.

Isak spotted the cane on the other side of the hallway and he walked over to it, avoiding bumping into anyone else in the hallway.

Nobody seemed to care that a blind boy had fallen down. Fucking assholes, Isak thought.

“It got pushed over here.” Isak mumbled, putting the cane in the boy’s hands.

“Thanks.” The boy muttered, finally getting up on his feet again and leaning against the wall to steady himself. He let out a long sigh.

Isak hovered near him, not knowing what to say. He could feel himself blushing. He could feel himself wanting to apologize again, but he figured the boy wouldn’t take too kindly to it. So he kept quiet.

“Are you still there?” The boy asked, raising his eyebrows. Isak could see them pop up over the rim of the sunglasses.

“Ugh, yeah…yes! I’m still here.” Isak rushed to say, feeling so fucking stupid.

Apparently the boy thought he was funny though because he chuckled and shook his head. Isak couldn’t help but feel a twinge of hope bloom inside his chest.

The guy had a fucking glorious smile.

“Could you help me then and show me which way leads to the front doors? I’m all turned around now.”

“Oh,” Isak gulped. “Sure. It’s that way.” He pointed in the direction of the quickly emptying hallway, everyone rushing to get out and enjoy their evenings.

“Um, bro?” The guy asked.

Isak looked back at him. “Yeah?”

“In case you haven’t noticed, I’m blind. I can’t see where you’re pointing.”

“Fuck, _shit._ Ugh, my bad. How can I show you then?” Isak asked, his face turning the colour of a tomato. Why did he suck so much?

The boy put his hands out hesitantly and took a step towards Isak. Isak stayed very still, waiting for the boy’s hands to reach his chest and when they did Isak resisted the urge to flinch. Because the guy had really big hands and they were currently touching Isak’s too hot skin, and then the boy went on to reach up and fucking cup Isak’s cheek in the most tender of gestures…and Isak couldn’t really breathe anymore.

“Take my hand and show me.” The boy said, his voice gone dark and hazy around the edges. Isak let out a shaky breath and reached his hand out to cup the other boy’s.

His skin was so soft; his palms almost buttery as Isak gently pulled and held the boy’s hand in the right direction.

“T-this way.” Isak whispered, hoping the boy could hear him.

The boy didn’t say anything for a moment, and Isak couldn’t tell which way the boy’s head was turned. But he wondered if the boy’s face was anywhere near what it would be if he were _able_ to look at Isak. He wondered what the boy would think if he could see Isak. Would he like him? Would he think he was ugly?

Would he spare him a thought at all?

“Thank you.” The boy said, detangling their hands and grasping his cane. “It was nice bumping into you.”

Isak let out a small laugh and ran the hand that had just been clutching the boy’s hand through his hair; a nervous gesture.

Why did this feel like flirting?

“Sorry…again. About that. I’ll keep my eyes open more.”

Isak faltered because really? Did he really just say that?

_Fucking hell._

But the boy laughed again as he started walking away. “You do that.”

Isak was about to let him go because the boy seemed set on leaving, but there were so many people in the hallway still. And stairs coming up that lead outside. And who was going to help him get home?

Isak was walking before he knew he was going to do it.

“Wait, ugh.” Isak muttered inarticulately. “Don’t you…need help? To get home or…s-something?”

The boy stopped walking and turned in Isak’s direction, a smirk playing on his lips.

“Do you think I’m incapable of getting myself home?”

Shit. Isak should have just shut up.

“No! No, of course not. I just…I know you’re new here and I didn’t know if you knew how the school is set up, or…or, I don’t know. If you had a friend to meet you. I just…fuck. Sorry. I’ll go now.” Isak scrambled, mentally kicking himself in the face.

He went to walk away when he felt the boy clutch onto the bottom of his jacket, extending his reach to compensate for the space Isak had moved away from.

“Hold on.” The boy said, steading himself. “I’m only joking. Thanks for your concern. I do have a friend meeting me.”

Isak unconsciously moved closer to the boy, a flutter in his chest at the way he still hadn’t let go of Isak’s jacket.

_Not flirting_. Get it together, Valtersen.

“Okay. I’m glad.” Isak said.

“What’s your name?”

Isak parted his lips to answer, the word right there on his tongue, but then the boy was pulling Isak closer to him. Their chests were practically touching and Isak could feel the boy’s cool breath on his face. Isak instinctively put his hands up to prevent himself from falling, and they ended up landing on the taller boy’s shoulders.

Shit. They were basically embracing in the damn hallway.

“Isak.”

“Hm.” The boy sighed, moving his hand that was clutching Isak’s jacket back up to Isak’s face, running his fingertips lightly across Isak’s jaw.

And then his cheek.

His nose.

The outline of his lips.

The curl of his hair that had escaped his snapback.

His forehead.

Isak didn’t breathe.

“Nice to meet you, Isak. I’m Even.”

And just as quickly as it happened, Even pulled away. He took a step back from Isak and Isak was sure Even could still hear the frantic beating of his heart.

“I have to go.”

“Okay.” Isak croaked out. “See you around?”

Even broke out into that laugh again. “I’m sure _you’ll_ see _me,_ Isak. But if you want me to see you…”

He trailed off, and Isak literally face-palmed this time because how stupid could he be?

“I’m…”

“Don’t be sorry, Isak.”

Even said his name like a prayer.

“I’ll see you around. Just not with my eyes.”

And he walked away, leaving Isak stunned and sweaty…and kind of turned on.

Maybe second year wasn’t going to be boring after all.


	2. I Like You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the support so far! I'm extremely excited about this fic <3

Isak hated his friends.

They were the absolute worst. None of them showed up for the fucking kosegruppa nonsense and Isak could not roll his eyes fast enough. Typical.

Emma came over a second ago to say hi and Isak kind of wanted to die. He didn’t want her attention; the way she smiled at him all expectantly like he was supposed to be excited she was there too.

He didn’t want her to want _him._

Isak was seconds away from standing up and walking out – he’d find the money to pay back Mahdi some other way - when his eyes landed on Sana, who looked to be helping someone come inside.

 _Even_.

Isak couldn’t describe the feelings that washed over him as he saw Even, in his jean jacket and sweater, walk closer and closer to where he was sitting. Sana was saying something to Even, smiling, and Even clung to her arm in a familiar way; also smiling.

His smile did things to Isak.

“Hey, can Even sit with you?” Sana asked, suddenly right in front of Isak.

He coughed awkwardly, willing his goddamn blush away and nodded.

“Ugh, yeah sure. Of course.”

Even looked down in the direction of Isak’s voice and his smile turned into a bright grin, his teeth on display.

“I told you that you’d see me around!”

Sana helped Even find where the bench was and then she walked away, smirking back at Isak. He didn’t even want to know what she was thinking or what she was up to. And he also didn’t have time to think about it because next thing he knew Even was pulling Isak by his cheeks towards him until their noses were practically touching.

“You’ve shaved recently. You smell nice.” Even said, running a hand down Isak’s face.

Who just _said_ things like that?

That feeling that Isak didn’t have words for intensified and Isak swallowed hard.

“Sorry. Am I making you uncomfortable?” Even asked, immediately removing his hands from Isak’s face.

“No. No!” Isak rushed to explain, stupidly grasping onto Even’s hands which were in mid-air and heading towards his lap. “I understand you need to like, touch people to see them. So, do whatever you need to do.”

Fuck. Why was Isak so bad at speaking whenever Even was close to him?

Even didn’t seem to notice though. He simply reached back up to Isak’s face, stopping briefly on his lips again – _fuck –_ before he settled on Isak’s jaw.

“Okay. But let me know if you want me to stop.”

Isak nodded and the world seemed to be narrowed down to Even’s hands on his skin, which Even must feel was on fire. His blush hadn’t faded.

Isak forgot he was in a room full of people and that Emma was over there somewhere, probably staring at him, and that he didn’t want to be in kosegruppa. Suddenly he loved kosegruppa. He’d come every week.

“Okay, we’re going to start!” Vilde screeched, attempting to get everyone’s attention. And he kind of hated her because Even turned away from Isak this time, facing where Vilde, Eva and Sana were standing.

Isak didn’t hear what Vilde said. He was too aware of how close Even was to him; how their thighs were snug up close together and how Even didn’t really look properly in the direction of where Vilde was mumbling. Isak wondered what the rest of Even’s face looked like, how we would be without his sunglasses. Isak _wished_ he could see Even’s eyes, even if they were hazy or not there at all. Isak really needed to google what blind eyes looked like and maybe that was a dumb thing to think and…

Even suddenly reached over and took Isak’s hand in this own, rubbing the back of Isak’s knuckles. He leaned over as if he wanted to speak to Isak.

“You’re breathing really fast. Are you okay?” Even whispered.

_Shit._

No, I’m not okay, Isak wanted to say. I’m not okay at all.

“Yeah, fine. It’s just hot in here.”

“Okay.”

Even didn’t take his hand away and Isak’s heart leaped in his chest because _he was holding Even’s hand._

He couldn’t help but give Even’s hand a light squeeze. This wasn’t weird because Even was blind and physical touch was pretty important, Isak was coming to realize. Even needed to feel things to kind of see them, right?

Right? Isak had no clue.

“Okay, we want to do a getting to know each other exercise! So, can you please pair up and we’ll come on stage and sit in a circle.” Vilde asked.

Isak was just about to ask if Even needed help getting to the stage when Even let go of Isak’s hand and stood up all on his own. Isak stood up too, not knowing what to do now or if he should even offer help.

“Can you show me where the bathroom is?” Even asked, looking in Isak’s direction.

“Oh, ugh.” Isak stammered. “Sure. Should I take your hand or…?”

“Just let me hang onto you please.”

Even reached for Isak and Isak offered his arm, like he was some kind of gentleman and Even was his lady. And nope, that was a dumb thought where the hell was Isak’s brain? Why was it currently a pile of mush resting in his skull?

“This way.”

Isak caught Sana’s eye on the way out and she gave him a puzzled look. He shrugged his shoulders at her and tried to communicate that he _was_ coming back, he wasn’t going to bail, but she looked skeptical. Well, she always looked skeptical so he didn’t take it too personally.

Once they were in the hallway, Isak started to walk in the direction of the bathrooms but Even stopped him, gripping his arm tighter.

“I know where the bathrooms are, I just didn’t want to do the getting to know you exercise.” Even chuckled. “Let’s go this way instead.”

‘This way’ apparently meant outside and into the courtyard. Isak realized suddenly as the cool night air hit his face that he was the one being lead now. Even walked him over to a bench and he sat down, patting the spot next to him.

Isak obliged.

“Do you smoke?” Even asked, raising his eyebrows.

Isak whipped his head up at look at Even so fast that he got whiplash. “Umm…”

And then Even was taking a joint out from behind his ear, chuckling. Why hadn’t Isak seen that before? How did Even get away with just keeping joints behind his ears? How was he this…enigmatic?

Even took a long first hit and passed it towards Isak. Isak took it and inhaled, breathing out shakily into the silence.

“So I guess that’s a yes?”

Isak laughed. “Yes.”

“I like you, Isak.” Even stated as Isak handed the joint back to him.

_Why?_

“Thanks. I like you too.”

“Really?” Even asked, coughing a little on his next hit.

_Of course I do._

“Yeah.”

They continued to smoke in silence and Isak wished he could think of something to say. He wanted to be witty. He wanted to give Even a reason to like him beyond the fact that he smoked weed too.

“You’re new here, right?” Isak said instead, again wanting to smack himself.

Stupid useless brain.

“You don’t miss much, huh?” Even chuckled.

Isak kind of wanted to disappear.

“I’m only kidding. Yeah, I’m new. I used to go to Bakka.”

“Cool. Why did you transfer?” Isak asked, genuinely interested. It seemed like transferring during your last year would be hard enough if someone _wasn’t_ blind, so Isak didn’t really understand why Even would choose to move if he’d had the option to stay.

“A lot of reasons, Isak.” Even replied.

Enigmatic bastard, Isak thought fondly.

“Wow. Good story.” Isak teased, leaning into Even. He was trying to be casual. He was trying to be lighthearted, but there was a sadness to Even’s face that was making Isak feel badly for joking.

“Nissen isn’t really all that interesting.” Isak tried.

“I think it is.” Even said, a small smile turning up the corners of his mouth.

Isak couldn’t imagine why, but he decided to ask anyway. “Why is that?”

Even finished the last bit of the joint before he threw it to the ground. He cleared his throat and turned so he was facing Isak again. Isak was prepared this time for when Even reached out for his face, but it didn’t make the butterflies in his stomach calm down at all.

Isak tried to steady his breathing but it was impossible, especially when Even was stroking the sides of his face so _lovingly,_ like they had been doing it all their lives; like Even never wanted to stop doing it.

And when Even moved his thumb, seeking Isak’s lips, and caught Isak’s cheek in the movement, exposing his teeth for the briefest of seconds, Isak didn’t have it in him to suppress his moan.

“I met you.” Even whispered.

Isak could have sworn that Even was moving closer with the intention of kissing him. He was so fucking sure of it. But he didn’t get to find out because he heard footsteps approaching from behind him and Even pulled away.

Isak missed his hands instantly.

“Hey! I was wondering where you went.”

Emma. Isak closed his eyes for a moment before he turned around and looked at her, attempting a smile.

“Hey.”

“What are you doing out here?” Emma pondered, reaching out and touching Isak’s shoulder; a flirtatious gesture.

“I’m just sitting with Even. Ugh, Even this is Emma.”

“Nice to meet you.” Even said, not sounding like himself at all.

“You too. I forgot we had a new student!”

Isak kind of hated the sound of her voice.

“That would be me.” Even said, going for what Isak assumed was pleasant. “I’m kind of hard to miss.”

Emma chuckled. “Yeah, really! I don’t think we’ve ever had a blind student before. What’s that like, by the way? I’ve never met anyone blind before. Can you see anything at all?”

Isak frowned at her because seriously? Did this girl have no filter?

“Emma I don’t think…” Isak began, but Even cut him off.

“It’s mostly dark.” He said, this time laughing like everything was completely fine. And Emma returned the laugh like nothing was wrong, but Isak couldn’t join in. He couldn’t. She wasn’t allowed to just go around asking questions like that. She wasn’t allowed to press Even into saying more than he wanted or act like he was some kind of…weirdo because he was blind. Where did she get off thinking she could?

Isak was brought out of his inner turmoil by Even’s hand patting his shoulder; the same shoulder Emma had touched minutes before.

“Your girlfriend sounds nice.”

_Fuck. No, no._

“Emma isn’t…”

“You’re nice too, Even. See, being blind doesn’t have to ruin someone’s personality! I thought maybe it would since you’d be so depressed and everything. But you seem like a totally normal guy.”

Isak didn’t believe in violence but he kind of wanted to punch her.

“Let’s go back inside, Isak. I want to sit with you.” Emma whined, pulling on Isak and trying to get him to stand up. God, she was like a fucking child.

“Emma, we were kind of in the middle of a conversation. Can you give us a few minutes?” Even sounded deadly now and Isak felt the tension in the air.

Emma flushed and let go of Isak. “Oh. Okay. See you inside though?”

“Sure.” Isak muttered, but he seriously hoped not.

Emma walked away, glancing back a few times awkwardly. The moment she was out of sight Isak turned back to Even and blurted out. “She’s not my girlfriend.”

Even’s body was turned straight ahead, not towards Isak. In fact, Even had put a good amount of space between them.

“No?”

“No.” Isak said eagerly. He felt this urge to _explain._

“But you like her? She clearly likes you.” Isak couldn’t decipher Even’s tone. It was flat but there was an iciness to it that made Isak shudder.

Why did he feel _bad?_

“No, I don’t like her.”

Even continued to say nothing and he didn’t reach for Isak. Isak wanted Even to touch him again, put his hands back where they’d been before Emma came out. He just wanted Even to…

To what?

This whole thing suddenly became so ridiculous. Isak didn’t know Even. He’d barely had a decent conversation with him. They weren’t friends. They weren’t anything.

So why did Isak _yearn_ for Even like this then? Why did the idea of Even thinking Isak liked someone else bother him so much?

“I…do you…” Isak couldn’t pick a sentence. There were too many things he wanted to say; too many options.

_“You have one new message from Sonja.”_

Isak jumped at the sound of the voice and he looked around, confused.

“It’s just my phone.” Even said, reaching into his jean jacket pocket and pulling out his phone. “It reads everything to me.”

“Oh.”

As Even clicked his phone, the device made loud sounds and read out what he was doing so he’d know how to unlock the phone, find his messages and click on the newest one from Sonja.

Whoever that was.

“Do you mind if I read it?” Even asked.

“No. Not at all.”

Even clicked on the message and the device began talking again.

“ _New message from Sonja, 20:34. Hey baby. When do you want me to pick you up? Are we still on for date night tomorrow? Heart emoji.”_

Isak looked at the ground and closed his eyes.

Of course.

“Siri, text Sonja back.”

“ _What would you like to write to Sonja?”_

“Come and pick me up now please. Yes we are still on for tomorrow. Heart emoji. Send.” Even commanded.

“ _Message sent.”_

Even shut his phone down and put it back into his pocket. He turned in Isak’s direction now and Isak just knew he was about to reach out for him. Even attempted it but Isak stood up and Even’s hands landed on the wood of the bench.

“I have to go.”

“Isak, wait.”

“I’ll…” _See you around,_ Isak wanted to say because that’s just how he said goodbye to people. But he couldn’t finish the sentence.

Even wouldn’t be able to find him anyway. He wouldn’t need to.

“Bye, Even.” Isak mumbled, turning around and walking towards the door.

Even called his name again but he didn’t respond. He didn’t look back.

And he didn’t return to the ending of the kosegruppa meeting either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More about Even's backstory/blindness will be revealed as the story goes on :)  
> Comments always welcome and appreciated!


	3. Friends

It was a week before Isak spoke to Even again. And it wasn’t because Isak sought Even out or that he bumped into him in the hallways.

It was because Even was waiting for him by his locker.

Even had his hand on Isak’s locker. He wasn’t trying to unlock it or pull it open. His big hand was just resting there against the metal and Even turned his head back and forth, anticipating Isak’s arrival. Even put his cane out a few times, trying to gauge how close people were; almost as if he were trying to feel where Isak’s feet would tread.

Isak stood back by the staircase, not knowing what to say. Or what to do. Even clearly wanted to speak to _him_ and not someone else, considering he was holding Isak’s locker. But…why was Even seeking him out? And how had he known which locker was Isak’s?

“Isak?”

Even was calling for him now and Isak blushed. Several people looked at Even and then back in Isak’s direction.  

“Isak?”

_Shit._ Okay, Isak seriously needed to make a decision about what he was doing.

He swallowed hard and walked forward, taking big steps until he was right in front of Even. He put his hand on top of Even’s just as Even’s cane hit his ankle lightly.

“Hey.” Isak said, his voice sounding almost hoarse.

“Isak, _hey.”_ Even said, sounding relieved.

“What’s up?”

“I just…” Even began, but he didn’t finish his sentence. Instead he rested his cane against the row of lockers and reached for Isak; always _reaching_ like he was scared Isak would pull away.

Even didn’t know that there was absolutely no chance of Isak pulling away.

Even’s hand was a bit rougher today, the pads of his fingers worn down and scratchy but Isak welcomed the feel of them on his cheek. His jaw. And as always, the curve of his lips, this time with a focus on his upper lip; where it bent down in the middle. Even held his hand there a moment longer than was probably deemed appropriate but Isak didn’t fucking care. He’d missed this boy’s hands.

“I just missed you. Missed looking at you.” Even whispered.

The words ruined something in Isak, some sense of his self-control and he found himself leaning into the touch. He practically rubbed his face against Even’s warm palm, seeking the heat; longing for more contact.

Why did Even make him feel touch-starved?

Isak’s movement made Even’s fingers, his index and middle, push past Isak’s lip and partially inside his mouth, rubbing against his teeth and gums.

_Fuck_.

Isak didn’t hold back the way his tongue naturally came forward to taste, to gently bite on the tips of the fingers; or the way his whole body jerked forward, wanting to be pressed up tight to the boy in front of him.

And he certainly didn’t miss Even’s tiny groan or the way he pushed in a little deeper, feeling a tiny spot of Isak’s tongue with his nail.

Isak moved his mouth away as he heard the bell ring, signalling that he was going to be late to his next class. Shit. They were also still in public and he had just had a boy’s hand in his mouth.

Pretending to be straight was quickly proving to be a losing battle.

“When can I see you?” Even asked.

Isak frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I thought we could…hang out? Be friends?”

_Be friends._ Isak wanted to die.

“Okay. Maybe after school?”

“Sure. I’ll meet you here?” Even asked, knocking on Isak’s locker.

“Yeah.”

“Okay. I’ll be here.” Even said, grasping his cane. He touched Isak’s hand one more time before he began walking away, people moving aside as they noticed him.

“Wait, how did you know where my locker was?” Isak called, unable to stop himself.

Even just chuckled, not turning back. “I have my ways.” He said over his shoulder.

**

Isak was sitting in his last class willing the day to be done. He wanted to go and see Even. He couldn’t believe he got to be alone with him. He couldn’t stop wondering what they would do. His house or Isak’s? Would they have food? Did Even enjoy movies?

Isak was lost in thought, pondering over how a blind person would experience a movie, when Sana smacked him on the back of his head.

“I’m not doing this whole thing on my own. Start reading!” She commanded, shoving the biology textbook his way.

“Sorry.” He muttered.

Isak did as much work as he was able and by the end of the period they had completed the assignment. Sana begrudgingly wrote her name and Isak’s at the top of the paper before she stormed off to hand it in to the teacher.

Isak just sighed, telling himself he’d do better next class, and made his way to his locker.

He was just about to round the corner to his hallway when Jonas practically jumped in front of him and wrapped him in a big hug.

“Dude. _Friday.”_

Isak raised his eyebrows. “You know the day of the week. I’m impressed.”

“There’s a party tonight at a third year’s place. We’re gonna pre at mine. You in?”

Isak’s stomach dropped. No, he didn’t want to go to some party. He wanted to see Even. But, how did he tell Jonas that without letting on how much Even did things to Isak’s insides?

“I can’t. Family dinner.”

“On a fucking Friday? Dude!”

“Stop saying ‘dude’, you sound like an American.”

“Don’t hate.”

Isak shook his head. “But anyways, I can’t. Some other time okay?”

“Okay.” Jonas whined. “But you suck.”

“Sure.” Isak teased. “Text me later okay?”

“You betcha _dude!”_ Jonas hollered, winking and walking in the other direction. Isak smiled fondly at his friend’s stupidity and then squared his shoulders; beginning to walk to his locker.

He wasn’t nervous. Hell no.

Not at all.

Even was standing next to Isak’s locker again, looking calm and collected and effortlessly beautiful. It wasn’t fair. How was Isak going to spend tonight with this guy? This guy who had a girlfriend named Sonja who texted him with heart emojis.

“Hey.” Isak said, hating himself for sounding so shy.

“Oh hey.” Even smiled brightly, moving aside so Isak could unlock his locker. Of course it stuck and Isak fiddled with it for a few seconds before he sighed loudly, feeling embarrassed.

“Is it not opening?”

“No. It’s a piece of shit.”

“Here, let me try something.”

And then Even was slamming his fist down onto Isak’s locker, forcing it to open with a loud pop. Isak stumbled back a foot in shock, taking in the proud expression on Even’s face.

“I may be blind, but I still come in handy.”

Isak couldn’t help his laugh. “Thanks.”

“So, what’s the plan?” Even asked as soon as Isak had collected his things.

Crap. Was Isak supposed to have a plan?

“Um. Your house?”

“My house eh?” Even raised his eyebrows.

Isak blushed.

Stupid fucking cheeks.

“Or…or mine? Doesn’t really matter. I didn’t know how you are…in…ugh…” _Oh fuck_. Isak was going to say something stupid again. “In…new places? Like spatially? If that’s hard or whatever we can just go to your house. I read that you might be able to get around better in spaces you know and…”

“Isak, _relax.”_ Even chuckled. “And believe me I still bump into shit all the time at home. My mom is constantly rearranging the furniture. One day there is a lamp on a side table and the next day it’s gone. And fucking hell that woman needs to leave the coasters somewhere I can find them if she’s going to complain about stains!”

Isak burst out laughing and Even joined him, linking their arms together.

They were strolling again.

“So if she’s home would you please back me up about the coasters?”

“Sure thing.”

**

Isak watched Even in fascination as they got onto the tram. He navigated his way around perfectly well and found a spot easily. He sat down near the window and then turned his face the way in which someone would who could actually see the view.

Isak knew people were blind. Lots of people. But he’d never thought about it until right now; until he’d met Even. He never tried to imagine what it would be like to be in school and get home and live life without his eyes. He didn’t know how Even did it.

“It’s sunny today.” Even stated.

_What?_

“Um. Yeah, it is.”

“I can feel the warmth of it on my skin.”

The sun was shining directly into the window and covered Even’s seat. Isak was actually imagining that Even would be rather hot sitting there in the sun wearing mostly black.

They were quiet the entire tram ride. Isak didn’t know where to get off but he just _knew_ that they would be fine. Even got home every day, didn’t he? He would know where to get off the tram.  

Isak kept fidgeting because Even was sitting so close to him. It seemed natural because the seats were close together and public transportation wasn’t exactly meant for everyone to have their fair share of space. But Even also put his body against Isak’s in a way lovers would or close friends, or people who knew each other intimately in some way.

Isak still didn’t know Even. He still didn’t have the faintest idea about Even’s life, and here they were sharing space like people who…

He didn’t know.

How did intimacy work?

People who had touched each other’s skin and felt each other’s heart beats on their chests, or who had laughed together every day. People who could tell you that person’s favourite colour or their dreams or their aspirations.

People who craved each other.

Even slipped his hand through Isak’s arm and held on tight. Isak stopped tapping his foot. He stopped ringing his hands. He just froze.

Even didn’t need to touch Isak right now. But he was. He had chosen to.

“You’re jumpy. Relax.” Even whispered, his lips an inch away from Isak’s ear.

He shuddered.

“I…can’t.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know.”

Isak didn’t know a damn thing anymore.

“I wish I could see your face.”

_What?_

“What?”

“I want to know how you look at me.”

Isak barely hesitated before he said, “You _know.”_

Even moved his other hand slowly until it touched Isak’s chin and he pulled until Isak was closer to his face than friends would dare, and yet it wasn’t close enough.

_I don’t want to be your friend._

It wouldn’t be enough.

Even ran a finger across Isak’s open lips and Isak hoped Even could feel how fast his breath was coming; how hard he was breathing. He wanted Even to feel how his eyelids drooped or the way he swayed into the barest of touches Even was offering.

“I do.”

“ _Even.”_

Even moved his hand up to touch Isak’s brow and then he reached around to the back of Isak’s neck; _pulling._

Isak’s eyes widened. Was he going to kiss Isak on the tram? In front of people?

What about _her?_

But Even kept pulling, closing that small space between them, and Isak just let it happen. He let himself be beckoned, be consumed.

And when Even’s lips didn’t collide with his he was only disappointed for a second before he felt them on his forehead, just above his nose. Even’s lips were warm and slightly damp and they lingered there; lingered as Even soothed a hand through Isak’s curls and then tugged.

Isak felt like his heart had leaped into his mouth. He couldn’t take a deep breath.

“What’s…happening?” He managed. “I don’t…”

“Shhh. This is our stop.”

They weren’t moving anymore.

Isak stood up in a daze, following Even off the tram mindlessly, not able to fully register some people’s sneers or awkward looks. He actually didn’t care.

He wanted to know what the hell was happening to him.

Why did he _feel_ this way?

“My house is just down the road.”

“Even…”

Isak couldn’t move.

Even turned around to face Isak, apparently noticing that Isak wasn’t beside him.

“Let me make you a snack, Isak. Come with me and we’ll talk.”

“Talk?”

“Yes.”

Even was facing the sun and Isak could almost see his eyes past the sunglasses. He nearly got a glimpse as the sun pierced through the lenses but then Even turned.

He turned and began walking like he knew Isak would follow.

And so he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments always welcome and appreciated! :)


	4. Clear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please excuse any grammar/spelling mistakes, it's currently 2am and I need to be up in 4 hours :)

“Hello?” Even called as soon as he opened the door. Isak waited behind him, listening for a voice or a sound.

Nothing came.

“Sweet.”

Isak chuckled. “Sweet?”

“I like having the house to myself.”

Isak could relate. Whenever Eskild and Linn were gone and Isak had free range of the apartment he felt a sense of freedom.

Even put his cane against the wall and began to walk into the main area of the house. He walked with ease; confidence and it was nice to see. Isak had only really seen Even be unsure as he moved, on edge, as if anything could change at any moment.

“What do you want to eat?” Even asked, making his way over to the fridge.

Isak held onto the counter, biting his bottom lip. He sucked at making decisions. He sucked at asking for things.

“Isak?”

“What do you have?”

Even opened the fridge and began to feel around. Isak was just about to come over and help when Even closed the fridge and turned around to reach for something in the cupboard next to Isak’s head. Even came over a bit too fast and bumped right into Isak.

“Whoops. Sorry.” Even chuckled, steadying himself.

Steadying himself by putting his hands on Isak’s hips; pulling up the hem of his shirt. Isak’s world narrowed down to the feeling of Even’s fingertips, all ten of them, resting on the skin of his hip bones.

Isak melted back into the counter.

“I told you I always bump into things at home.”

“I…” Isak gulped. “I’m not usually part of the décor.”

“No.” Even agreed, leaning his weight more firmly against Isak. “No, you’re not.”

Isak didn’t know what to do with his hands. He wanted to reach out and touch Even too; maybe his shoulders or his neck. He wanted to touch Even’s _face,_ the skin around his eyes. He wanted to brush back that piece of hair that always popped out of place on the top of Even’s styled do.

“You’re trembling.”

Even moved his hands further up until his right hand spread across Isak’s ribs. His hand was so warm, the caress so light and tender. Isak let out a long breath, knowing Even could feel it under his hand.

“I…”

“You’re so small.” Even interrupted, bringing his other hand around to feel the skin of Isak’s back; like he was measuring him.

“I’m…”

_Nothing special._

“You’re thin, I mean. Lean. But muscular too.”

Isak could play soccer pretty well, had done as a child. But he didn’t work out or anything like that. He suddenly felt self-conscious.

“It’s…nice.” Even continued. “Your body.”

The words went straight to Isak’s groin and he couldn’t help it as his hands shot up to touch Even’s sides as well, pulling him.

Isak didn’t want to play games anymore.

“You can’t see my body. I’m not…”

“Shhh.” Even whispered, again interrupting Isak. Even’s hands began roaming again, sliding up and up until they were at Isak’s chest.

His hands brushed gently across each nipple. His collar bone. His shoulder blades. Over his acne scars and sharp, skinny shoulders.

Isak had never felt so exposed, or nervous. It was _thrilling._

“I can see you just fine.”

Isak once again wanted to laugh at the situation he was in. He was standing in a random boy’s kitchen, his belly and chest exposed in the afternoon sunlight coming in the window, and he had never been more turned on in his life.

But still…Even didn’t move to kiss him, to bring their mouths together.

All Isak wanted was to taste Even.

“I have bread. And cheese. Will this do as a snack?”

Snack? Isak frowned, his hands still resting on Even’s lower back.

“I…”

_I can’t think._

“I promised you a snack.”

“You promised me we’d _talk.”_

Even sighed and pulled away, causing the fabric of Isak’s shirts to fall back down; cover him back up.

“I know. But let’s eat first. Can you help me?”

Isak wrung his hands together, feeling jumpy again. Every time Even’s hands left him, or they were close but not touching, Isak couldn’t stop shaking.

“Okay.”

**

The spices were a horrendous idea.

But as Isak bit into the bread and saw the look of disgust on Even’s face – the fucking thing _was_ vile – he couldn’t help but laugh.

“I’m never trusting you with cooking decisions again.” Even stated.

“Maybe you should have more options than bread and cheese.”

“I told my mom to go grocery shopping a week ago.”

Isak just shook his head, trying to stomach another bite. But it soon became clear he wouldn’t be able to finish it and so he put it back on the plate.

“Smoke?” Even asked, reaching into a drawer beside him.

“Do you just have joints hidden everywhere?”

“It’s a talent.”

“It’s concerning.” Isak teased, but he took the joint and inhaled.

“What music do you like?” Even asked, his head turned slightly away from where he would have looked had he been able to see.

_Music_ , Isak thought. He didn’t want to talk about music.

“I like…90’s hip hop. N.W.A and stuff.” Isak said, not embarrassed by his taste in music right at this moment.

Weed did miraculous things for his shyness.

“Yeah? Ever heard of Nas?”

Isak paused, considering. He hadn’t heard of Nas before, but would it be weird if he said he hadn’t? Even had an expectant look on his face.

“Nas? _Nas?”_ Isak asked, trying to buy time.

“So you haven’t?”

“Yeah, I’ve listened. To…” Isak trailed off, seeing Even’s smiling face.

“We’ll listen later.”

Isak wanted to be doing other things later.

They finished the joint and Isak tried not to breathe too loudly in the silence. The soundlessness of the room was kind of stifling. Isak couldn’t hear birds outside and the house was completely silent since nobody was home.

“You haven’t asked me.” Even whispered.

“What?”

Even shifted, trying to get closer to Isak. Isak moved as well, making it easier.

“You haven’t asked me about being blind.”

Even put his hand on top of Isak’s and left it there. Isak looked up into Even’s face, into the sunglasses, and thought of what to say next.

“I only want to know what you want to tell me.”

Even hesitated, the words washing over him. Isak could feel him tense up, feel him shift closer to Isak. They were on the floor and it was hard to get close the way they could if they were standing or sitting on chairs, but Even crept closer anyway.

In the end, Even rested his head on Isak’s shoulder and Isak brought a hand up; finally touching the hair he’d been thinking about.

It was soft and smelled clean.

“Sonja isn’t my girlfriend.”

Isak’s hand froze where it had been combing through Even’s hair and he suddenly felt cold all over.

_Baby. Date night. Heart emoji._

“Okay.”

Even reached behind him and pulled his phone out of his back pocket. He clicked his phone and it read things out to him as Isak had seen before. Even clicked into a conversation with Sonja and had his phone read it back to him.

“ _Conversation from yesterday at 14:23pm. With Sonja.”_

Isak suddenly felt uncomfortable and he moved away.

“Even, you don’t have to show me your messages.”

“Please, Isak.” Even implored. “Just listen.”

“ _Sonja: Hey baby_

_You: Hey girl_

_Sonja: Tell me more about this boy you met. Heart-eyes emoji._

_You: His name is Isak. I want to spend more time with him.”_

Isak’s heart fluttered inside his chest as he listened.

“ _Sonja: Does he know you like him?_

_You: I think so. I hope so._

_Sonja: Go for it bestie. But you better not bail on our friend dates if you get a boyfriend. Heart emoji._

_End of messages.”_

Even turned his phone off and placed it beside him, turning back to Isak. He moved himself slowly until his legs were around Isak’s middle, overtop of Isak’s crossed legs. This was easy considering Even was _all_ legs.

Isak put his hands on Even’s thighs, rubbing a little; as much as he dared.

“Are we…clear now?” Even asked, his throat clicking.

His hands were back on Isak’s face and Isak stopped shaking out of anticipation, but he could feel himself shiver again with lust.

He nodded, knowing Even could feel the gesture.

“Do you…” Even paused. “Do you feel…the _same?”_

Isak wanted to laugh.

It was so _obvious._ Isak had never been so transparent in his life.

“ _Yes.”_

Isak wanted to pull Even towards him. He wanted to kiss him breathless and hard and make Even feel what Isak felt for him, deep inside his core.

But Isak was so frozen, so stuck in his self-doubt. So all he could do was shake.

“I love the sound of your voice.” Even whispered, and that’s when he brought Isak towards him by his jaw, lifting Isak’s face with a strong movement.

The gesture opened Isak’s mouth, left it pliant.

He closed his eyes, and nearly collapsed at the first touch of Even’s lips on his. They were so soft, so warm and inviting and Isak moved his mouth eagerly. He reached up and brought Even closer to him, the feeling of this familiar.

He’d kissed people before. But in the familiarity of it was something new, something completely foreign to Isak.

This was a boy’s mouth he was devouring.

This was Even, and Isak couldn’t forget that. He didn’t want to forget that. And it made him so achingly hard inside his pants that he groaned openly; loudly, and couldn’t bother to be embarrassed.

Isak was so wrapped up in the kiss and his own desire that it took a moment for him to realize that Even was the one who was shaking now. The taller boy’s arms were trembling where they had locked in place, and his mouth was so…tentative against Isak’s.

Isak pulled away, opening his eyes.

“Even?”

“Come back.” Even whined, trying to get closer.

But Even’s skin was flushed and there were tears sliding down his cheeks and…Isak couldn’t ignore that.

What had he done?

“Even, what is it? Are you okay?”

Even shook his head, trying to kiss Isak again, but Isak placed a firm hand on Even’s neck and kept him back.

“Isak…”

“Talk to me, please. Was it too fast?”

“ _No._ No, please, I…”

Isak’s heart was hammering inside his ribs. The thought that he’d done something wrong, made Even sad…it was too much to bear.

“I just…I didn’t know kissing would feel like _that.”_

Like what?

Wait.

“Even, have you never…”

Even’s cheeks turned red and he hung his head.

_Shit._

Nobody had kissed this boy before?

“I was your first kiss?”

“You were the first person…to kiss me back. To like me back.”

The tears fell from Even’s cheeks to the floor and Isak felt one drop onto his chest.

Isak reached for Even this time, trying to get over his own shyness; his own lack of self-confidence. He pulled Even towards him and pecked him on the lips as he wiped away the tears.

“I’d gladly kiss you all night.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments always welcome and appreciated! <3


	5. Sunglasses

Even opened his mouth to say something else, but Isak took the opportunity to lean in and kiss Even again, this time flicking his tongue inside.

The sound Even made was somewhere between a moan and growl and he immediately moved his tongue to meet Isak’s.

Isak’s hands naturally went to Even’s face, wanting to feel the other boy’s mouth as it moved against Isak. But as he placed his hands on the sides of Even’s face, caressing his cheeks, he suddenly became hyper aware of Even’s sunglasses.

Isak opened his eyes for a brief moment, wondering. God, he wanted to see Even’s face. He wanted to _know._

Even was panting hard as he pulled away, still clinging to Isak. Isak saw how wet Even’s mouth was, could feel the heat of his pants against his own face.

Isak couldn’t get over how beautiful he was.

“Isak…”

Isak didn’t want to push, or cross a line. It was the last thing he wanted to do. But he also wanted Even to know that he could show Isak.

He wanted Even to know Isak wouldn’t judge him.

He just wanted to see _all_ of Even.

Slowly, Isak wrapped his fingers around the glasses; not pulling yet. He waited for a reaction from Even, a sign that he didn’t want this, but nothing came. Even stayed still.

“Even…I…” Isak’s throat suddenly hurt with how unsure he was; not knowing what to say next. So he started to pull at the sunglasses this time, ever so slightly. “Can I…see?”

Isak didn’t expect Even’s next words.

“Why? So you can leave me too?”

Even’s hands fell from Isak and he yanked himself away, sliding his legs back from where they had been around Isak’s waist.

“Even.” Isak choked out. “I’m _sorry._ I shouldn’t have…”

“No, you shouldn’t have.”

Even stood up quickly. Too quickly because he lost his balance and fell forward, nearly bumping his head into the wall. He put his arms out in time though, stopping himself. Isak jumped up and came over to him, putting a hand on his back.

“Are you okay?”

Even shrugged him off.

“Please leave.” The words were a whisper.

“I didn’t _think._ I didn’t know you…”

_Make it better, make it better._

“Isak, leave!” Even yelled, slamming his fist down onto the wall.

Isak backed off immediately, reaching for his backpack. Fuck.

Even was…embarrassed.

Isak had fucked this all up. He was so stupid.

Even’s shoulders were shaking as he leaned against his bedroom wall and he didn’t turn back in Isak’s direction.

There was nothing else Isak could say so he turned around to show himself out. He made it to the front hallway before he heard the front door unlock. Next thing he knew, a woman and a boy who looked about seven wearing suspenders and…a _top hat…_ were coming inside, laughing lightly.

The boy saw Isak first and as he took in the sight of Isak – who was kind of paralyzed where he stood -  he paused and then frowned.

“Oh. Hi. Are you my brother’s friend?”

The woman looked up now and Isak could tell right away this was Even’s mother. Even was like a carbon copy of her, but in male form.

“Hello.” She said, her voice kind and welcoming.

“Hi.” Isak managed to say, trying to get his lips up into a smile.

The boy walked over to Isak and put something directly in front of Isak’s face. “Look at what I got!” He smiled, jumping up and down. He was holding a model airplane.

“That’s awesome, buddy.” Isak chuckled. The kid was really cute.

“Mom says I can hang it by my window.”

“Leave him be, Einar.” The woman sighed, but she had a knowing smile on her face. “I don’t think we’ve met before. I’m Astrid.”

Isak didn’t get a chance to answer. Even did it for him.

“This is Isak and he was just leaving.”

Even walked down the hallway and stood just behind Isak as he spoke, not moving to touch Isak at all.  

Isak immediately felt the cold barrier between them and he suddenly wanted to cry. He didn’t want Even to sound so…heartbroken.

“Oh. All right. You don’t want to stay for dinner?” Astrid asked and Isak didn’t miss the way her face fell; or how she shot Even a worried glance that Even would never know about.

“That’s okay. Maybe some other time.” Isak said, finally finding his voice again. He walked past her and put his shoes on.

“Bye, Isak! Come back again and play with me. I’ll teach you all about Abraham Lincoln.” The boy, Einar, yelled from the kitchen.

Now the top hat made sense.

Astrid turned back to Isak. “He’s going through a US Presidents phase.”

There were phases for things like that?

“I hope he decides to like something else before he gets up to the current candidates.” Isak joked, studiously avoiding looking at Even who was still brooding in the hallway, arms crossed in front of his chest.

Astrid laughed. “I hope so. Boys and their phases. Even had a Sailor Moon phase when he was a kid.”

For some reason the information ruined something in Isak. He wanted to stay and have dinner and chat with Even’s family. He wanted to hear more Even stories.

But he didn’t get to have that anymore. He’d fucked it all up.

“Bye, Even.” Isak said, opening the door.

“Come back soon.” Astrid said, her face hopeful.

Isak nodded, daring a glance at Even.

_Say something. Say anything. Please._

Even said nothing and Isak closed the door behind him. He couldn’t help but feel like this was an ending; a chapter that _he_ had forced closed.

**

Isak loved Eskild. He really did. But sometimes, Eskild could be too nosy. He could be too overbearing and it really irritated Isak.

He was just trying to sit in his room and zone out on the internet.

Or, try and find Even on any kind of social media because he’d never gotten around to doing that. But he was failing. And frustrated.

And Eskild wouldn’t stop talking about all these guys he’d hooked up with, or asking Isak what was wrong because Isak’s face was apparently scrunched up like he’d smelled something bad.

“Nothing is wrong, Eskild. Jesus.” Isak huffed irritably.

“You’re all pouty.”

“I do not _pout.”_

“You do. You’ve been pouting since you got home tonight.”

Maybe it was because Isak was thinking about how he could make this better. But there didn’t seem to be anything he could do or say because the chances of Even letting him in again, letting Isak get close to him in any way, were miniscule.

And Even didn’t believe in social media apparently so Isak couldn’t pine over cute pictures and that was making him even more depressed.

“I kind of just want to be alone.” Isak admitted.

_Hint, hint, Eskild._

“You’ll still be pouting even if I’m not sitting next to you. Why don’t you just talk about what’s wrong?” Eskild sighed, brushing the hair off Isak’s forehead.

“I don’t want to.”

Isak didn’t want to talk because he knew he’d messed up. He didn’t need to try and have Eskild make him feel better because there was no feeling better right now.

Isak didn’t deserve to feel better.

“Okay. Fine. But I’ll be in my room should you be needing me.” Eskild said, getting off of Isak’s bed and walking towards the door. “I’ll leave you to your teenage brooding.”

“Thanks, Eskild.”

He closed the door just as Isak found a video by some dude named Mikael, which apparently featured Even.

He clicked on it.

Mikael was asking Even, who looked a bit younger but still the same – the same _sunglasses –_ about his project, which was about Putin and Captain America falling in love.

Even was smiling and biting his lips after he talked and speaking about films like they were the best things in the world.

Even liked movies. He still enjoyed them despite being blind.

Isak missed Even’s smile so he watched the video countless times. He watched it until it was nearly 3am and his eyes were closing against his will. He finally shut his laptop.

Maybe tomorrow he could think of a plan to win that smile back.

**

Isak’s hands were opening and closing around his water bottle as he stared at Even. He was by his locker, rummaging around, trying to find something.

Isak wanted to go over and...

Do so many things.  

He wanted to touch the soft skin under Even’s ears, pull him into a hug. He wanted Even to trust him again.

But Isak had the advantage here. He could see Even. He knew where Even was. It wasn’t as easy for Even.

So Isak would wait. He would wait for Even to come to him.

He’d pushed enough.

Each day he waited by his locker. He always hoped he’d see Even standing by it, hand against the metal – waiting for Isak, but for a week straight Even wasn’t there.

Isak saw Even in the cafeteria, still eating alone. But he didn’t say hello. It killed Isak to be so close but not be able to do anything about it.

But he didn’t initiate. He didn’t do anything.

“You seem stressed.” Jonas commented on Friday.

“Huh?”

“I said that you seem stressed. You’re all jumpy.”

Isak glanced over to Even’s spot in the cafeteria and Jonas followed his friend’s eyes. Jonas’s eyebrows shot up in an unspoken question.

“I’m fine.” Isak lied.

“Do you know that guy?” Jonas asked.

Isak’s face coloured immediately.

“What guy?”

Jonas leaned in a bit closer to get out of earshot of Mahdi and Magnus.

“The blind guy who you’re always looking at.”

_Deny, deny, deny._

Isak scoffed. “You’re dumb.”

“Who’s dumb?” Magnus asked, looking between Isak and Jonas.

“Jonas.” Isak smirked, high-fiving Magnus.

His hands wouldn’t stop shaking.

“Isak, my man. You are _not_ getting out of the party tonight. We’re pre-gaming at mine, and then we’re going out. You need to get some action.” Magnus announced, chugging the rest of his soda and then belching loudly.

“I…” _can’t,_ is what Isak wanted to say. But then he looked over at Even who was standing up and getting to ready to leave.

Even -  the one person Isak wanted to spend time with - but who was apparently done with Isak.

What did Isak have to lose?

“I’m in.”

**

The room was spinning and Isak was on his fifth or sixth beer, plus the shots that had settled uncomfortably in his stomach were making him see stars.

He was dancing with someone. He didn’t know who. But he knew it was a girl because all he smelled was flowery perfume.

Short hair. Brown hair. Oh right.

Emma. She’d found him as soon as he got to the party.

Magnus and Mahdi and Jonas were somewhere upstairs. Or downstairs. Isak didn’t really know. He wasn’t looking. He was moving his body and his eyes were closed.

He wasn’t trying to _think._

Because the second he tried to think all he thought about was him. All he could remember was the smoothness of his skin and the tears running down his cheeks and the way he’d told Isak to get out of his life.

Isak didn’t want to hear it anymore; the mantra of rejection.

He couldn’t do it again. He was going to shatter.

“Isak. Isak!”

Someone was yelling. Someone sounded pissed.

Isak opened his eyes just as the person grabbed him by the front of his jacket and pulled him through the crowd; through the mess of sweaty bodies and laughter and drunk talking. Before he knew it, he was outside on the back deck and blearily looking up at the stars.

“Isak, you have to focus. Jesus Christ!”

Isak looked back down, his head spinning, and he tried to see who was in front of him.

“Sana? _Sana?_ What the hell? What…”

“Oh my God, shut up.” Sana interrupted, rolling her eyes. “I know you’re drunk but get it together!”

Isak frowned. Why was she so angry?

“ _Why are you so angry_?”

“I brought you out here for a reason, dumbass.”

Isak couldn’t process her words and was there a chair nearby because he really needed to sit down.

“Someone wants to talk to you.” Sana said, placing a hand on Isak’s shoulder.

“What? I don’t understand. Sana. Is there a chair out here? I gotta like, sit down.”

“ _Isak_.”

That voice.

Isak whirled around and saw Even sitting on the stairs of the deck, a smoke in his hand. He was turned around and facing Isak’s direction, his mouth turned down into a sad frown.

“Go on.” Sana snapped, pushing Isak a little. “I’m sure you can manage to sit on your own.”

Isak watched her walk back into the house and then close the door behind her, leaving Isak outside in the quiet with an expectant Even waiting for him.

“Will you sit with me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. So. I don't want to give a lot away, but there is a big reason Even freaked out at Isak. And that will be revealed, but I hope Even doesn't come off as too harsh. He has gone through a lot in his life (in the backstory of this fic) so please be kind to him. And to Isak, because I'm really trying to show that Isak is desperate to not offend/go too quickly with Even and he is so upset that he did something wrong. 
> 
> I hope that all made sense. Main point: they are both hurting and nobody was trying to be mean. 
> 
> Thank you so much for your support with this fic. I'm trying to reply to all questions/comments, mostly with lots of hearts and thank yous, because your comments make my day <3 I'm very glad you are all enjoying this fic so far. I am not sure how long it will be yet, but there are lots more chapters to come! 
> 
> Comments always welcome and appreciated :)


	6. Fairy Tales

Isak didn’t want to be this drunk.

He wanted to be co-ordinated and empathetic because Even was finally talking to him. He was finally going to get to speak to the one person he’d wanted to talk to for a whole _week._

But Isak was so very _drunk._ And therefore his brain was apparently lightyears behind what was happening, so all he could manage to say was, “ _What?”_

Even inhaled deeply before blowing out a long string of smoke and then he patted the wooden step he was sitting on; motioning to the empty spot beside him.

“Sit with me.”

Isak staggered over to where Even sat, highly doubting he would be able to sit down without falling on his face. But he could at least give it a shot.

He landed with a hard thud right on his ass and he fell backwards, nearly hitting his head. The laugh he let out was entirely involuntary as he steadied himself, trying to blink his eyes open. Everything was kind of hazy.

Even was facing him and Isak suddenly had a thought that he was glad Even couldn’t see him right now. He probably looked like a fucking mess.

They were sitting so close; the deck stair not really made for two people to sit on.

But they weren’t touching. Isak _wanted_ to brush his thigh against Even’s but he made himself stay as still as possible, despite the world swaying all around him.

“How much have you had to drink?” Even asked, a casualness to his tone.

“Ugh.” Isak coughed. “A lot. A fuck ton. More than usual.”

“More than usual?”

Isak clicked his tongue, just to hear the sound. It was too quiet.

“Yeah. I usually only have three or four beers. I had like, _six,_ at least. And Magnus was giving me shots of something awful and I’m so happy to see you. I’ve…I’ve…Even, you have to know how sorry I am. I’m _sorry.”_ Isak was a rambling, stupid fool but he couldn’t help it.

“Isak, don’t.” Even interrupted, putting a hand on Isak’s thigh.

His hand was so warm. Isak could feel the warmth radiating through his jeans and he wanted Even to touch him more; everywhere. Isak had been fucking cold all week and he needed this boy’s touch to bring him back to life.

Isak’s brain also needed a time out because he had a horrible stream of consciousness while drunk.

“But you need to _know_. Please. I…I’m so stupid. I never should have…I never meant…God, please touch me, Even. Want you to touch me.”

Isak put his hand on top of Even’s and dragged it up his thigh; higher and higher until he heard Even’s breath catch in his throat; saw the way Even’s whole body turned and moved closer to Isak.

“Isak, _no._ Not right now.” Even whispered, but there was no bite to his words. And he wasn’t taking his hands off Isak, so Isak didn’t listen.

“All I dream about is your hands. Want them on me. _In_ me. Whatever you want, Even. I’m yours. I’m so fucking _yours.”_

Even moaned as Isak brought his hand up to rest against his groin, pushing Even’s hand down. The sensation of it nearly knocked Isak out, made him whimper. He wanted Even to keep going. Maybe if Even knew how much Isak wanted him, how affected he was by him…maybe then he’d realize Isak would never judge him.

He would never think badly of Even.

“Isak, stop. Stop, stop, _stop.”_

Even did pull away this time, and the warmth that had just begun to thaw Isak’s heart vanished.

“You’re drunk. And we need to talk about things when you’re sober. So, I’m taking you home.” Even said sternly, reaching for his phone.

_Siri: What can I help you with?_

“Call Sana.” Even instructed.

Isak was too hurt to even move or try to deny Even. He just went along with it; his drunk brain convinced that this might be the last time he ever got to see Even.

Because _they needed to talk._

Isak didn’t need to be sober to know what that meant.

“Hello?” Sana’s voice came through the speaker.

“Hey, it’s me. Can you call us a cab?”

“Oh, sure. Can you get around to the front of the house?”

“Would you meet me at the back door? Isak won’t be much help right now.”

Isak put his head in his hands and tried to breathe around the brick-sized lump in his throat. Even sounded so annoyed by him.

Next thing he knew he was being pulled up from where he was sitting. He looked up and saw Sana glaring daggers at him as she guided Even back towards the house.

“You hate me too?” Isak asked, knowing how pathetic he sounded.

“Nobody _hates_ you, Isak.” Even said, shaking his head.

“Yes you do.”

“You’re drunk and stupid and need to shut up. Come on. Let’s get through all these fucking people. Hang onto me.” Sana instructed, pushing her way through the crowd as the music continued to blare.

Isak followed dumbly behind them, completely unaware of who was around him.

So when someone came up behind him and put their hands on his waist he couldn’t help but flinch.

“Where did you go? I was waiting for you!” A shrill voice exclaimed, piercing his ears. He turned away from where Sana and Even were walking and nearly bumped noses with Emma.

Emma giggled and wrapped a hand around the back of his neck, pulling him in further. She opened her mouth and placed a wet kiss on his lips.

He cringed and tilted his head away.

“Emma…I have to…there is someone waiting for me. Emma…” He hoped his words weren’t too slurred.

But she wasn’t listening. She continued to place kisses all over his face, while grinding into him along to the beat of the music. Isak put his hands on her hips to push her away, but she just took it as encouragement and latched onto him harder.

“C’mon Isak. You’ve kept me waiting for so long. I know you like me.” Emma said directly into his ear.

“Emma, you gotta, like, _listen_ to me…” Isak began, but he was interrupted by someone pulling onto the back of his shirt and yanking him away from Emma.

“For the love of Allah, Isak! Get your shit together!” Sana yelled, whirling him around and dragging him towards the front door.

Even wasn’t with her so Isak assumed he was already waiting outside.

“I was trying to get her to leave me alone!” Isak whined, shrugging out of Sana’s hold. She rolled her eyes and took his hand, guiding his drunk ass through the crowd.

“You better not hurt him, Isak. He’s been hurt enough.”

“What?”

“You heard me, asshole!” Sana snapped.

“He doesn’t like me anyways, Sana. He told me to leave him alone!” Isak argued, shaking his head.

If he could just fucking think straight this all might make more sense.

“You’re so fucking stupid. Both of you.” Sana announced just as she walked outside and basically threw Isak into Even’s arms.

Isak steadied himself against Even’s chest, the smell of him inviting and warm and Isak was such a fucking goner. He leaned his head against the roughness of Even’s jean jacket and sighed.

“Good luck with this one.” Sana huffed, motioning to Isak.

Irritated, Isak suddenly felt like he knew the perfect come back. He laughed a little before exclaiming, “He’s hugging me back! So take that, Sana! Take that!”

And Sana just frowned so maybe that made no sense whatsoever. But Even’s hands _were_ on Isak, holding him against himself so Isak felt like he won anyway.

“The cab is here. You gotta walk.” Even whispered, his breath visible in the cool night air.

“I can walk. I’m not an invalid.”

“Good because I need you to help me. I didn’t bring my cane.”

“ _What? Why_? That’s dangerous, Evy! Like, you could fall! You need to have something with you at all times. I will gladly be your walking stick. Hang onto me.”

 _Shut up, Valtersen._ For the love of God.

Or was it Allah?

“Evy?” Even asked, raising his eyebrows just as he took Isak’s arm. “Is that what you just called me?”

Isak shrugged, concentrating on getting them both down the stairs in one piece and into the cab. “Yeah. Maybe. I don’t know. _What_ are you even saying? Let’s go.”

In the end, Isak got them into the cab and managed to remember his own address. He buckled himself into the seat and then leaned his head on Even, reaching a hand over his chest.

“Don’t fall asleep.” Even instructed.

Isak was almost ninety percent sure Even was running his hand through Isak’s sweaty hair. But only ninety percent.

“Won’t.” Isak yawned.

Oh shit. No yawning. Bad, bad, _bad._

Stay awake, stay awake, stay -

Isak woke up to Even shaking him and he shook himself into a proper sitting position, willing his eyes to focus. They were at his apartment.

“You have to help me again, Isak.” Even whispered, and Isak wasn’t drunk enough to miss the nervousness in Even’s tone.

Or the way his body was trembling. Even must have felt vulnerable without his cane and being somewhere that wasn’t familiar.

“I got you.” Isak said, taking Even’s hand and leading the way.

As they walked, Isak told Even where things were.

“Stairs here.”

“Oh, coat goes on this hook here. Shoes down there. My room is this way. Yeah, keep hanging onto me. Such _big hands.”_

Even just chuckled.

“All the better to see you with.”

Referencing fairy tales? Isak scoffed. Who _was_ this boy?

Isak turned the light on in his room and guided Even to his bed. He tried not to make too much noise because Eskild and Linn were probably sleeping.

But now that they were here, Isak felt unsure. Even was just sitting there on his bed, head tilted in Isak’s direction.

“I…ugh…do you need…clothes…to sleep in?”

Even smiled. “Yes, that would be good.”

“Okay.”

Isak rummaged through his drawers, noticing that he was slowly sobering up. Slightly. The world wasn’t spinning so much anymore. The haze of the alcohol was wearing off and he was becoming more and more aware of Even’s words from earlier.

_We need to talk._

He handed Even the clothes and then sat next to him, not knowing what to say next. God, he wished he hadn’t had so much to drink. He wanted to be able to enjoy the fact that Even was in his room.

He had a boy who he could kiss sitting _on his bed._

“I think you should drink some water, and probably go to sleep.” Even whispered. “I’ll stay tonight and we can talk in the morning.”

Talk about what, though?

“Even…I can’t…” Isak breathed, closing his eyes. “I need to know. I need to know if you don’t…want me anymore. Just tell me now. I can’t sleep next to you and feel you if you aren’t…”

Even’s hand on Isak’s thigh, where it had been on the deck at the party, stopped Isak’s rambling. Even creeping his hand up and up until it was stroking an inch away from where Isak had desperately wanted it for what felt like _years_ now, made him suck in a breath and hold it; the lust in his blood turning his face hot and red.

“I _want_ you, Isak.”

Isak moved without thinking, without _waiting_ for Even this time. He moved until his mouth was on Even’s. Just their mouths though. Isak didn’t reach to feel anywhere else and Even’s hand didn’t move higher.

Even opened his mouth just a little to let Isak in, to let him deepen the kiss. But as soon as Isak began to move his lips again, Even pulled away.

“We just can’t do this right now, Isak.”

Isak sighed, feeling the air leave his lungs.

He felt empty.

“Why?” He whispered.

Even swallowed thickly, licking his lips. “Because you’re drunk and because all you smell like right now…is _her.”_

Her?

Isak frowned.

And then he remembered.

_Shit._

“O-okay, Even.” Isak whispered, standing up. “I’ll go drink water and let you change. I’ll be back.”

Even just nodded and waited until Isak left the room, closing the door behind him. He refrained from hitting his head against the fridge as he poured himself a glass of water, chugging the entire thing.

When Isak dared to come back to his room, Even was already changed and under the covers, lying on his back.

He was still wearing his sunglasses.

Isak didn’t comment on it as he changed into his pajamas, but his heart was thundering in his chest. He hadn’t thought of this before, but Even obviously didn’t _sleep_ with his sunglasses on. He’d have to take them off eventually if he was actually going to sleep here.

What should Isak do then? Should he not look?

Of course he shouldn’t look. It wasn’t right. It was an invasion of privacy. It was…

“Are you coming to bed?”

Isak jumped at the sound of Even’s voice, seemingly loud in the silence of his room. Isak had been standing in his pajamas just staring at Even for God knows how long.

“Um, yes. Of course.”

Isak walked over to his side of the bed and gingerly got underneath the covers after he had turned off the light. He lied on his back as well, not knowing what else to do.

The room was pitch black, just as Isak liked it in order to sleep.

All Isak could hear was Even’s steady breathing.

“Isak?”

Isak flinched a little. “Yeah?”

“Would you do something for me?”

Isak didn’t hesitate. “Anything.”

Even turned in the bed and Isak realized he was turning in order to face Isak. Isak slowly did the same, moving until he could feel Even’s breath on his face.

“Would you close your eyes?”

Isak wanted to say that there was no need for him to close his eyes, considering the room was dark as night. But he did as Even asked and closed them.

“They’re closed.”

After a long moment of nothing happening, Isak felt Even’s hand find his face. He ran his fingertips along Isak’s cheek and his jaw, heading towards his lips.

And then Even touched Isak’s closed eyelids so gently it made Isak want to cry.

Even took his hand away, seemingly satisfied that Isak’s eyes were in fact closed, and then he reached for Isak’s hand. He brought it up to his own face, inviting Isak to touch him.

“Keep your eyes closed.” Even pleaded.

“I will.”

Isak moved his hand the way Even had; along Even’s sharp cheek bones and his strong jaw, over his plush lips and up through his hair.

Isak could feel that Even had taken off the sunglasses. They weren’t on his face anymore.

Isak suddenly realized what Even wanted him to do.

This was an invitation.

So Isak moved his fingertips up until they rested just underneath Even’s eyes. Isak sucked in a breath as he felt the raised skin there. It was…bumpy and rough.

Isak felt the skin under the other eye and it was the same. The skin wasn’t smooth compared to the rest of the milky skin of Even’s face.

And in between Even’s eyes, running along his eyebrows, was a long and jagged scar. It felt deep. It felt…gruesome.

_Jesus._

What had happened to this boy?

“One day I’ll tell you.” Even whispered, almost like he had read Isak’s mind. “I promise. But not yet.”

Isak took his hand away from Even’s eyes, his own still closed, and he reached out to find Even’s hand again; lacing their fingers together.

“Okay.”

**

Isak fell asleep holding Even’s hand that night, their combined breathing his lullaby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I know Isak is still drunk during this meaningful gesture of Even's, but he isn't that drunk that he will forget what happened between them. He's just going to have a hell of a hangover in the morning :) 
> 
> Comments always welcome and appreciated <3 I can't thank you guys enough for your support.


	7. Butterfly Wings

Isak opened his eyes and immediately regretted it. The sun was pouring in through his open window – who the _fuck_ had opened the curtains – and as he blearily blinked awake his head instantly began to throb.

He turned in his bed slightly, debating about getting up, when he suddenly moved close enough to feel the other body that was occupying the space next to him.

Isak froze for a moment, eyes widening.

Then he remembered.

The party. Sana. Emma.

Even. 

_I want you._

Isak turned and looked at Even who was facing the wall, his back to Isak.

Isak remembered the feeling of the skin under Even’s eyes, how rough it was; calloused. He couldn’t quite believe Even had let him do that and he wanted to talk about it.

As soon as the room stopped moving.

“Ugh.” Isak groaned, rubbing his eyes. _Don’t throw up, don’t throw up._

Even shifted, about to turn around to face Isak. Maybe he didn’t realize he was doing it because he was still asleep, but Isak knew Even wouldn’t want Isak to see his face uncovered just yet. So Isak rolled back over, facing away from Even and cleared his throat.

“Even?”

“Hm?”

Even was not awake.

“Even, hey. Wake up.”

Even mumbled something else unintelligible before Isak felt him wrap an arm around Isak’s waist, pulling him into Even’s chest.

He was always so warm.

Even nuzzled the back of Isak’s head, kissing his neck. Isak couldn’t help but move towards the sensation, reaching out to hold onto Even’s arm.

“Even.” Isak said again, a bit louder this time.

He didn’t want the contact to end but he also didn’t want Even to wake up and think Isak had seen his face; that he had knowingly looked as Even slept.

Isak didn’t want to start this off on the wrong foot _again._

Even’s arm tensed where it was holding onto to Isak, and Isak just knew Even was awake now.

“I didn’t see.” Isak stated. “You were about to turn over and I looked away. Then you held onto me. I promise.”

“I believe you.” Even replied, almost instantly. “I believe you, Isak.”

Isak breathed out a sigh of relief. “Okay.”

Even held onto Isak for another moment before he shifted and pulled away. Isak waited until he heard Even pick up his sunglasses from Isak’s bedside table to finally sit up.

“How do you feel?” Even asked.

_Awful._

“Fine.”

Even chuckled. “You sure? You said that you drank a lot.”

“I did.” Isak muttered, avoiding eye contact as they sat on opposite sides of Isak’s bed. The whole situation felt awkward now.

Isak didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what Even wanted. He’d said that he wanted Isak, but what did that _mean?_ And how could Isak…trust Even? How could he know that Even really wanted him and wouldn’t just leave again if things got difficult?

If Isak…made a mistake, would Even just up and leave?

Isak understood he had gone too far, but then Even had shut him out. He’d acted like he wanted nothing to do with Isak anymore.

Isak couldn’t stop thinking about how Even had acted last night too.

Number one, it was kind of horrible timing to want to talk. Isak had been _drunk._ And yet, Even still asked Sana to come and get Isak.

Isak was becoming fonder of Sana, but what had given her the right to basically shove Isak around?

What had given Even the right to make statements like _I smell her on you,_ like Isak belonged to him or something.

And…

“Isak.”

Even had somehow gotten closer to Isak without him noticing and he placed a hand on Isak’s cheek. He just held it there as Isak breathed, his chest suddenly tight.

“Talk to me.”

Isak licked his lips, his stomach in knots.

_Don’t puke._

“All I wanted to do was talk to you Even. All week.” Isak whispered. “But you…didn’t come to me.”

Even let out a long breath, taking his hand away. “I know.”

“And last night…you were suddenly there. And you and Sana were acting like I was…so dumb, or something. Like, I wasn’t allowed to dance with Emma or have someone else touch me because…” Isak cut himself off, not knowing where he was going with that sentence.

Even just waited, patient and silent.

“You acted like I was _yours_. Like we were dating or something, but you literally hadn’t talked to me all week. And I know I went too far. I know I shouldn’t have crossed a line when I asked to see your eyes, but…that doesn’t mean you get to act like some possessive boyfriend.”

Isak was shaking and sweating. He was so goddamn nervous, so afraid that he was out of line, but he had to say it. He had to let Even know.

“I’m sorry, Isak.” Even whispered, his chin pointed at his feet. “I know I had no right to barge in on your night. I just…”

Isak stared at the side of Even’s face, seeing his cheeks redden.

“I texted Sana and asked her if you were at the party. When she said you were, I took a cab. I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to…explain. I wanted to apologize for not talking to you, or telling you what happened. And when Sana told me how drunk you were, I asked if she could tell you I was outside anyways, to see if maybe you wanted some help getting home. I didn’t know she was going to drag you around. She’s kind of…protective of me.” Even said, smiling for a brief second.

“Are you two friends?”

“Yeah. A while ago we were really close. She’s been helping me out since I transferred.”

“Oh.”

“The whole thing got out of hand. I’d missed you…so much. I just wanted to be with you. So, I stayed. Maybe that was wrong or too fast. I wasn’t really thinking. And I…let you touch my face because I suck at explaining. I suck at…being open with people, or letting them… _see.”_ Even said, sounding just as breathless as Isak had minutes ago.

He seemed just as anxious.

“I never meant to be…possessive. I didn’t mean to cross a line either. And if I did, I’m really sorry Isak. I’ve never…done this before.”

Isak cocked an eyebrow. “ _This_?”

Even motioned between them. “This. Being with someone.”

Isak’s heart leaped into his throat.

“Are we…together? I don’t know what you mean when you say you want me, Even. I don’t know what that _is_ to you. You didn’t tell me. You just…shut me out.”

“You remember me saying that last night? That I wanted you?” Even asked, turning his body back towards Isak.

“Yeah. I remember everything.”

Even nodded as a tiny smile appeared on his lips. “Will you…let me hold your hand?”

Isak moved his hands until they were right beside Even’s legs.

_As if you had to ask._

“Of course.”

“Not _of course_ , Isak. If you don’t want me to, I won’t. I’ll never do anything you don’t want or ask for again, okay?” Even stated, so much conviction in his voice that it shook towards the end; the words coming out wobbly.

“Okay.” Isak whispered. “But _please…_ touch me.”

Even reached over and connected their fingers on both hands, tugging Isak a little closer until their thighs touched too.

“I want to be with you, Isak. I want you in…ways I didn’t know existed. You’re the first person I’ve ever wanted to _see_ me. But you’re also the first person who I feel like _has_ seen me. Already, you’ve looked closer than anyone else has. You’ve wanted to see more than just my…” Even choked a little, clearing his throat. “You’ve wanted to see more than just the fact that I’m blind. It’s not what intrigues you.”

“ _You_ intrigue me, Even.” Isak reiterated, clinging tighter.

“So, I’m asking Isak…will you be with me?” Even said, bringing Isak’s right hand up by his left and kissing the back of it; his lips light as a butterfly’s wings.

“Yes.”

“Yes?”

Isak brought Even’s right hand up by his left hand and kissed it too, imitating Even’s gesture. It made Even laugh.

_I love seeing you laugh._

“I’ve never done this either, but…I want you too, Even. I want to be yours.”

“It will be my privilege.” Even smiled.

Isak moved until their foreheads were touching, both their chests heaving when Isak looked down. He didn’t know it could feel like this; like the world was somehow mended and bright and beautiful as they sat together, just…being next to each other.

He didn’t know how much he’d want someone the way he wanted Even.

“I’m not… _out.”_ Isak said suddenly. “My friends don’t know about me.”

“What don’t they know?”

Isak scoffed. “That I like boys.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“You can tell them when you feel comfortable. It’s not a race. I won’t be upset if you don’t tell them right away.”

_I’m already half in love with you._

Isak smiled widely, moving to place a kiss on Even’s cheek. “Thank you.”

“Isak!”

A loud banging on his door made them both jump away from each other, and Isak rolled his eyes. Eskild.

“Isak, what are you doing? Are you dead? Shall I call the morgue?”

Even raised his eyebrows, an obvious question.

“My roommate. He’s dramatic.” Isak whispered. He turned his head and yelled towards his door, “I’m awake and alive, Eskild. Thanks!”

“Are you coming out for breakfast? I made pancakes! Is your friend or lover or whatever interested in pancakes?”

Isak paled. How did Eskild know…?

“There are shoes that do not belong to any of us, including you, in the hallway. Hello Isak’s friend or lover or whatever! Good morning!”

Oh.

Isak rolled his eyes.

“Yes to pancakes. Now go away. We’ll be out in a second.” Isak grumbled.

“Still not a morning person I hear.” Eskild snapped before walking away.

“He sounds nice.” Even giggled, standing up and pulling Isak up as well. “Are you okay if I meet him?”

“I mean…he’s gay too, so it shouldn’t be weird or anything.” Isak sighed.

Why was this so hard?

“You can introduce me as a friend for now if you want.” Even offered. “Whatever you want, Isak.”

Isak opened the door, guiding Even out into the hallway. “I’ll introduce you as _Even.”_

**

The pancakes were delicious and Eskild didn’t ask Even about being blind, or if Isak and Even were together. They just bantered about a TV show Isak hadn’t seen, and Even was charming. Isak shot Eskild several grateful glances throughout the meal.

Even smiled and laughed at Eskild’s dumb jokes and offered to do the dishes and Isak…sat and watched in awe.

Was this what it was like?

When Eskild left the kitchen to get dressed, Isak walked up to where Even was washing a frying pan and placed his hands on Even’s hips.

Isak leaned up on his tip toes and placed a gentle kiss on Even’s neck, just under the mess of his hair. He smelled like sugar.

“Hey.” Even said, letting go of the frying pan and turning around. He put his still-wet hands on Isak’s waist and pulled him in, seeking out his lips.

Isak gave in and kissed back, pressing his body into Even’s.

Even broke away to try and speak, but Isak chased his mouth, not wanting him to go far. His head was spinning and he wanted Even _so much_ he could hardly think.

“Kiss me. _Kiss me.”_ Isak pleaded, grasping a handful of Even’s hair. “Please.”

“Okay, Isak. Whatever you want.” Even whispered before he tightened his hold and deepened the kiss, flicking his tongue out to meet Isak’s.

Isak didn’t understand why his body was in overdrive right now, but every part him was filled with longing. He kissed and kissed Even until they were both out of breath; until Isak could feel how much they both wanted each other.

He lined up their groins and pushed forward with intent, causing them both to groan.

“Eskild…could come back.” Even mumbled against Isak’s lips.

“My room.”

Isak took hold of Even’s hand and led him back to Isak’s bedroom, shutting the door behind them.

Even walked towards the bed and sat down, the sun pouring in now and covering the entire bedspread. Isak walked over to him and couldn’t help but think how angelic he looked.

_Stop thinking stupid shit._

Isak didn’t think about it as he pushed Even down and straddled his waist, coming back immediately to kiss Even’s mouth. He was propelled by lust alone, not knowing what he was doing at all.

But Even seemed to like the idea of Isak on top of him because Isak felt Even’s hands grab his ass and pull him down again and again until Isak naturally thrusted his hips in the rhythm Even set.

They were both only wearing thin pajama bottoms so there wasn’t much separating them. Isak could feel Even’s dick against his own and the pressure was mind blowing. He was panting and kissing Even and he _couldn’t stop_.

He couldn’t sit up to move their pants down to feel skin on skin.

He was too far gone for that, too close already to the brink.

“Isak…I’m…” Even moaned, pulling Isak down on his lap harder. And again.

“ _Even._ Fuck.” Isak basically shouted.

“Close your eyes.”

_What?_

But Isak obeyed, still moving his hips.

_So close. So close._

“Closed. God, Even. I swear they’re closed. What…”

Even moved his one hand up to his own face and then Isak understood. Isak kissed along the sides of Even’s open face, kissing the scar and the skin that didn’t often feel the open air.

Even was open for him and he wanted Isak to feel him, to _see_ him with his lips. Even thrusted up to meet Isak, both hands back on his ass and he pulled and pulled; chasing the same end as Isak.

Isak rested his face next to Even’s ear, panting and moaning, so lost in it all.

He kept his eyes closed.

“I’m gonna come, Isak. _Please._ Make me come.” Even was saying, pushing his hands underneath Isak’s pants to feel his bare skin.

Isak pushed down as hard as he could, bringing their cocks together over and over; three more times until he felt Even’s dick jump; pumping out his orgasm right before Isak spilled as well. His hips went still as he gasped, his body taut and forced to feel wave after wave of pleasure.

Even wrapped his arms around Isak and hugged him into his chest, running a hand through his sweat-damp hair a moment later.

“We’re a mess.” Isak smiled, whispering the words into Even’s ear.

His eyes were still shut.

“You’re _my_ mess.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your support and comments on this story so far. It really means a lot to me! <3


	8. You're Here

Even stayed for the rest of the morning and into the afternoon. They lounged on Isak’s bed together, smoking yet another joint, and listening to some music quietly.

Isak found his way onto Even’s chest and wrapped an arm around Even’s middle, studiously avoiding looking up at Even in case he caught a glimpse of what was hidden underneath the sunglasses.

Isak had closed his open curtains and was keeping the sunlight at bay, but he knew he’d still be able to see the skin clearly around Even’s eyes if he looked.

So he just shut his eyes as he lied on Even’s chest, breathing in his scent and feeling a little breathless at the way Even stroked a hand down his back. 

The slightest of touches still drove Isak wild; made him want to start another round, feel Even’s bare skin.

But they had time for that later. The small hint of arousal Isak felt at being near Even excited him enough, made each touch that more electric, and so he didn’t want it to end. He didn’t want to make it stop.

He wanted to stay under the spell of it for as long as possible.

Isak nearly fell asleep again at one point as Even spoke about something to do with being the director of your own destiny, just like a film director.

He didn’t really know what he was saying when he stated, “But the idea of parallel universes is so _cool._ Like everything that can happen, _will_ , and not only that but it _is_ happening.”

Isak could still taste the flavour of weed on his tongue and it made him feel heavy; small yet heavy, weighted down against Even’s side.

“That’s enough jay for you.”

Isak ignored that comment and continued, his brain awake now and actually processing what he really wanted to say.

“But, in another universe, there is probably an Isak and Even lying in the exact same way, in the exact same place, but I don’t know…the curtains are yellow or something.”

“Yellow curtains, huh?” Even asked, his tone laced with doubt.

“Haven’t you ever _thought_ about it?”  

Suddenly, Even’s body froze up a bit. His arm that was around Isak’s shoulders fell to the bed, no longer clinging to Isak like he had been all afternoon.

“It makes me feel...lonely.”

_Oh._

Isak didn’t want to make Even sad, but the idea of parallel universes just fascinated him, and not just because he was high as a kite.

“It’s like the brain is alone. You only have your thoughts.”

_You would have me._

_I would find you in every universe._

“And that also means…” Even began, his voice sounding rougher now. “That in a parallel universe, I wouldn’t be blind.”

Isak was the one who froze this time, and he bit down on his bottom lip.

_Fuck._

“It freaks me out to think like that. And I don’t want to think that way because all I’ll imagine is what my life would be like if this hadn’t happened to me…and I can’t escape thoughts like that. The only way to escape it would be…”

“Even, I…”

“Would be to _die.”_

Isak was going to respond because his heart was beating _so fast_ , but then Even’s phone made a vibrating noise and he reached to pick it up. He opened it until he got to his messages.

“[ _One new message from Mom]_

_Even, when are you coming home? I hope you’re all right. Are you with Sana? Please let me know. Love you.”_

Even let out a giant sigh and turned his phone off, placing it back on the bed.

“You didn’t tell her you were here?” Isak asked hesitantly, not really seeing what could be wrong with the message.

Isak would kill to get normal messages like that from his own mother.

“She worries about me a lot. Too much.” Even whispered, rolling onto his side to face Isak. Isak made room for him and brought a hand up to touch Even’s arm.

“Is it annoying when she does that?”

Even considered. “Not _annoying,_ but…I just wish she didn’t feel like she has to worry about me. I don’t think she’d constantly check up on me if I wasn’t blind.”

Isak nodded, rubbing Even’s arm; an attempt at comforting him.

He wanted to bring up Even’s comment about death being the only way to escape your thoughts because that seemed _fucking serious,_ but Even completely changed the subject.

“How did you end up in this shared apartment?”

“Um, well…” Isak cleared his throat, just going with it. “I met Eskild at a bar.”

When Isak didn’t continue Even raised his eyebrows and chuckled. “So, he picked you up?”

“ _No._ I mean, I don’t really remember. I was really drunk.” Isak rushed to explain, his cheeks heating.

Why did he always blush so much?

“I was also kind of sad, so I think Eskild took pity on me. He brought me back here that night and you know, blah blah blah.” Isak muttered inarticulately.

“ _Blah, blah, blah?”_ Even laughed. “Good story.” He placed a kiss on Isak’s forehead.

Isak rolled his eyes, smiling.

“I never said I was great at telling stories.”

“Why were you sad?” Even asked.

_So many reasons._

“My dad had just left my mom, so…” Isak whispered the words this time, not really wanting to remember that day.

“ _You’re fucking crazy, Marianne! I can’t do this anymore!”_

_“Get out, then! Just leave me here to rot!”_

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’m over it.” Isak lied.

“If you want to talk, I’m here.”

Isak smiled at Even, but it suddenly occurred to him that Even couldn’t see that. So he pulled Even’s hand towards his face, asking silently for Even to trace his lips with his fingers.

“Smiling?”

Isak nodded.

“Is that smile for me?” Even asked, moving closer.

“Yes.” Isak breathed the word out just as Even brought their lips together, licking gently along Isak’s upper lip.

“Your smile tastes good.”

“Shut up!” Isak groaned, hiding his face in the palm of Even’s hand; his big hands cradling Isak’s head.

Even was such a cheeseball.

“I kind of have to go.” Even said a moment later, as he placed more kisses along Isak’s cheek and jaw.

“Oh. Okay.”

“I’m probably going to just call a cab. It’s easier.”

“Right.” Isak slowly sat up, the haze of their afternoon dissipating.

The disappointment in his voice must have been obvious because Even sat up too and reached to take Isak’s hand.

“Can I come back again sometime soon?”

Isak squeezed his hands. “Of course, Even.”

“Okay. And here, put your number into my phone. I want to text you.” Even handed his phone to Isak after he unlocked it and Isak typed his number in.

“It’s cool how you can text. I never thought about how handy IPhones are for that.”

“Gotta love Siri and Voiceover.” Even chuckled, dialling the number for a cab after Isak had given his phone back.

**

They stood outside Isak’s apartment building, waiting for the cab to show up. Isak was leaning into Even again, their hands entwined.

Isak had so many questions.

How would they act together at school?

Did Isak introduce Even to his friends?

How would Isak be able to keep his hands off Even?

“You’re thinking too hard again.” Even said, kissing Isak’s temple.

“I usually do.” Isak admitted, laughing humourlessly.

“We’ll take it slow, yeah? I’m okay with slow.”

How did Even just know that Isak was panicking? How could he be so in tune with Isak’s emotions, or rather, _emotional turmoil?_

“Slow is good.” Isak finally said back, just as the cab pulled up.

Isak helped Even into the cab and they kissed briefly before Even whispered his goodbye. Isak shut the door and watched the car drive off, instantly missing Even’s touch.

**

Jonas (23:12): _Yo buddy you okay?_

Isak (23:13): _Yeah, fine, why?_

Jonas (23:14): _I saw you leave the party yesterday with that blind guy. You friends with him now? You were pretty wasted. You texted me you were fine but just thought I’d check in._

Isak gulped down the ball of anxiety that was currently hanging out in his throat as he typed his reply.

Isak (23:16): _Yeah, he’s cool. Talked to him a bit. He helped me home_

Jonas: (23:18): _Cool, man. Everything been good with you?_

What did that mean?

Isak (23:18): _Yep. You?_

Jonas (23:19): _Yeah. Hooked up with a third year girl. It was awesome_

Isak (23:20): _Nice ;)_

He put his phone down, hoping the conversation was over. But something wasn’t sitting right with him. He unlocked his phone and typed another reply.

Isak (23:25): _His name is Even, btw. Not “the blind guy.”_

Jonas (23:27): _Lol, sorry. I guess calling him “the blind guy” isn’t so nice of me. My bad._

Isak (23:29): _That’s okay. You good if he sits with us at lunch or whatever?_

Jonas (23:32): _Sure, bro. More the merrier._

Isak (23:39): _Cool._

**

Sundays were usually spent sleeping in as late as possible and then doing homework. It was always just the way Isak did things.

But at 08:05 Isak’s phone started blaring at him and he jolted out of his deep sleep, reaching over and trying to read the name on the caller ID.

“Even?”

“Hey.”

“Ugh.” Isak said. “Hi.”

“Did I wake you?”

“No. I’m always up at 6 for my morning run and then I drink a kale smoothie. Wide awake.” Isak retorted, yawning as if on cue.

Even chuckled. “Sorry. I’m kind of a morning person.”

“That’s okay. How are you?”

“I’m all right. I was…thinking about you.”

Isak sat himself up in bed, crossing his legs. He couldn’t help but smile.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I know it’s only been a day, but…”

Isak waited for Even to finish the sentence, but he only heard Even’s breathing. Isak frowned a little in concern.

“Even?”

“I missed you. Missed hearing your voice.”

Isak brought a hand up to his lips and traced them the way he knew Even would; touched his forehead and neck, pressing down on his pulse point with his thumb.

“I miss you too.” Isak whispered.

“I like waking up with you, and holding you. It was nice to do that yesterday.” Even continued, his voice soft.

“Yeah. It was.” Isak agreed, feeling giddy for some reason.

_My sheets still smell like you._

“Do you know where my locker is at school?” Even asked.

Isak blushed. Of course he did. He’d spent a whole week walking past it and sneaking glances at Even when they hadn’t been talking.

“Um, maybe.”

“Maybe?” Even teased.

“ _Yes_ , okay. I…figured out where it is.”

“How did you do that?”

Isak thought back to when he had asked Even how he’d found Isak’s locker, and he instantly remembered Even’s response.

“I have my ways.” He replied, clicking his tongue.

Even laughed, loud and genuine. “Do your ways involve grovelling to Sana and bribing her with food until she told you where my locker was, because that was definitely my way when I was trying to find your locker.”

“Stalker.”

“Seems like I’m not the only one.”

Isak laughed too, hugging a pillow to his chest; wishing it was Even.

“ _Anyways,_ why are you asking me about your locker?”

“Will you meet me there before school starts tomorrow morning? I want to see you before class.” Even said.

_See you._

Yes. Isak wanted that more than anything. His skin broke out in goosebumps at the anticipation of it and he sucked in a deep breath.

“Okay.”

“Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow then. Have a good Sunday, Isak.”

“You too, Even.”

Isak didn’t stop smiling for the rest of the day.

**

Isak got to school early the next day – even earlier than when he was supposed to go and meet Even. He got the books he needed from his own locker and then he headed down the somewhat empty hallways to where Even’s locker was.

His body felt alight with excitement. He wanted his hands on Even. He wanted Even’s hands on him.

He just _wanted._

He thought of how Even would be standing next to his locker, maybe leaning against it; face turned in Isak’s direction. Maybe if the hallway was empty enough Even would hear Isak’s approach and smile.

Maybe they could steal some kisses before anyone would see.

Isak’s fantasy shattered as soon as he turned the last corner. Even wasn’t smiling or turned Isak’s way or leaning casually against the lockers.

And he wasn’t _alone._

“Just stay the fuck away from him, do you understand me?” A tall, dark-haired boy angrily spat at Even, shoving his shoulder and making him stumble backwards.

Isak took a few steps forward.

_Get your hands off him._

“I didn’t do anything!” Even said, trying to reach out to the person; trying to find his balance.

Isak saw that Even’s cane was already on the floor and Even looked close to tears. He looked so tormented.

This had to stop. Even didn’t deserve this – _whatever_ this was.  

“I’m serious, Even. Just stop it. Don’t text him either.” The boy said, and without another word he walked down the hallway; not noticing Isak at all.

As the boy’s footsteps faded, Even knelt down on the floor and tried to find his cane – kind of like he had done when Isak knocked into him on the first day.

As Isak approached quietly, he could see that Even was crying. He was trying to hold back the tears, but he was definitely crying.

“Goddamnit!” Even wailed suddenly, nowhere close to finding where his cane was.

Isak picked it up and knelt down beside Even, placing a gentle hand on Even’s shoulder. Even flinched.

“It’s me, Even. It’s me.” Isak whispered, placing the cane in Even’s hand and then helping him to his feet.

Even wiped at his face, trying to hide the fact that he had been crying and then he flashed Isak a smile.

“Thanks, Isak. I…ugh…when did you get here?”

Even was so flustered. Isak could feel him shaking, could hear how fast his breath was coming. And more and more people were piling into the hallway, getting ready for morning classes.

“Come this way.” Isak said, taking Even’s arm and guiding him towards the empty classroom beside his row of lockers.

“Isak, I’m fine. I just…”

Isak closed the door behind them, leaving them in silence. Even looked like he was trying to think of a good reason for what he must know Isak had seen, and he was failing at coming up with a story.

He didn’t want Isak to know the truth. He didn’t want to explain.

“Even, calm down. Breathe.” Isak shushed, taking both of Even’s hands in his own. He brought Even’s hands up to his face, begging him with the gesture to do what they had wanted to do this morning.

“See me.” Isak whispered. “Just see me. Don’t think of anything else.”

The second Even’s fingers made contact with Isak’s skin, he sucked in a long breath; his bottom lip quivering. He was still trying to hold back; still trying to be brave.

“I’m here.”

Even only hesitated a second longer before he looked at Isak, dragging his fingertips along Isak’s cheeks and jaw, clinging to his neck and collarbone longer than he had before. He tucked his right hand below the top of Isak’s t-shirt, making his way down Isak’s chest; stopping over his heart.

“You’re here.” Even finally said.

“Yes. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

“But, I…you _saw…”_

“Even…” Isak interrupted, putting his own hand on top of Even’s heart. “The only thing I see right now, is _you_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments always welcome and appreciated! <3


	9. Just For a Moment

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um, so the response to this fic has been insanely incredible. I can't thank you guys enough <3 Your feedback has been so amazing. I really mean it from the bottom of my heart when I say thank you!

The bell rang, loud and shrill, signalling the beginning of classes. Isak knew there would be students coming into the classroom he and Even were currently standing in.

But he still didn’t move right away.

Even’s breathing had calmed down and they’d spent the last fifteen minutes just standing and _feeling_ each other; Even seeing Isak.

They hadn’t really spoken yet.

Of course Isak was curious. Of course Isak wanted to know who that guy was, why he’d been pushing Even around, but Isak also knew Even wasn’t ready. So he wasn’t going to push.

“We should probably go.” Even whispered, placing a light kiss on top of Isak’s closed eyes; one after the other, before he released Isak completely.

“Are you okay?”

It was probably a dumb question, but Isak felt compelled to ask anyways.

Even paused a moment before he swung his backpack over his shoulder and put his cane in front of him. “Not really, Isak. I don’t mean to be mysterious about it…I just…it’s a lot to take in right now.”

Isak nodded. “It’s all right, Even. You can tell me when you’re ready. _If ever._ But I don’t like seeing people hurt you.”

Even looked like he was going to answer, but then the door opened and some people started piling into the classroom, giving them puzzled looks.

Isak helped Even get into the crowded hallway and he knew they had to part ways. Even looked just as hesitant, just as reluctant as Isak felt, so Isak made it easy for him. He leaned in towards Even’s ear so he could hear him properly over the loud talking.

“I’ll meet you in the cafeteria at lunch, okay?”

That earned him a smile and a gentle pat on his hip. “Okay.”

**

Isak didn’t mean to start looking up people on Sana’s Facebook page. It had started out innocent enough, sneakily logging onto his account as his Norwegian teacher droned on and on.

It was just meant to be a distraction from the boredom he was plagued with.

But then he got curios. And he’d _just_ befriended Sana on Facebook, and now that Even had told him he was friends with Sana also…

Isak knew he was looking for the boy; the one who had crowded Even and shoved him, and Isak’s hands still balled into fists at the thought of it. Why would anyone want to hurt Even? Or threaten him?

How could anyone think it was okay to push a _blind_ person, or shove their cane out of their hands?

But the downfall to Isak’s curiosity was that he hadn’t exactly seen the boy’s face. He had only seen him from the back. He’d gotten a great view of the guy’s outfit, but not the one thing he would need to see in order to identify him.

And Sana was friends with a lot of people on Facebook who had dark brown hair.

“Why are you stalking Sana?” A voice came from behind him.

Isak whirled around and saw Vilde standing there, a kind-of angry expression in her raised eyebrows. He’d forgotten she was in this class, and he’d also totally missed the fact that class was over.

“I’m not _stalking_ her.” He scoffed, closing his laptop. He stood up and shoved his things into his backpack, expecting Vilde to walk away.

But when he looked up again she was still standing there, arms crossed in front of her chest.

This couldn’t be good.

“I need someone to host for our kosegruppa get together. This Friday.” She said, her voice high and shrill and…expectant.

Again with this kosegruppa _shit._

“I have roommates, Vilde. It’s not like I can decide for them.” Isak said, rolling his eyes. “Can’t you host, or Sana, or… _Eva_?”

He said Eva’s name slowly and awkwardly. He still got embarrassed when he thought of everything he’d done last year. It was all such a mess still.

Vilde looked offended as she began to walk out of class, fully assuming Isak would follow her. He did, but only because he had another class to go to.

“My mom is holding a wine tasting party, Eva’s house was trashed last time, and Sana…” Vilde shook her head, looking flustered. “Sana is _Muslim.”_

Isak refrained from rolling his eyes again, but it took a lot of will power.

“Okay, but…”

“Isak, you need to take responsibility! Sana said you were interested in kosegruppa. This is how you prove it to me. And besides, Eskild already said it would be fine. I took the liberty of asking him.”

Well, fuck Sana _and_ Eskild. Seriously.

“So, you’ll host Friday at six. Bye Isak!” Vilde called, flipping her hair and running down the hallway.

Isak begrudgingly walked to his next class.

**

Isak was excited and nervous for lunchtime. He wanted to see Even, more than anything, but he also didn’t want his friends to be idiots.

Or, assume that Isak had a big gay crush on Even.

Which, _heh,_ he did. And it was more than a crush, technically they were _boyfriends._ But that was beside the point.

So when he walked into the cafeteria and saw Jonas and Even already sitting together, his heart leapt into his throat and he faltered. He looked at them carefully and they were talking casually. Jonas seemed really excited about whatever he was talking about.

Isak relaxed a bit when he saw Even laughing and he made his way over to their table.

“Isak, hey!” Jonas greeted, reaching out for Isak’s hand. “I saw Even and helped him over. Beat you to it.”

He winked at Isak and Isak chuckled.

“I’m glad you guys met.” Isak said, sitting down in between them.

He automatically reached to touch Even, placing a hand on Even’s shoulder and rubbing. Jonas saw it but didn’t seem bothered or…suspicious.

It was all very normal.

Until Even put his hand on Isak’s face and caressed his cheek, and then his jaw; the way he did. The way that Isak _loved._ It was how Even saw him. But upon seeing that, Jonas cocked an eyebrow in questioning.

Isak opened his mouth to say something, but then Magnus and Mahdi plopped down in the empty seats at their table, engaged in a very important conversation about…Vilde?

“I’m just saying, she’s good looking! I had a dream where she was this total dominatrix chick. It was so hot!” Magnus exclaimed, laughing his high-pitched laugh.

Mahdi just looked at him like he was a complete dumbass. When he turned to get support from Jonas and Isak, he seemed to finally clue in that someone else was sitting at their table.

Someone who _still_ had his hand on Isak’s face.

“Ugh, who is this?” Mahdi asked politely, flashing a quick smile.

“You’re the blind guy! Isak, you know the _blind guy?”_ Magnus screeched, his mouth hanging open. Jonas shook his head and then face-palmed.

“ _Dude.”_

Even seemed to remember that he and Isak weren’t alone, so he promptly moved his hand and tilted his head in the direction of the other boys.

Isak could feel how hot his face was, terrified that Jonas had figured it all out. The boy kind of had a sixth sense when it came to Isak. But he carried on.

“Guys, this is Even. We met at the party on the weekend. He’s new here, so I thought he could sit with us.” Isak said, surprised by the smoothness of his own voice.

“Cool. Nice to meet you. I’m Mahdi.”

Even put his hand out, not stretching too far, and waited for Mahdi to take it until he shook. He smiled. “Nice to meet you.”

“This idiot is Magnus. He often speaks before he _thinks.”_ Jonas said, just as Magnus reached over to shake Even’s hand as well.

“Huh? What did I say now?”

Even just chuckled. “It’s all good, Magnus. You’re fine.”

“Thanks, Even.” Magnus smiled, shoving Jonas with his shoulder.

Everyone began eating and Magnus started talking about his latest assignment in Math. Jonas and Mahdi pitched it, laughing as they did at the way Magnus explained things. Isak just listened, taking small bites of whatever he brought for lunch. Some kind of lasagna leftover concoction Eskild had explained was the _best thing_ ever.

It tasted like cardboard.

Even ate his sandwich, listening to the conversation. Isak stole some glances at Even’s profile when he could, when he thought it was appropriate.

He could sort of see the skin around Even’s eyes since he was looking at Even from the side. It was slightly redder than the rest of the skin on his face. But Isak didn’t allow himself to look for too long. It felt like an invasion of privacy.

“So, Even, were you born blind?”

Isak choked on the mouthful of food in his mouth.

“ _Magnus.”_

Magnus frowned. “What? Is that rude?”

Even put a hand on Isak’s knee and Isak jumped. “No, it isn’t rude.”

“See? Everyone _chill._ ” Magnus implored, rolling his eyes.

For some reason, Isak felt angry at Magnus. He was asking about something very personal. It didn’t seem right, even if Even was playing it up like everything was fine. Isak could feel the slight tremble in Even’s hand, and the way his palm was sweaty.

Isak didn’t want his friends to know the story before he did. Maybe that was selfish of him, but that’s the way he felt.

“I went blind when I was thirteen. There was an accident.”

Isak cleared his throat and wrapped his hand around Even’s, squeezing. He knew the boys couldn’t see what they were doing under the table, and the contact felt nice.

_I’m here._

“Shit, that sucks. But that’s good you know what things _look_ like, right? Like colours and grass and the sky and shit.” Magus commented, burping loudly. “So when people talk about things, you actually have an idea of what stuff is.”

Even shifted a little in his seat. “Yes. I can remember what colours are; that the sky is blue and the grass is green.” He smiled after he spoke, but it was empty.

He let go of Isak’s hand and didn’t touch him again for the rest of lunch.

“Okay, so about this Vilde dream…” Magnus began, going on to explain about the all leather outfit and the whip.

Isak didn’t really hear another word. He missed Even and he was sitting right next to him. But he knew Even was somewhere else.

Maybe he was thinking about what the sky looked like, or how the grass shines in the summer; when everything is lush and green and _alive._ Maybe he was wishing he could see it all again.

Isak pondered what it would be like to know what things looked like but never being able to see them again. He’d never see the sun shining, or the stark blue of the sky, or the stars. He’d know what they were, but he’d never be able to see them again.

Even had sight and it was taken from him. Was that better or worse than being born blind and having no concept of sight?

Even was fiddling with his hands and Isak could see his chest rise and fall quickly.

_Come back. I’m here._

The bell rang and Isak was snapped out of his daydreaming; his longing. The boys stood up, saying goodbye and that it was nice meeting Even. Even just waved, nodding and smiling as he stood up and got his cane.

“Even…” Isak began, as soon as they were somewhat alone.

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry if Magnus…if he went too far. He doesn’t have a filter at all.”

“It’s okay, Isak. A lot of people ask me questions like that.” Even shrugged.

“Maybe they shouldn’t. Maybe it’s none of their business.”

Even turned towards him and put his hands out, searching. Isak took a step towards him, again automatically, and nuzzled into the softness of his touch.

He forgot that he was trying to hide this. Just for a moment.

“I’m okay, Isak. I promise.” Even whispered, and then he sighed. “I wish I could kiss you right now.”

“I know.” Isak whispered back.

Someone bumped into Isak’s shoulder and it broke the spell. The girl turned and gave Isak an apologetic look before walking off, and Isak remembered he was supposed to be going to class as well.

He moved away from Even.

“Have a good afternoon.” Even said, a disappointed pout on his lips. “I’ll text you later?”

“Yes, please.” Isak called, watching as Even made his way down the hall.

He made it to his own class just in time.

**

Isak went to Even’s locker at the end of the day, but he wasn’t there. Isak walked around the halls for a bit before he went to meet Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus; disappointed when he couldn’t find him anywhere.

Maybe he’d already gone home.

Or maybe that guy came back.

Isak (15:43): _Hey, are you at school still?_

“I like your friend. He seems nice.”

Isak jumped and looked up from his phone. He saw Jonas in front of him and breathed a sigh of relief, tucking his phone back into his pocket.

“Ugh, yeah. He’s cool.”

They walked together towards the front doors, heading to catch the tram.

“Want to hang out now? Catch up a bit?” Jonas offered, flashing him a smile.

_I used to die a little when you looked at me like that._

“Sure.”

“My place or yours?”

“Maybe mine? I promised Eskild I’d do some of his laundry because he’s cooked a lot for us recently.” Isak sighed.

Jonas just laughed. “Okay, man.”

Isak felt his phone vibrate in his pocket and he pulled it out, anxious to see Even’s name.

Even (15:52): _I’m fine. Went home a bit early with a headache. How was your day?_

“Your mom?” Jonas questioned, giving Isak a knowing look.

That was a whole other can of worms Isak wasn’t ready to open.

“No. It’s Even.”

“He can come over too if he wants. He around somewhere?”

“He went home with a headache.”

“Oh. Okay. He seems to really like you.” Jonas said, casual-as-you-fucking-please. It actually made Isak stop in his tracks, frowning at his friend.

“What?”

Jonas looked a bit taken aback by Isak’s question. “I just mean…he touches you a lot. He’s friendly with you. _I don’t know_. I can just tell he likes you.”

“He _touches_ me a lot?”

“Like…he had his hand on your knee. He touches your face quite a bit. It’s fine, man. I was just trying to make conversation. Lighten up, Iss.”

Isak didn’t know why he was so scared. Maybe it was because Jonas had figured it out but he wasn’t just saying it. Maybe it was because Isak didn’t want him to know. Maybe he never should have brought Even around his friends.

He want to keep Even and his touches and _them_ in a quiet, tucked away place where nobody could over-analyze every single touch.

“He’s blind, Jonas. Touch is how he…how he _sees.”_

Jonas licked his lips and ran a hand through his hair, glancing around. He looked nervous and it was making Isak nervous.

“He didn’t touch the rest of us like that, Isak. He shook our hands, yeah, but he didn’t…”

“What are you implying, Jonas?” Isak interrupted.

“Nothing! I’m not implying anything, Isak. I just…you know I would be okay with it, right? You know I wouldn’t _care_ if you liked Even.”

_I don’t know anything._

“I don’t…” _like him._

But Isak couldn’t finish his sentence.

“Look, forget it. I didn’t mean to upset you. Let’s just go and hang out.” Jonas stated, touching Isak’s arm. “Come on.”

Isak followed him to the tram stop and eventually they talked about other things. School. The kosegruppa party Isak was forced to host. Who owed who alcohol.

Isak wanted to say it. He wanted to just blurt it out. On some level he knew Jonas wouldn’t care. He knew he could trust him.

But he was too afraid.

_Not yet._

Some day. Just not yet.

**

Isak was nearly asleep, drifiting off, when his phone rang. He bolted up in his bed and reached for his phone, panic soaring in his blood.

“Hello?”

“Hey.”

It was Even. He looked over at the clock and it read 23:27. He’d only come to bed at 23:10 so he hadn’t been dozing long. But the phone had scared him and his heart was pounding, so he was a little breathless as he said, “What’s up?”

“I didn’t hear from you all night. Just wanted to make sure you were okay?” Even asked, his voice sounding hesitant and small.

Shit. Isak had never replied to Even’s text message about his day.

“Sorry. Jonas came over after school and we played video games. Then I did about six loads of laundry for Eskild.” Isak explained.

“Video games,” Even said, the word sounding odd. “I remember video games.”

“You played?” Isak asked, without thinking.

“I used to.” Even whispered. “But, that’s cool. I’m glad you have Jonas. He seems like a good guy.”

“He is.” Isak agreed, unable to argue fact.

Jonas’s words from earlier suddenly popped into Isak’s head. _He touches you a lot._ Isak knew this, of course. It was a thing. But Isak had kind of assumed that Even touched people a lot more than an average person would because…that’s how he saw people. He needed to trace their features with his hands.

Right?

“Even?” Isak asked, unable to stop himself.

“Yeah?”

“Do you…touch people the way you touch me?”

_Stupid. I sound so stupid._

“What?” Even said, laughing a little awkwardly. “What do you mean?”

“You…the first day I met you, you touched my face. I realize that’s how you see people, how you see _me._ But, you didn’t do that with Mahdi or Magnus or Jonas today. So I just…”

“No.” Even interrupted, the word loud and strong. “No, I don’t touch people the way I touch you.”

“But, I thought…”

“I heard your voice that day. I heard it and I wanted…to see you. It was the first time in a long time that I…wanted to _feel_ someone. So, I did. Even if you had freaked out, I just _had_ to.”

Isak shivered and felt goosebumps appear on his arms; whip across the back of his neck.

“So that’s…the touching…it’s just for me?”

There was a pause, a silence in which Isak’s stomach curled up with anxiety; fearing the answer and surprised by the fact that he asked at all.

“You’re the only person I want to see, Isak. You’re the only person I want to touch me back.” Even whispered, his voice breaking.

Isak smiled, closing his eyes; wishing Even was here so he could touch him.

“I’ll touch you tomorrow. We can meet before school starts again.” Isak suggested.

“Okay. I’m…sorry for this morning. I didn’t want you to…”

“It’s not your fault, Even.” Isak interrupted.

“It is, though. I did something stupid and it’s coming back to bite me in the ass.” Even sighed. “But I never wanted to drag you into it.”

“You’re not dragging me into it, Even. Your past is _yours._ It’s for you to keep. I just want to know that you’re okay.”

“I will be, Isak. I’ll be okay.” Even said, a bit more confidence in his voice. “I have you, don’t I? How could I feel bad?”

Isak giggled.

_Like a thirteen year old girl in love with a boy band member._

“I wish I could see your smile.” Even said.

“Not right now you don’t. It’s currently taking up my entire face. Not a pretty sight.”

“You’re always pretty.”

“Shut up.”

“Can I take your pretty face out on a date this Friday?” Even asked, making Isak freeze.

_Shit._ The party.

“Um, I kind of promised Vilde that I would host a kosegruppa thing on Friday. Sorry.” Isak had never meant an apology more.

He would much rather go on a date – a date with _Even –_ than host some stupid pregame. He could feel his heart constrict at the loss.

“Can I come too then?”

“Of course. I was actually going to invite you tomorrow.”

“Cool. We can go on a date some other time.”

“Yes, please.” Isak replied.

A silence fell over them again but it was comfortable. Isak was still smiling and he imagined Even sitting in his own room doing the same thing. It was approaching midnight and Isak knew they should both be asleep, but he had one question on his mind.

“Even? Can I ask you something?”

“Anything.”

“Is there something you miss the most?”

“Miss?”

“That you miss looking at, I mean. I’m sorry if that’s going too far, I just wondered if there was something you wanted to see again.” Isak asked, his hands shaking.

He still didn’t want to cross a line.

“My brother’s face.” Even said, without hesitation. “I miss seeing him laugh. His whole face lights up. I haven’t seen his face in five years. He was just a baby when I went blind. I wish I could see how much he’s changed.”

Isak felt a part of himself shatter a little bit.

“He seems like a really nice kid.” Isak commented.

“The best.”

Isak could hear the smile in his voice.

“I have a sister about his age. I don’t see her a lot. But she has changed so much since she was a baby. It’s crazy how time flies.” Isak whispered, thinking of Lea.

_“You can’t take my daughter from me! Give her back!”_

_“How do you expect to take care of a five-year-old, Marianne? She’s coming with me!”_

_“Are you taking Isak with you too then? Why don’t you just take all the things that matter to me most? It’s what you’re good at!”_

“What’s her name?” Even asked.

“Lea.” Isak sighed. “I miss her.”

“I’m sorry, Isak.”

“It’s okay. So…I’ll come and meet you tomorrow?” Isak said, trying to change the subject.

Even took the hint. “Looking forward to it. Goodnight, Isak. I’ll dream of you.”

“You can’t control what you dream about. You’re asleep.” Isak retorted, but he was still smiling.

“I didn’t say I’d be asleep when I dream of you, Isak.”

Isak felt the blush soar across his face and down his back. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY!   
> So, I do not know how old Isak's sister is supposed to be in the show, but I made her really young here. I am building up to talking about Isak's background, which is slightly different from canon, and also more of who the boy was speaking to/pushing Even. Next chapter will be the kosegruppa party :) 
> 
> Comments always welcome and appreciated! <3


	10. Close Your Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Slight warning for some racist language/conversation (not by Isak or Even though)**

**Friday**

Isak had no reason to push Emma away.

He wanted to, but he couldn’t. Because Magnus invited her and he was looking at Isak expectantly under the blue light; his forehead a maze of florescent colours.

Isak was dizzy and so, so, utterly screwed.

Mahdi was watching too, along with Jonas who was looking at Isak worriedly as Isak put his arm around Emma’s shoulders and gave her a smile; their legs touching in the close proximity of the couch.

His lips were shaking.

Any second now Even could show up. He texted Isak that he was bringing Sonja and that he was excited to be coming to the party. He also mentioned having some alone time in Isak’s room if they could sneak away.

That plan would have worked, and was _all_ Isak wanted, but then Magnus had showed up.

And the world kind of ended.

“I invited Emma! She is _dying_ to get into your pants, man. It’s high time you tapped that.” Magnus announced, punching Isak playfully in the shoulder like he had just done the biggest favour in the world for Isak.

Isak literally felt the blood drain from his face.

“Magnus…what?”

“I know you’re into her! I’m surprised you haven’t done anything about it yet. Are you, like, _gay,_ or something?” Magnus laughed, looking over at Mahdi and Jonas for support.

Neither of them laughed. They just looked at Isak with wide eyes.

“Magnus, there isn’t anything wrong with…” Jonas began.

“Shut the fuck up, Magnus. I’m not gay.” Isak jumped in, unable to stop himself.

_You goddamn fucking coward._

“Yeah? Then go over there and prove it.” Magnus smacked his lips and motioned towards the door where Emma was currently standing, taking her jacket off.

Her gaze immediately found Isak’s and Isak was going to puke.

“I don’t want to seem desperate, Magnus. And for the fucking record, I can get girls myself.” Isak snapped, walking away from his friends and into the kitchen.

If this was happening he needed a goddamn beer.

Or twelve.

Before he knew it, Emma had come up to him and put an arm through his, steering him towards the couch.

And now here he was, pulling Emma closer to him and asking about her favourite music, catching his friends’ eye every other second and he was now one hundred percent sure his heart was about to give out.

“You two look cozy.” Someone said above them.

Isak looked away from Emma’s dopey smile and right up into the stone-cold glare of Sana.

_Fuck his fucking goddamn life._

“Ugh, who are you?” Emma asked, her voice not pleasant or inviting.

“Nobody.” Sana snapped, not even glancing at Emma. But she never took her eyes off of Isak. “Are you serious right now?” She asked, raising her eyebrows.

Isak gulped. “Sana…”

“You’re an idiot.”

She turned on her heel and marched away, back into the circle of her friends. Eva and Vilde shot Isak some glances but Sana didn’t look to be saying anything about him. They just seemed curious about what was going on.

Isak didn’t think Sana would out him.

Right?

“Is she your ex or something? What the hell?” Emma asked, laughing a bit. “I didn’t know you had a taste for the…exotic.”

Isak frowned and moved away from Emma, shaking off her clingy hold.

“Excuse me?”

“What? _Is_ she your ex?”

“No, she isn’t. But what you just said was fucking racist as hell, Emma. Do you even think before you speak?”

Emma looked hurt by his words, but she didn’t turn away or move to get up. She studied his face, breathing hard.

“I…what I said came out wrong. I just meant that I thought you had a _type,_ and she didn’t seem to fit it. I’m sorry.” Emma whispered, finally breaking eye contact and looking at the floor.

Her face was bright red and Isak could tell she meant her apology. But _fucking hell_. The girl needed to get a fucking filter.

“Why do you think I have a type?” Isak settled on asking, unsure of what else to say.

Emma bit her bottom lip as she looked at him again.

“I…did some asking around about you. I found out you liked Eva last year, and dated a girl named Sara. They’re both…typical Norwegian girls. Like…like _me._ I didn’t ever hear about you liking Muslim girls, so I just…”

“People can like who they like, Emma. You don’t have to have a type.” Isak interrupted, closing his eyes and shaking his head.

_You fucking hypocrite._

“But… _do_ you like me, Isak? I can’t fucking read you.” Emma asked, her voice small like a mouse.

_No._

The person Isak liked, the person who was his _type,_ had just walked through the door. And that person was a tall, blonde, _guy_ who was dressed in a skin-tight t-shirt and looked like he had just walked out of Isak’s wet dreams.

A guy who kissed Sana and Vilde on the cheeks as they welcomed him.

A guy who Isak could tell was standing and hoping to _see_ Isak, even though he couldn’t see anything else in the room.

A guy who…Isak was falling so fucking hard for.

So Isak turned to Emma and took her hands, his heart absolutely pounding. And when she looked up into his face, hopeful and vulnerable, Isak knew he had to be honest.

_I don’t want to lie anymore._

“I’m sorry, Emma. I’m sorry but I don’t like you in that way.”

After a few seconds, Emma squeezed his hands and nodded, looking like she was trying to figure out what to say. Isak held his breath.

“I knew it. I think I’ve known it for a while.” She stated, and then she was standing up. Isak did too, because he felt awkward and _awful,_ but he didn’t want to play her.

“Emma, I…”

“Thanks for telling me. See you around, Isak.” And she walked away, careful to step around Even who was still standing in the doorway, turning his head like he was scanning the room.

_Where are you?_ Even’s posture seemed to ask.

_I’m here. I’m right here, for_ you.

Isak ignored the calls from Magnus and Mahdi – something about ‘ _dude, what the hell?’ –_ and let himself focus on the one person he wanted to see.

The only thing that mattered.

When Isak was close enough to nearly feel the heat radiating off of Even’s body, he stopped and let out the breath he’d been holding; the one making his lungs burn.

“Hey.”

Even broke out into a smile and put his right arm up, seeking out Isak’s touch. He found him easily and Isak didn’t hesitate, walking into Even’s frame and pulling him into a hug.

He was warm and solid and smelled _good._

He smelled like home.

“Isak.” Even said right into his ear, hugging him back tightly.

“Come with me.” Isak whispered back, tugging on Even’s shirt sleeve.

_The things you do to me._

“But, I want you to meet someone.” Even hesitated, turning in the direction of the door.

Isak refrained from whining, but only just.

“I’m Sonja. Best friend. Nice to meet you. Now go with him, Even. Find me later.” A short-haired, blonde girl with strikingly beautiful eyes and a freckled face smiled, touching Isak’s back briefly before heading past them and into the living room.

She winked at Isak before going off in search of alcohol, Isak imagined.

“She’s nice.” Isak commented, dragging Even down the hallway towards his bedroom.

Or, well, he didn’t _drag_ so much as he guided Even to his room safely; because even though Isak was dying to get his hands on Even, he wanted Even to get to his room without tripping.

Once the door was closed, effectively leaving them in a quieter space, Isak put his hand on the back of Even’s head and guided him once again; guided their lips together.

He kissed Even softly, so fucking softly and slowly. He put everything he had into the kiss and more.

It was then that Isak realized that he hadn’t kissed Even all week.

All. Fucking. Week.  

Isak had met Even by his locker every morning. They talked and touched and hugged, but never…they had never _kissed_ at school. Neither of them tried.

Isak never tried.

Not even a peck on the cheek after school, or in between classes. There never seemed to be a right moment for it; a way of getting Even alone.

Isak’s lips tingled with intensity as their kisses heated up, as their mouths opened and their tongues danced and Isak moaned for it; pressed his whole body into Even’s until he had effectively backed him into the closed door.

Even’s hands were on Isak’s lower back, pulling him into his body.

How had Isak gone so long without this?

_Fuck slow._

“God, I missed you. I missed you, Even.” Isak panted, wrenching his mouth away long enough to suck a dark mark into Even’s collarbone, just below his white t-shirt neck line.

Even’s back arched and he groaned, rather loudly and deeply.

_Yes._ More. More of that sound, right the hell now.

“Missed you too.”

Isak felt kind of crazy. He couldn’t stop touching Even, couldn’t stop kissing his skin. He’d just told Emma; not the full truth but enough for her to back off, and it was such a freeing experience. Isak wanted it to last.

He wanted to live in this feeling.

“Isak…” Even was saying, over and over again; tugging on Isak’s hair, pulling at his lips with his thumb. “Wait, I…”

Isak broke away, breathing heavily. “What’s wrong?” He asked, suddenly afraid he had gone too far; pushed too much.

_He’s never kissed anyone before. You’re the first._

“I just…” Even put his hands on Isak’s shoulders, which stopped Isak from coming closer. “What’s going on _?”_

Isak frowned.

_What?_

“Nothing. There isn’t anything going on.”

“You’re…not acting like yourself.” Even commented.

Isak took a step away from Even, dropping his hands to his sides. “I’m not allowed to have missed you? Is it so bizarre that I just wanted to get you alone? _You_ told me you wanted to be alone with me!”

Isak was shouting.

And he was shaking like a leaf. Shit.

“Isak…” Even whispered, reaching out for him again.

Isak stepped further away.

“I just…I told her. I told Emma that I don’t like her. She was all over me and I…I couldn’t do it anymore. I can’t do it anymore, Even.” Isak said, the words tumbling out of his mouth.

“Isak, let me just…”

“No, I _can’t.”_ Isak yelled. He took another step back. “Don’t.”

Even’s face fell and he put himself back against the door.

“Talk to me then, Isak. What _can’t_ you do?”

Isak tried to take in a deep breath but he couldn’t. His lungs couldn’t inflate. “I…I’ve missed…you…so…much.” He panted.

Even frowned in his concern. “I don’t understand, Isak. You have to breathe. Let me come to you, please.” He took a hesitant step forward.

“No, your hands…” Isak shuddered. “If your hands are on me…I don’t want anything else. I don’t want…to pretend like you aren’t what I want.”

“Then stop pretending, Isak.”

“It’s not that simple!” Isak pleaded, feeling his phone in his pocket; his mother’s texts practically screaming at him.

_You’re going to burn. You’re going to rot down there._

_You aren’t normal._

“It _is_ that simple, Isak. If you want it to be, it can be. I don’t think anyone will care…Your friends are nice, Isak.”

Even was coming closer now and Isak didn’t have the heart to move away again. He wanted to just plunge head first into the feeling, into the exhilaration…into this colossal thing between them that was pulling at every heart string, every fibre of Isak’s being.

Even wrapped his arms around Isak and held him into his chest.

_Please don’t let go. Don’t ever let me go._

“I want to do dance with you.” Isak said, the words less than a whisper.

“What?” Even asked, his voice soft as he ran a hand down Isak’s back.

“I was watching some people dance, and all I could think about…was how much I wanted to dance with _you.”_

Admitting it out loud made Isak’s cheeks immediately flush, but he didn’t regret it.

“Then let’s dance.”

**

Everyone was talking or dancing or drinking as Isak and Even found a spot in the middle of all the people dancing.

Nobody was looking at them.

Not even Isak’s friends, who were all dancing with a girl and either kissing or deep in conversation.

So Isak let Even pull his hands around to hold onto Even’s neck and he brought their bodies flush together.

“Do me a favour, Isak.” Even said, directly into Isak’s ear.

Isak’s knees felt wobbly.

“Close your eyes.”

Isak did, putting his cheek on Even’s chest and swaying to the song.

_All I need is to be struck_  
By your electric love  
Baby, you're electric love  
Electric love

_Drowning_  
You make my heart beat like the rain  
Surround me  
Hold me deep beneath your weight

As the song went on, Isak held onto Even got tighter, needing to be closer; to be everywhere all at once.

 Isak was breathing heavily, so wrapped up in seeing Even that he forgot his eyes were closed. He forgot that other people were in the room and that he was dancing with a boy. He forgot that this was supposed to be scary.

 It was the most beautiful thing he’d ever done.

Even’s hot breath poured into his skin; their hearts beating almost in sync.

 Isak was so amazed by it all, so entirely _gone_ for this person next to him, that he didn’t think about it as he moved his head up and sought out Even’s lips with his own; capturing them and licking them and whimpering into it like it was the last time.

 But he knew it wouldn’t be.

 It was only the beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song they are dancing to is called "Electric Love' by Børns 
> 
> Comments always welcome and appreciated! <3


	11. Open Your Eyes

Isak was so caught up in the feel of Even’s mouth, the slow and tender way Even was holding his jaw, that he didn’t realize that the world wasn’t blue anymore.

The normal lights had been turned on, suddenly and abruptly, and the world came back into focus.

Isak’s eyes shot open and then he remembered.

He remembered he was in his apartment, hosting a party, and that he had just been kissing a guy in front of everyone he knew at his school.

He was still holding onto Even and Even was still nuzzling his cheek, unaware that anything else was happening.

“Okay, listen up!” Eva hollered, trying to capture everyone’s attention. “The cabs are outside so we have to grab our jackets and go!”

Isak dropped his hands away from Even as people began to shuffle around, grabbing their coats and putting their shoes on. Even still held onto Isak’s waist and looked like he was waiting for Isak to speak to him.

And Isak was about to. But then he looked across the room and into the stares of Mahdi, Magnus and Jonas who were looking at him with confusion.

_They saw._

“Hey, are you guys coming? Evy, I’ll help you get your shoes.” Sonja said, popping out of nowhere and smiling at them.

Even turned to face her and she put her hands on his shoulders. He smiled back at her, touching her hands with his own, and Isak took a moment to appreciate their friendship. They seemed close.

“Iss, you coming?” A voice asked from behind Isak. He whirled around and saw Jonas standing there, a small and shy smile on his lips.

“Um, I…”

“Dude, _congrats,_ by the way!” Magnus said, coming up to them and slapping Isak on the back. Isak frowned, his turn to be confused.

“You and Even!” Magnus clarified, motioning over to Even.

Wait.

Magnus was congratulating him for making out with a boy?

“He’s a totally handsome guy. You fucking scored.” Mahdi added, nodding and looking impressed.

Isak couldn’t help but burst out laughing and he kept laughing like he had just heard the world’s funniest joke.

_They’re fine with it._

_Everything is okay._

If tears filled Isak’s eyes he tried not to bring attention to them as he reached for Jonas and pulled him into a hug, tilting his head in invitation for Magnus and Mahdi to join. Before he knew it he was being pushed to the floor by the force of the three boys hugging him, and he toppled over, all four of them drunkenly laughing now.

“You could have just told us you were gay!” Magnus said, his face entirely too close to Isak’s face where they were laying on the floor.

“Shut the fuck up.” Isak retorted, snorting.

“This means more girls for us!”

“If you up your game, loser.”

“Guys, someone’s elbow is dangerously close to my crotch!” Mahdi wailed, attempting to untangle his limbs.

“That ain’t my elbow.” Jonas teased.

“Oh my God! Okay, everyone up!” Isak yelled, trying to stop laughing. Maybe he was drunker than he realized.

By the time he got to his feet Magnus was cracking more jokes, and everyone else seemed to have left the apartment. Except for Even and Sonja, who had linked arms, and were waiting patiently with dopey smiles on their faces.

“That was adorable.” Sonja giggled. “I wish you could have seen that, Evy.”

“Me too.” Even chuckled.

Isak, Mahdi, Jonas and Magnus all looked at each other and blushed. Isak cleared his throat, unsure of what to say next.

“So, shall we? Hopefully there is a still a cab waiting.” Jonas spoke up.

“I made sure one is waiting for us.” Sonja said, trying to steer Even towards the door. “Let’s go before it’s too late.”

Mahdi and Magnus headed after them and put their shoes on. Isak was about to follow but then he realized how messy his apartment was, and the neat freak in him – which yes, there was a part of him that liked to be tidy – really wanted to stay and clean up a bit first.

“Um, I think I’ll meet you guys there. I’ll take my bike.” Isak said, leaning against the doorway. Everyone turned and looked at him.

“What?”

“Why?”

“Dude!”

His friends spoke all at once and then broke out into another fit of laughter. Isak rolled his eyes fondly at them before explaining. “I’m going to clean up a bit.”

Sonja scoffed. “You can do it later.”

“I want to get it over with now. Seriously, it’ll just take fifteen minutes.”

“I’ll stay with you and help.” Even offered, letting go of Sonja and reaching for Isak; taking his hands and pecking him on the cheek once he was close enough.

Jonas smiled at the affectionate gesture and Magnus gave a thumbs up. Isak flushed hard and looked down at the floor.

“Okay. See you in a bit?” Sonja asked.

“Sure.” Even replied, linking his right hand with Isak’s left.

_Is this what happiness feels like?_

Sonja and the boys shuffled out the door, waving back at Isak and Even. Once the door was closed behind them, everything was silent and Isak took a deep breath.

A lot had just happened but everything felt…all right.

Isak could hardly believe it.

“I’m proud of you, Isak.” Even said, gripping Isak’s hand a little tighter.

Isak frowned a little. “Why?”

“For…kissing me in front of everyone, and for being honest with Emma. It must have been scary, but you _did it._ How does it feel?”

Isak smiled, knowing his answer immediately. “Amazing.”

**

“I feel like swimming.” Even said, raising his voice a little so Isak could hear him over the wind. Isak frowned as he steered his bike, feeling the warmth of Even’s hands on his waist where he sat behind Isak.

“ _What?!”_

He felt Even chuckle as he pulled himself a bit closer to Isak; held onto his hips just a little tighter, stroking the exposed skin where Isak’s shirt was riding up.

“I feel like swimming!” He repeated, but that still didn’t clear anything up.

“What are you talking about? We’re going to meet people!”

“Do you really want to go?” Even inquired, a cheekiness to his tone.

Isak considered. “Well, no. But I thought you did.”

“I just want to be with _you.”_

“And go _swimming?”_ Isak asked skeptically.

“Precisely.”

“It’s like, nine o’clock at night. Where the hell are we going to go swimming?” Isak implored, still pedalling.

“I know a place.”

**

“I am not, under any condition, breaking into someone’s house!”

“Would you just _chill?_ It’s my aunt’s place.” Even stated, fiddling around with a latch on the window as he knelt in front of it.

“Then why don’t you have a key to the front door?”

Even studiously avoided the question and that just made Isak all the more suspicious. But then Even got the window open and he smiled up at Isak like he was very proud of himself.

“Can you go first and help me in?”

Isak considered another moment, looking around anxiously. But nobody was around. Nobody cared what they were up to. So he rolled his eyes exasperatedly and then walked over to the open window.

“If we get arrested, I’m blaming this all on you.”

“Noted.” Even smirked, shaking his head as Isak pushed himself through the window. The angle was awkward and he nearly hit his head but he got himself inside, turning around to help Even who was already sitting down; his feet dangling against the wall.

He looked excited and Isak couldn’t help but smile at how cute he was.

Once Even was inside, Isak guided him to the edge of the pool and Even knelt down to feel the water. “It’s nice and warm.”

Isak footed his shoes off and then hesitated. Should he take off anything else? Was Even expecting him to go in bare-ass naked, or…?

“What’s wrong?” Even asked, in-tune as ever to Isak’s internal dilemmas.

“Um…” Isak stuttered. “Are we going in with our clothes on?”

Even took his shoes off as well and was smiling, but he didn’t reply. Isak raised his eyebrows, waiting for an answer to his question.

“Even, what…”

But Isak didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence. Next thing he knew, Even grabbed onto his left arm and pushed him into the water; effectively getting water straight up Isak’s nose. He came to the surface sputtering.

“What. The. Fuck?!”

Isak tried to get the chlorine out of his eyes as he heard Even laughing, the sound echoing off the basement walls. Isak spared a second to wonder just why someone would have a fucking pool in their basement before he managed to open his eyes again, coughing out a lungful of water.

Isak saw that Even was in the pool too, but only his bottom half. The water came up to just below his belly button. His hair was still dry and he…still had his sunglasses on.

Oh.

“Isak?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you forgive me?” Even asked, an earnestness to his voice that made Isak falter.

“For…for what?”

“For pushing you into the pool.”

Isak laughed breathlessly. “Yeah. I forgive you.”

“Okay, that’s good because I need to ask you another favour and people who are angry at me tend to not want to do me any favours.” Even said, paddling his way over to Isak; into the middle of the oddly shaped pool.

“What’s the favour?”

Even came close to Isak, touching him under the water on his hips, sinking down lower into the water until his shoulders were covered.

“I want you to close your eyes, hold your breath and go under with me at the same time. When you’re under the water, open your eyes.”

Isak’s breathing suddenly became uneven.

“What will happen when I open them?”

Even smiled a little, but his lips shook. “I guess you’ll see, won’t you?”

Isak put his hands on Even’s elbows, pulling him forward. Isak placed a small, wet kiss on Even’s dry cheek and then nodded so Even could feel it.

“I’m ready.”

“Me too. Close your eyes.”

Isak did.

“On the count of three, okay? One…two…”

“Three.” They said together, pulling each other down until their heads were underwater.

Isak immediately opened his eyes like Even had asked. He could see Even, his eyes burning a little bit in the chlorine, and Even was reaching up to his face.

Isak only had a second to prepare himself before he realized that Even was taking his sunglasses off. He was taking them off so Isak could see his face.

His entire face.

Even let go of his sunglasses and they slowly started floating up to the surface. His face was pointed in Isak’s general direction and he looked so scared. He looked so vulnerable and open. And it was all for Isak.

Isak could finally see the long scar that ran across Even’s eyebrows in its entirely. Part of the scar was always hidden by Even’s sunglasses. It looked deep. It looked like someone had taken a knife and dragged it across Even’s skin. Isak could also see that the rough, raised and red skin that he’d felt and partially seen was all around Even’s eyes, especially his left eye.

And Even’s eyes, real or implants – Isak didn’t know - were striking. A very passionate blue that Isak could see even under the water.

_You’re beautiful._

Isak moved closer to Even, knowing they both needed to breathe soon. He also knew exactly what he wanted to do.

He moved in until he placed a kiss on Even’s mouth, startling Even a little, and he held it in place as they simultaneously rose to the surface.

They both sucked in huge breaths and Isak blinked his eyes a few times, trying to get the water out. When he could see properly again, he put his arms around Even’s shoulders and nuzzled his cheek with his nose.

“Thank you. Thank you.” He whispered, kissing Even’s jaw.

The tip of his nose.

The skin under his ears.

And finally… _finally…_ his eyes. The skin all around his eyes, his eyebrows…the scar. Isak kissed it all, tenderly and slowly, trying not to miss any skin.

It took a moment to realize that Even was crying, the tears blending in with the water still streaming down his face.

Isak kissed the tears too, tasting the combination of salt and chlorine.

“You’re beautiful, Even.” Isak said, wanting to say what he was thinking because it was so fucking true. “You’re _beautiful.”_

Even clung to Isak’s back as Isak touched him, his hands curled up into fists. But when Isak said those words, Even’s hands relaxed. His whole body relaxed and he sagged a little into Isak, burying his face in the crook of Isak’s neck.

Isak held onto Even for a few moments before Even moved his face back up, searching out for Isak. He grabbed a hold of Isak’s face and then they were kissing again, open mouthed and hungry.

Isak didn’t realize that Even was slowly backing him up until Isak felt the back of the pool, Even’s weight shifting forward into Isak. He moaned a little at the friction.

Isak’s head was spinning at the change of pace, and he was really getting into it, when he heard footsteps near the pool. His heart leaped into his throat and his eyes flew open.

A young girl, who looked maybe nine, was standing above them and watching them.

Isak raised his eyebrows, not knowing what to do; so fucking frozen where he and Even were standing in the water.

Maybe this was Even’s cousin? He _had_ said this was his aunt’s house.

The little girl frowned, taking in a huge breath before she screamed, “Mamma!” at the top of her lungs.

_Shit._ Maybe not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments always welcome and appreciated! <3


	12. See Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was originally going to try and make this chapter into two separate chapters, because quite a lot happens. But in the editing process I decided to put them together into one! 
> 
> Thank you guys again for ALL the love this story has received. I am absolutely blown away by it. <3

_“Mamma, I’m sorry. I can’t stay here anymore.” Isak wailed, trying to not let the tears fall down his face._

_His mother clung to him, trying to pull him back inside the house._

_“Isak, don’t leave! I have nothing left!”_

_Isak tried to wrench out of her hold, but she was surprisingly strong. He dropped his suitcase that he was holding and turned to face her, letting her pull him into her body. She hugged him so tightly that he feared his ribs would bruise._

_He was going to suffocate._

_“I’ll take my meds. I’ll do better. Please, Isak. Please.” Marianne wailed._

_Isak couldn’t reach up to hug her back. He couldn’t comfort her anymore. Weeks and weeks he’d spent in this house alone, trying to bring her back._

_But she was gone._

_“Mamma, I’m leaving.”_

_“No, no, no, no.” She whispered, shaking her head._

_Isak forcefully pushed her hands off of him and he took a step back, not wanting to be here anymore. He couldn’t do this alone. He couldn’t…deteriorate here with her. He didn’t want to become her._

_“Let me go.”_

_“Isak, you’re the one letting me go.” Marianne said, her eyes void; her face pale. She reached out for him again, but he flinched away and turned around, heading for the front door with his suitcase._

_He made it this time and walked out into the rain. Of course it was raining, how fitting. He walked and walked and walked, lugging everything he owned in the suitcase behind him._

_Forgive me, he thought. Please forgive me, Mamma._

**

Isak awoke with a start, blinking his eyes up at an unfamiliar ceiling. He was disoriented for a second, panic soaring through his blood, when suddenly a face appeared in his line of sight and a hand stroked his cheek.

Even.

“Isak, breathe. You had a nightmare. It’s okay.”

Isak was aware of how fast he was breathing, and he tried to slow it down. But it felt like his lungs were burning. He was also sweating profusely through the t-shirt and pajama pants Even had lent him.

“I’m here. I’m here with you, Isak. Just try and relax. Whatever you were dreaming about wasn’t real.” Even whispered.

Isak closed his eyes, feeling sick.

Even probably thought Isak had been dreaming about monsters or haunted houses; things straight out of a horror movie.

But Isak’s nightmare – his _reoccurring_ nightmare – was very much a real thing that happened. But it had been sunny that day in real life; the day he’d left his mother’s house.

It was always raining in his dream for some reason.

“I’m okay. Sorry if I woke you up.” Isak finally said.

“It’s okay. Come here.” Even replied, rolling onto his back and opening his arms up for Isak.

Isak was about to go into the safety of Even’s arms, but he realized again how sweaty he was. He sat up and sighed, rubbing his hands over his face.

“Can I just…change my shirt first? I sweat right through it.”

“Oh, sure. Top drawer is where I keep my t-shirts.” Even said, motioning over in the direction of his dresser. Isak nodded and stood up, pulling the wet shirt over his head. He felt a chill run over his bare skin and he shivered.

He didn’t want this to happen when he was at Even’s house. Not after they’d had such an amazing night together. So much had happened.

Isak had told his friends.

Even had shown Isak his face.

They got chased out of the person’s house by an angry lady with a bat, but that part wasn’t the focus of Isak’s night. The focus of the night had been Even; the focus had been _them_ and the little world they had begun to create together.

Isak didn’t want to be thinking about his mother and what happened to her right now of all times. But after these nightmares, Isak often couldn’t go back to sleep. He usually needed to stay awake and distract his brain; play video games or watch a movie or just…something to get his mind off of the guilt that weighed him down.

He felt so fucking guilty.

“Isak?”

Isak blinked his eyes and realized with a jolt that he’d been standing in front of Even’s dresser, arms crossed in front of his bare chest, unable to move. Unable to do anything except _feel_ the nightmare, relive the image of his mother’s face begging him not to leave her.

He was stuck.

“Isak, hey.” Even whispered, his voice suddenly much closer than before. And then his arms snaked around to hold him across his middle and Even pulled Isak back into his chest. “What’s the matter? You’re freezing.”

Isak let the feel of Even’s skin wash over, still bed-warm, and he tried to speak. He tried to say that he was okay, that they could go back to bed, but his mouth wouldn’t fucking open. He couldn’t get the words out.

Even seemed to understand that Isak couldn’t speak, so instead he reached ahead and opened the drawer, pulling out another t-shirt for Isak. He helped put it over Isak’s head and put his arms through before he instantly pulled Isak back into the circle of his arms.

“Come here. Let’s lie down.”

Before Isak knew what was happening he was back on Even’s bed and facing Even, arms wrapped around the taller boy’s shoulders. Even stroked his hands down Isak’s back and was telling him over and over that he was okay; he was fine, Even was _here._

“You’re here.” Isak managed to whisper after a few moments, trying to tell himself more than anything. He was safe. He had Even.

“Yes, Isak. I’m here.”

Eventually, Isak managed to let the dream go. He had no idea how long he stayed in Even’s arms, but finally, after what felt like years he felt somewhat normal again. The dream faded away and became hazy around the edges.

The birds had begun chirping outside and Isak guessed it was near dawn. He titled his head up to see if Even was asleep, but he was still awake and his head was pointed down in the direction of Isak’s face.

Isak loved being able to look at Even’s whole face; the bare, delicate skin and his soft features.

“What were you dreaming about?” Even asked softly.

Isak considered lying. He’d say, _a demon,_ or maybe, _I felt like I was stuck in a burning building._ Something to convey the feeling of horror that always spiked his heartrate when he remembered that he’d abandoned her…his own mother. His own family. He’d walked out.

“ _You’re just like him, Isak! You’re just like your father!”_

The last words his mother said to him in person never made it into his dream. He always woke up before he could hear them again, but they would ring in his ears anyway as he woke up; as he tried desperately to forget.

“My mother.” Isak decided to say, not wanting to lie to Even. Not after tonight when honesty had made Isak’s heart sing.

“What was happening to her in your dream?”

Isak gulped. “I…often dream about the last time I saw her. We didn’t really leave things on good terms.”

Maybe going into all the details wasn’t something Isak was ready for just yet, but he could at least give Even this. He felt Even pull him even closer and he placed a kiss on Isak’s forehead.

“I’m sorry.”

“I just want the nightmare to stop. I don’t want to keep reliving it. It makes me feel all fucked up.” Isak admitted. “It makes me feel like everything was my fault and now…I don’t know…my conscience is trying to slap me in the face when I dream.”

“I’m sure it wasn’t all your fault, Isak. There are two sides to everything. Try and remember that. Maybe that will help keep your conscience at bay.” Even said, a hint of a smile in his tone.

“I guess I can try.” Isak thought.

“Are you feeling a bit better?” Even pondered, kissing Isak softly on his temple; his own eyes closed.

“Yes. Thank you for waking up with me.”

Even smiled, searching for Isak’s lips this time.

Isak kissed him once, then smiled, and came back for a second and third kiss.

“Anything for you.”

**

The next time Isak opened his eyes, Even’s room was filled with sunlight and Isak noticed the smell of coffee right away.

His mouth watered as he sat up, looking over to the other side of the bed. It was empty. How long had Even been awake? Or a better question, how long had Isak been asleep?

Isak blearily stood up and cast a look at himself in Even’s mirror that was over his dresser. Isak’s hair was doing something insane and he patted it down the best he could, wiping the sleepiness from his eyes.

Isak imagined he was about to see Even’s mother again and he wanted to be presentable. She hadn’t been awake when Even and Isak snuck in last night, soaking wet and trying not to giggle too loudly. But she would be awake now, considering it was approaching eleven.

Isak was just about to open the door and seek out a huge cup of coffee, when a picture sitting on Even’s bookshelf caught his attention.

Isak hadn’t really taken a good look around Even’s room. The last time he’d been here he had mostly been high and sitting on Even’s floor, too nervous about what was happening between them to really give a second glance to anything in Even’s room.

And last night they had gotten changed into dry clothes and hopped into bed straight away, turning the lights off and staying awake talking for quite some time before they fell asleep, wrapped around each other.

“Who the hell actually lived in that house?” Isak had asked.

“Some girl I went to elementary school with.” Even shrugged, like it was no big deal that they’d basically broken into a stranger’s house.

“And you thought it would be totally fine to just…take a swim?”

“Pretty much.” Even smirked, looking too fucking pleased with himself.

“You’re crazy.”

“I know. Want to watch a movie?”

“Um…yeah.” Isak said, hating the pause in his voice.

Even, of course, noticed. “We don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“I _do._ I just…wondered I guess about how the experience of watching movies is for you. Is it still enjoyable even though you can’t see it?” Isak asked, deciding to just go for it.

Even had showed Isak his face tonight, so Isak thought it was all right to assume that Even wouldn’t mind talking about something like this.

And he didn’t. Even smiled a dopey smile before he said, “I have always loved films. They are still one of my favourite things. Going blind hasn’t taken that away from me.”

Isak loved this boy’s smile.

_I could look at you all day._

Isak took Even’s hand. “I’m glad.”

Even put on a movie called Romeo and Juliet, and Isak realized it was directed by Baz Luhrmann, the guy Even had said was his favourite director. Isak remembered hearing him say that in the video Isak had watched a few – _dozen -_ times that was posted by Even’s friend Mikael.

Isak had enjoyed the film and Even talked all the way through it about his favourite parts, including the scene where Romeo and Juliet fall into the pool and kiss underwater.

It took a few moments for Isak to realize that they had done something similar tonight; being cheesy and kissing in a pool underwater. Isak wondered if Even had wanted to recreate this scene or if it just happened that way.

If it was planned though, Even was officially the biggest dork on earth.

Isak smiled as he remembered their night and walked over to where the picture was sitting – the one that had caught his attenion. As he got closer, he recognized Even immediately. But in the picture, Even was a lot younger.

And he didn’t have a scar on his face, or the redness of his skin around his eyes. This must have been taken before he went blind.

Before the accident that Isak still didn’t know the details of.

_Some day,_ Even had said. _Someday I’ll tell you._

Even had his arm wrapped around another boy and they were smiling into the camera, looking happy in the sunshine. They were near a lake and a cabin so Isak assumed it was summertime in the picture.

Isak frowned as he examined it, the other boy also looking familiar. He picked up the frame and brought it closer to his face, squinting.

It was Mikael. The friend from the video. He also had his arm around Even’s shoulders and they looked like they were maybe eleven or twelve years old.

Isak hadn’t realized they had been friends for so long. Were they still friends now?

Was _Mikael_ the one at school who…?

“Good morning.” A voice came from behind Isak, startling him and nearly making him drop the picture. He whirled around and saw Even’s brother standing in the doorway, a big smile on his face, and his top hat on his head.

“Morning. Einar, right?” Isak asked, putting the photo down and walking towards the young boy.

“Yep! That’s me. Are you ready to learn about Abraham Lincoln?”

Isak laughed a little and placed a hand on the very top of the top hat. “Sure, buddy.”

“Awesome! Even’s making breakfast. C’mon.” Einar exclaimed, grabbing Isak’s hand and pulling him down the hallway. He turned a corner at the end, nearly making Isak stumble, and then suddenly Isak was standing in the kitchen, staring right at Even and his mom.

“Isak said he wants to learn about Abraham Lincoln!” Einar said, letting Isak go and throwing his arms around Even’s waist instead.

Even was stirring something in a frying pan, and he laughed as Einar held onto him. “Let’s eat our eggs first though, okay? And watch your hands. Don’t get too close to the burner.”

“I’m not a baby, Ev!” Einar implored, letting him go and walking over to the kitchen table where Even’s mother was sitting. “Come and sit with me, Isak!”

Isak smiled and did as he was asked, sitting right next to Einar at the small, square table. He glanced at Even’s mother who was looking at her younger son fondly.

“I’m glad to see you again, Isak.”

“You too.” Isak replied.

“And I don’t get a good morning?” Even asked, turning in the direction of the kitchen table. “I’m hurt, Isak. Truly.”

Isak shook his head at Even’s sassiness and was about to retort but then he realized something as he gazed over at his boyfriend.

_Heh. His boyfriend. What an awesome world._

Even wasn’t wearing his sunglasses.

Every time Isak had seen Even during the day, Even always had his sunglasses on. At school. At Isak’s apartment. Here at his home. But now, as he crossed the small kitchen and sought something in the fridge, his face was open.

He was comfortable letting himself do this when Isak was here, and somehow that felt _huge_ to Isak. It felt like he had done something majorly right to earn Even’s trust this way, and he wasn’t about to take that for granted.

“I got distracted by Einar’s top hat. He’s much cuter than you, after all.” Isak finally said, reaching over and tickling Einar’s sides.

“Well, can’t argue with you there.” Even nodded. “Mamma, do you want something with your eggs? Toast?”

Astrid looked up from where she had been reading her book. “Um, no thanks honey. Eggs are fine.”

“Isak? Do you want toast with your eggs?” Even asked as he brought the frying pan over to the four plates set out on the table.

He started serving the eggs and Isak gaped, kind of fascinated. Even knew exactly where things were in his home and he had no trouble doing things that Isak had imagined would be insanely hard to do for someone who was blind.

“Isak?”

“What? Oh, um. No. No, I’m fine with just eggs.” Isak stammered, feeling stupid.

“He wants to know how you can cook when you can’t see. Right?” Einar blurted out, taking a huge bite of his eggs.

Isak blushed at Einar’s bluntness but Even just laughed.

“I took some classes after my accident.” Even explained, putting the frying pan back down on the stove and then joining Isak and his family at the table.

“Oh. That’s good.”

“Hey! What about my toast?” Einar asked, his mouth full of eggs.

Astrid shook her head at Einar, chewing her own eggs. “You should have asked earlier, Einar. But if you want toast you know where the toaster is.”

Einar pouted but didn’t say anything else. Isak couldn’t keep the smile off his face because this kid was adorable and he was so fucking happy he got to do this with Even’s family. He didn’t think he’d get to, especially the last time he was here.

“So, do you live at home still Isak?” Astrid pondered casually.

“And are you my brother’s boyfriend?” Einar added, raising his eyebrows.

Isak tried not to choke on his eggs but he was unsuccessful.

_Wow._

Even reached over and patted him on the back while Isak tried to catch his breath. Astrid and Einar were looking at him expectantly when he was done coughing.

“Is this an interview or something?” Even smirked, bringing his coffee cup up to his mouth.

“Can’t I get to know him?” Astrid shot back, a similar smirk playing on her lips as well.

“Um, no. I don’t live at home anymore.” Isak spoke up, looking at Astrid. He then turned to Einar. “And, yes to your question.”

“You’re dating my brother?”

Even laughed. “Yes, Einar. Isak is my boyfriend.”

“So you, kiss and stuff?”

Isak had never blushed harder in his life.

“Yes, little man. Now finish your breakfast.” Even instructed.

“It’s closer to lunch than breakfast so this is brunch, Evy. Silly.” Einar said matter-of-factly, shoving the last bite of eggs into his mouth.

“Do you live with roommates then, Isak?” Astrid asked.

“Yeah. Moved in with them recently, actually. Over the summer.”

“How grown up.” Astrid smiled, patting Isak’s hand.

_What a Mom thing to say._

He studiously did not think of his own mother or what she would have said to finding out Isak had a boyfriend or that he lived with roommates; one very gay roommate to be exact.

It occurred to Isak as well that Astrid didn’t seem surprised by the news that Isak and Even were dating. Even must have told her, and she must be completely fine with her son’s sexuality which absolutely baffled Isak. How could she be so calm? Where were all the arguments, the fighting, the blame?

Isak felt a warmth in his chest as he realized that there didn’t seem to be any room in this household for such things.

“So, Abraham Lincoln was the 16th president of the United States and he did a lot of cool stuff, including wearing a hat like this. Did you know that people used to wear hats like this all the time? Weird. Mom says I can’t wear this to school but I really want to. I also want a pocket watch.” Einar said, the words coming out jumbled.

Isak burst out laughing. This kid was fucking _great._

**

Even managed to get Isak back into his room alone by promising Einar that they would play an epic game of hide and seek later on.

“Your brother is hilarious.” Isak commented, sitting back down on Even’s bed.

“I love him so ridiculously much.” Even said, sitting next to Isak and kissing him on the cheek briefly.

Isak had made a mental note to ask his father if he could see Lea soon. Maybe he and Even could take Lea and Einar to the park or somewhere else exciting. The idea of it was making Isak’s head feel all floaty. Dreamy.

Just because Isak wasn’t on the best of terms with his father didn’t mean he shouldn’t be allowed to have a relationship with his sister. Lea deserved more than to have Isak ignore her.

As they sat there together, hands entwined, Isak looked over at the bookshelf and remembered the picture he was looking at earlier.

Mikael.

Isak hoped that he hadn’t been the one to come to school and push Even because they had seemed like really good friends from what Isak gathered from the video.

_Best buddy._

And maybe it wasn’t Isak’s place to ask, but he was still worried about what happened that day.

“Even?”

“Yeah?”

Isak gulped. “I saw a picture on your bookshelf. Of you and another boy.”

Even’s mouth fell shut and he closed his eyes softly, not saying anything.

Isak decided to continue. “He isn’t…the one who pushed you, is he?”

“No.” Even said, his eyes opening again.

_Blue as the ocean in the sunlight._

“Okay.”

It was another few minutes before either of them spoke. Isak felt like he shouldn’t ask anything else because it seemed like Even didn’t want to explain. But then…

“The boy in the picture.” Even began. “His name is Mikael. He was…my best friend since we were really little. He went to Bakka with me.”

“Oh. Are you still friends?”

Even stood up and walked over to his bedroom window, his face turned as if gazing out into the view he could not see. “No. We aren’t.”

_Why do you still have the picture then?_

“I’m sorry.”

“I…reached out to him, after a while of not speaking.” Even said, punching the words out like they were hard to say. “I texted him a few weeks ago. When you and I met.”

Isak stood up too, walking slowly over to where Even was standing.

“Can I ask why?”

Isak saw Even’s shoulders move as he took in a huge breath.

“I told him that I’d met someone. That I really liked you. I thought he would want to know. I thought…if he knew…if he knew that I was interested in someone…that maybe we could be friends again.”

Isak placed a small kiss between Even’s shoulder blades when he got close enough.

_I’m here._

“I wanted him to know…that when I told him I loved him, a long time ago, I didn’t really know what love was. I didn’t really _understand_ what it meant.”

Isak froze. Even had loved…Mikael?

“He stuck by me when I went blind. He stood up for me when people bullied me. He stood up for me when I wanted to give up and just be home schooled. He came with me to all my appointments, was the first person I felt after surgery. He helped me with my burns…he wrapped my face for me every day until the healing was done.”

_Burns._

Even was shaking hard now.

“Even, you don’t have to…” _tell me._

“I do, Isak. I… _want_ to.”

Isak wrapped his arms around Even’s waist this time and held on; nodding into the taller boy’s frame, telling him silently to continue.

“He became…my whole world. The only person I felt I could trust. And when my dad left…” Even shuddered. “Mikael spent weeks here telling me that it wasn’t my fault. That my father not being able to cope with having a blind son wasn’t _my fault._ He got me through a lot of shit, and I…clung to him. He was like my lifeline.”

Even breathed deeply for a few seconds.

“I thought I loved him. I thought…maybe he loved me too. But I didn’t want to ruin it. I didn’t want our friendship to end if I was wrong. But last year…”

Isak held his breath.

“Last year I kissed him. Just a peck on the lips. And he…shoved me. Told me I was sick. Told me he didn’t want anything to do with me.”

Isak wanted to cry.

“He told me to stay away. Never contact him again. And I hadn’t. Until a few weeks ago.” Even whispered.

“Even, God…I’m so fucking sorry.” Isak said, squeezing Even tight in his arms.

“I thought if he knew I liked someone else we could get past this. I just…I miss having him as my friend. I miss what we meant to each other, you know? We used to go to a cabin every summer together with our families. We used to all be really close.”

Isak didn’t want to cross a line, but he knew what he wanted to say next.

“He doesn’t deserve you, Even. If he can throw away all those years of friendship just because of that…he doesn’t deserve to have you in his life.”

Isak wondered what Jonas would have done if he had told him…if he’d tried to kiss him like he had imagined doing hundreds of times. Would he have pushed Isak away?

Isak knew Jonas never would have called him sick, or wrong in the head. Isak imagined they could have gotten past it eventually. It might have been awkward, but they would have been able to still be friends. Right?

Even and Mikael were clearly another story.

“I thought the same thing. I thought…how could he just exile me from his life after everything he did for me? All those years. He took such _good care_ of me after my accident.”

Isak just held onto Even, letting him talk, letting him feel whatever emotions he was feeling. Isak wanted to protect Even from the pain of it all, of losing his best friend, but he knew he couldn’t.

All he could do was _be_ here.

“I wonder sometimes…if maybe he stuck by me out of guilt.” Even said, the words hardly audible. “I don’t know if we’d have been friends after elementary school if he hadn’t felt so guilty.”

_Guilt?_

“Why would he feel guilty?” Isak asked.

Even turned around in Isak’s arms quite suddenly and he brought his own hands up to touch Isak’s face. Isak was startled for a moment, not knowing what to do. He didn’t know if Even was going to hug him or kiss him or…

But then Even said, “See me. See me here.”

He brought Isak’s hands up to his face and Isak traced the scar with his fingertips, _saw_ it with his hands and his eyes for the first time together.

“Would you feel badly if this was your fault?”

Isak frowned, his hands stopping. “W-what?”

“If you knew that you caused this, would you feel bad? Would it eat you up inside?”

_Oh no. The accident._

“Yes.”

Even nodded, bowing his head as if to look at the ground.

“It ate Mikael up inside too. Because it was his fault.”

“His fault.” Isak repeated.

“Yes.” Even said. “It’s Mikael’s fault that I’m blind.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know we still don't know who came to the school and shoved Even - this was intentional. And there are still a lot of things to be discussed. That is coming, I promise <3 
> 
> As always, comments always welcome and appreciated! 
> 
> Big thanks to Tulipps who showed me this website: www.blindeforbundet.no about the Norwegian Association for the Blind. There is some awesome info on there if anyone would like to check it out! (This is in reference to how Even can cook :P) 
> 
> Also, if you all would like a chapter or two dedicated to Even's POV please let me know your thoughts. I planned to have at least one chapter in his POV solely, but I want to know what you all think. Thank you! xo


	13. Don't Stop Loving Me

Isak didn’t know what to do with this information, this trust that Even had suddenly put in him. He had just revealed something huge to Isak and Isak…wanted to ask more questions. He wanted to know the details.

He wanted to know _how_ Mikael was responsible for Even’s blindness.

What kind of accident had it been?

How had Even been burned?

“I’m sorry.” Even said, shaking out of Isak’s hold and walking away from the window. He made his way over to his desk and sat down at his chair, putting his head in his hands.

“Don’t be sorry, Even.” Isak stated, the words squeaky.

“That was _way_ too much shit to throw at you, fuck.”

“No, it’s _okay._ Anything you want to tell me is okay. I just hope I didn’t make you say more than you wanted.”

“How would you have done that?”

Isak sat back down on the bed, facing Even. “I asked about the picture. I asked about who the boy was and it lead into the other stuff.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Isak.” Even said, and Isak could tell that Even really meant it. He felt relieved.

“Okay. I just haven’t been able to stop thinking about the guy who was at school. I don’t have a clue who he is and I saw the picture on your shelf and I…I thought maybe it was him.” Isak admitted, once again feeling like it was better to be honest. “I’ve been worried about you. I can’t stand the idea of someone hurting you, Even. You don’t deserve it.”

Even smiled in Isak’s direction. “Thank you. I don’t mean to make you worry, though. The boy…he wouldn’t actually hurt me. I don’t think so anyway. He’s just protective.”

Again, Isak wanted to ask. He wanted to fill in the gaps. But he didn’t want to push too far. Even had already revealed so much and he was clearly thinking he maybe shouldn’t have.

There was a loud knock on Even’s door and that pretty much put an end to Isak’s predicament.

“Who is it?” Even called.

“Einar! I want to play now.” The little boy’s voice screeched, making both Isak and Even giggle.

“Okay. Go hide and we will try and find you!” Even shouted through the door.

“Isak has to hide too! You have to come and find us both, Evy!”

Even sighed, standing up. Isak stood as well and walked over to Even, placing a hand on his arm. He was suddenly grateful for the lighter atmosphere.

“Do you mind hiding?” Even smirked, moving forward for a kiss. Isak met him halfway, his lips a bit more open than he’d intended and it punched a moan out of Even.

“What will my reward be if I do?” Isak teased.

Even looked like he was considering. He moved until his mouth was next to Isak’s ear and then he said quietly, “I’ll find somewhere new to kiss you. Somewhere my mouth hasn’t been before.”

_Jesus Christ._

Not fair.

Isak willed his body to stay calm but he groaned in frustration because _seriously?_ How was he expected to play hide and seek now?

“I’m going to hide now! Isak, come out and play please!” Einar called, his voice rather polite and it made Isak smile.

“Okay, I’m coming!” Isak hollered, placing one last peck on Even’s lips. “Count to twenty.”

He dashed out the door, hoping Astrid wouldn’t mind her closet being invaded.

**

It was mid-afternoon before Einar decided he was done playing, and Isak found himself slumped on the couch in Even’s living room, sweaty and utterly tired.

The boy seemed to have limitless energy.

Even as well. Guess it ran in the family.

“Did he wear you out?” Astrid asked, walking towards the front door.

_Which one?_

“I think so.” Isak laughed, imagining that she meant Einar. He put a hand on his chest and tried to catch his breath. Even came around the corner and sat down beside Isak, flashing a huge smile.

“The boy sure knows how to play. All right, well I’m off Even. You’re watching Einar until I’m done my shift.” Astrid said, grabbing her purse and her keys.

“I know, Mom.” Even said kindly.

“I hope to see you again soon, Isak. You’re always welcome.” Astrid smiled, walking over and kissing Even on the cheek first and then Isak.

Isak felt his whole chest swell as he smiled at Astrid.

“Thank you.”

Isak leaned his weight against Even and sighed, closing his eyes. He would definitely be up for a nap now. Or…the thing that Even promised he would get as his reward.

Even stroked a hand through Isak’s hair absentmindedly and he hummed.

_I could get used to this._

“So, are you up for…” Even began, but then he was interrupted by his phone.

_Worst timing ever, Siri._

“ _One new message from Sonja.”_

Even chuckled as he pulled out his phone. “Sorry.”

“That’s okay.”

Even clicked through his phone until he found his message from his friend and it began to read it out loud.

“ _Even, what the hell? Why didn’t you show up last night? I’m assuming Isak is with you because he isn’t answering his friends’ messages either. Call me when you get this. I need to talk to you about some other stuff, stupid head. Love you. Purple heart emoji._

_End of message.”_

“Wow. A _purple_ heart emoji. She means business.” Isak teased, sitting up and facing Even properly.

“She alternates heart colours every week usually.” Even said nonchalantly. Isak smiled.

“I guess I should message my friends back too and let them know I’m alive.” He said, imagining worried messages from Jonas and probably ‘congrats on getting laid’ messages from Magnus. “I’ll just go grab my phone from your room.”

“Okay. I’m going to call Sonja quick. She’s been having boy trouble.” Even said, clicking through his phone again until it read out ‘ _Call Sonja.’_

“Good luck with that.”

“It’s standard best friend duties.” Even shrugged.

Isak tip-toed upstairs quietly because after they had been done playing, Even insisted that Einar try and take a nap. He protested of course, but eventually agreed as long as he got a peanut butter sandwich for dinner.

The kid loved to make deals with his brother, Isak was coming to learn.

Isak walked into Even’s room and found his phone on the bedside table. He plugged it in because it had died sometime in the night. When it had charged slightly he turned it on to look at his messages.

His eyes widened.

16 missed calls.

25 new messages.

A lot of them were drunk texts from Magnus and Jonas. Mostly a lot of misspelled words asking where Isak was and if he was getting any action. He rolled his eyes, flipping to the newest message from this morning from Jonas.

Jonas (10:32): _Hey man. Just checking in. You all good? Sorry you didn’t make it last night. Even’s friend Sonja is cool though. She single? :P_

Ha. Good luck with that, Isak thought.

Isak (15:09): _Hey. Phone died. I’m with Even. Don’t know about Sonja but I wouldn’t get your hopes up, dude._

Isak ignored most of Magnus’s messages because some of them asked how gay sex worked and Isak didn’t have the patience right now to call him a fucking idiot.

He was just about to close his phone and go back downstairs but then he saw that two of the twenty-five new messages were from his father. A feeling of dread pooled in Isak’s stomach as he clicked on the message.

Pappa (07:43): _Hi Isak. How have you been? I went by the house yesterday and things aren’t good. I do wish you would consider going back and living with Mamma. I hope you have been keeping up with your studies. Let’s have dinner soon. Lea misses you._

Isak gulped, feeling kind of sick. Things weren’t good? What did that mean?

Isak read the next message and felt even sicker. It was only sent three hours after the first message, earlier this morning.

Pappa (10:58): _Nancy called. She took your mother to the hospital about an hour ago. She was outside the house trying to harm herself. I’m here with her now. I’ve left Lea with a babysitter. Please call me when you get this._

Nancy was his mother’s neighbour. She was an elderly woman that Isak had known since childhood; since his family had moved in next door.

_A simpler time._

Isak pressed call on his phone, holding it up to his ear. He tried to calm his erratic heartbeat but without success.

“Isak?” His father answered after the third ring.

“Hello, Pappa.”

“I’m happy to hear from you. I’m still at the hospital.”

Isak closed his eyes, hearing the sounds of the busy hospital through the phone. Isak had always hated them; all the monitors and sanitized floors. It was all so clinical. It didn’t seem like a place for the living.  

“How is she?”

“Stable. But they had to sedate her pretty heavily I’m afraid.”

Isak stayed silent, imagining his mother passed out in a hospital bed; tied down to a table for ‘her own safety.’ It hadn’t been the first time.

“Would you go to my house and stay with Lea this evening? My babysitter needs to study for a test she has on Monday. I’d be really grateful, Isak. I’ll bring some pizza home later.” Terje asked, a desperation in his tone that made Isak sigh.

“Yeah, okay. I’ve been wanting to see Lea for a while.” Isak said, nodding.

_It’s for her, not you._

“Great. Thank you, Isak.”

Isak suddenly had a thought and he spoke before he had a chance to second guess himself.

“I’m going to bring the person I’m dating with me, though. His name is Even. That’s…a boy’s name.” Isak blurted out, feeling his face flush. “He has a young brother about Lea’s age. They can play or watch a movie.”

There was silence on the other end of the line for a long moment before he heard his father clear his throat.

“So, you’ve got a boyfriend?”

Isak tried not to hesitate or sound guilty; like he regretted being with Even. “Yes.”

“I’ll be happy to meet him, Isak. I’ll bring home enough pizza for him and his brother, okay? I have to go now. Talk later.” Terje said, half whispering; probably because he was in the hospital and was trying to be respectful.

Isak smiled. “Okay. Bye Pappa.”

As he pressed ‘end call’ on his phone, Isak tried to process what had just happened. His father had been so calm and so… _fine_ with the fact that Isak was dating a boy.

_Am I still dreaming?_

“Hey.”

Isak turned around and saw Even leaning against the doorway, arms crossed in front of his chest. He was smiling in Isak’s direction and Isak came over to him.

“Hey, yourself.”

“Who were you talking to?”

Isak reached up and hugged Even, burying his face into Even’s neck. “My dad.”

“Oh?” Even asked, rubbing a soothing hand across Isak’s arm.

Isak was feeling a lot of things right now. He was glad that his father wanted to meet Even and that he seemed completely okay with Isak’s sexuality. He was also excited to see Lea. But…then there was his mother.

And Isak hadn’t told Even anything about his mother yet. Not really.

Not the specifics.

“My mom,” Isak said. “She…”

“What’s up, baby? Is something wrong?” Even whispered, placing small kisses on Isak’s neck and jaw.

_Baby._

Isak shivered.

“She’s in the hospital.” Isak said breathlessly.

Even suddenly put his hands on Isak’s face, moving his fingers on Isak’s lips. “Is she okay? Are _you_ okay?”

Isak nodded. “I’m okay. This has happened before.”

“You can tell me about it if you want.”

Isak looked at Even, into his _eyes._ He took a moment to appreciate that; how comfortable Even was around Isak; his skin visible and exposed. Even had opened up to Isak about his life; his troubles. And Isak wasn’t running. Isak didn’t want to run.

Maybe Even wouldn’t run either.

“My mom…she sees things that aren’t real.” Isak began, holding onto Even; clutching his shirt. “We’ve been trying to get her diagnosed for a long time because when she sees things…she becomes hysterical. She thinks aliens are coming to kill her. Or that the world is ending. It’s awful to see.”

“Oh, Isak.”

“My dad…he tried to help her. He tried to get her committed a few times. But after Lea was born things got really bad and…my mom tried to hurt Lea when she was hallucinating. So my dad took Lea away.”

Even frowned, pulling away slightly from Isak. “But…he left you with your Mom?”

“Yes. It was supposed to be temporary. But…”

“Isak…I’m so sorry. You shouldn’t have had to go through that.”

“I tried. For a long time I tried to get her some help. But…I couldn’t do it on my own. I couldn’t stay there anymore. That’s when Eskild offered me a room at his place and I took it. I took the out.” Isak explained, his face heating up with shame.

“That’s okay, Isak. It’s okay that you left. You know that right?” Even asked, kissing Isak’s forehead.

Isak stayed quiet. He _didn’t_ know that. Maybe if he had been at home, his mother wouldn’t have gotten hurt again. Maybe he could have prevented that. His father clearly thought he should go back home, so that must mean something.

_It means he doesn’t want to take care of her. He’s tired of it._

_He wants to put it all on you so he doesn’t have to live with the guilt._

“I just can’t stand the idea of her being alone.” Isak admitted. “Everyone has left her. I think my dad is relying on me to…”

“That’s wrong of him.” Even interrupted. “I’m sorry to insult him, but he shouldn’t be telling his son who is still in school that he needs to take care of someone who is mentally ill without any help. That isn’t fair at all.”

Isak stared up at Even, swallowing hard.

“I suppose…” Isak trembled. “I suppose you’re right.”

Even kissed Isak again, softly on the lips and it made Isak’s head feel fuzzy. He didn’t think he’d ever get tired of kissing these lips because they were attached to Isak’s favourite person.

_Holy shit._

Even was Isak’s favourite person. The reality of it – the _truth –_ of that thought, slammed into Isak’s gut hard and he unintentionally flinched.

“Isak?”

Isak flew forward and kissed Even again, harder this time. Even kissed back, giving as good and he was getting and before long they were both panting.

“Even, I…” Isak sighed, pulling away. “You…you make me so happy. I want you to know that.”

Even traced Isak’s lips again, and Isak knew he could feel them turn up into a smile.

“I don’t have words for how happy _you_ make _me,_ Isak. You’re the best thing about my life.” Even whispered, and Isak saw his cheeks flame. “I know that’s so cheesy, and it hasn’t been that long…but I just…I’m falling for you so hard.”

_I didn’t know what love was…_

“Me too.”

**

It didn’t take much convincing for Even to come with Isak over to his father’s house. Einar agreed the moment Isak mentioned pizza. So all three of them walked to the tram, Einar holding Isak’s hand tightly.

“It’s like I have two brothers now.” Einar stated, looking between Isak and Even.

Even tapped his cane in front of him, still gazing forward, but Isak glanced over at him and saw him smiling. Isak flashed a grin at Einar.

“You’re right, buddy. Would you like that?”

“Yes. Even smiles at a lot when you’re here. That’s good. Mom always says she misses Even smiling, so if you make Evy smile, I want you as my brother too.”

Isak had never been so content in his life.

**

Part of Isak was scared that Lea would be angry with him. He hadn’t come around since he moved in with Eskild and he’d barely seen Lea more than twice since Terje had taken her out of their family home just after last Christmas.

Maybe she wouldn’t know Isak anymore.

Maybe she wouldn’t smile at him like she always used to; grabbing his cheeks and calling him ‘Issy’ like everyone who had known him for a long time did.

Maybe she wouldn’t want him around her at all.

So as Isak stood on the front steps of his father’s house, he was a ball of anxiety. He licked his lips, trying to muster up the courage to ring the doorbell.

“Isak, you okay?” Even asked, squeezing Isak’s hand reassuringly. Einar was still holding his other hand as well.

“Maybe he doesn’t know how to use the doorbell.” Einar pondered, and Isak laughed because Einar wasn’t even trying to be sarcastic. He didn’t know what sarcasm was yet, and already he was a master at it.

“I know how to use the doorbell, buddy.” Isak assured.

“Then ring it, silly.” Einar insisted, looking up at Isak with a confused look on his face.

“Yeah, _silly.”_ Even smirked, and Isak could tell he winked even though he had his sunglasses back on.

Isak smiled and reached up to ring the doorbell. His desire to see his sister outweighed his fear that she’d be upset seeing him, so he straightened his shoulders and waited for someone to answer the door.

_Please remember me._

_Don’t stop loving me._

As the large wooden door opened, creaking a little bit, Isak couldn’t help but hold his breath. And then Lea appeared behind the door, her eyes and expression cautious as she took in the sight of Even and Einar.

“Um, who are you?” She asked, just as she looked over and saw Isak.

Their eyes locked and a wave of recognition passed over her small, sweet face before she broke into the biggest grin Isak had ever seen.

“Issy!” She screeched, throwing herself into his arms. He picked her up off the ground and twirled her around, nearly suffocating from the tight hold she had on his neck.

But he didn’t care at all.

In fact, he wanted to cry tears of joy.

“Hey, baby girl. I missed you.” Isak sniffed, trying not to _actually_ cry.

“I missed you too!” Lea wailed, and suddenly Isak realized that she was crying. He could feel her tears drip down his cheek. Isak put her down and kneeled in front of her so they were at proper eye level.

“Oh, honey don’t cry. It’s okay.” Isak pleaded, wiping her face with his fingers.

“Mamma, she’s in the hospital.” Lea hiccupped.

Isak gulped. “I know. But Pappa is there now with her. She’s going to be okay.”

Isak knew that Lea missed their mother. Marianne wasn’t exactly there for her children right now, but Lea didn’t understand her condition the way Isak did. She didn’t have the capacity to truly know that their mother was ill. Lea just always talked about how their mother left her and how Lea wasn’t allowed to see her.

It was fucking heartbreaking.

“Lea, honey, I want you to meet someone.” Isak said softly, trying to change the subject; trying to get her innocent mind away from all the drama she shouldn’t have to experience.

Isak stood up and brought Lea back over to where Even and Einar were standing. Isak reached out for Even’s hand and brought it over to Lea’s hand, connecting them and placing his own hand on top.

“Lea, this is Even.”

“H-hi.” Lea said, sniffling through the last of her tears.

“Hi, sweetheart. It’s nice to meet you.” Even said kindly, bringing Lea’s hand up to his mouth and giving it a kiss like he was prince charming.

_You’re my prince charming._

That got a giggle out of Lea.

“And I’m Einar!” Einar announced, grabbing hold of Lea’s hand and also kissing it, trying to imitate his brother. Isak and Even laughed.

“We’re all going to hang out tonight, Lea. Pappa is going to bring home pizza later. Want to show Einar around?” Isak asked, walking inside as everyone followed him.

Lea looked hesitant at first, but Isak knew she got along well with other kids. So he wasn’t surprised when mere moments later Einar and Lea were running upstairs so Lea could show Einar her LEGO collection.

Isak had to admit that it was _impressive._

**

Two hours later, Einar and Lea were curled up under a blanket on the couch in the living room watching Finding Nemo and Isak and Even were sitting on the loveseat, also cuddled up against each other.

Even was carding his fingers through Isak’s hair as he faced the TV screen and Isak was laying against Even’s chest, feet propped up.

_Safe. I feel safe._

“Isak?” Even whispered suddenly, holding Isak against himself a bit tighter.

Isak turned his face. “Yeah?”

“I want to ask you something.”

“Okay. Anything.”

Even cleared his throat a little and he rested his forehead on the back of Isak’s neck. He was breathing a bit heavily and Isak sensed that he was nervous.

“Do you…blame your mother for the fact that she’s ill?”

Isak frowned, the question not what Isak was expecting at all.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m gathering you haven’t seen her in a while…and I wondered if you don’t go and visit her sometimes because you blame her…or that you don’t want to speak to her again because of what she’s done.” Even explained, his voice grainy as he tried to whisper.

Isak considered it, and he didn’t know what but he suddenly became unbearable sad at the thought. Did he blame his mother? Was he _angry_ with her?

No. No, he wasn’t angry. He knew mental illness wasn’t something people controlled. There was no off switch the person could press and be magically better, no matter how much they may have wanted to.

Isak was just _sad_ that nobody seemed to want to help his mother. And he couldn’t do it himself. He didn’t want to cut his mother out of his life. He just couldn’t keep living like everything was all right and that _he_ was all right, when in actuality everything was too much to handle.

“No.” Isak whispered. “I don’t blame her. I _do_ want to speak to her and have a relationship with her. I…love her. She’s my mom.”

Even let out a long, shaky breath and then he suddenly put both his arms around Isak. He hugged him tight and Isak chuckled, reaching up and trying to hug back even though they weren’t at the best angle for it.

“You’re a good person, Isak.” Even said.

“My mom is a good person too. She’s a beautiful, kind person, even though I don’t entirely know how she’d feel about me dating a boy. But I know she can’t help what’s happening to her mind. I know she doesn’t intentionally have hallucinations, or fits of anger. I don’t think I could ever blame her for something that isn’t in her control. I hope…if you meet her someday…you can see the beauty in her too. Nobody seems to be able to find it anymore…but I see it. Even during the bad days. I see what she _truly_ is.”

Isak was shocked by his own words, not knowing where they had come from exactly. He found himself crying, _again,_ but this time it didn’t feel like tears that hurt. It didn’t feel like he was crying out of guilt or anger.

He was crying because he _missed_ his family.

He wished his father hadn’t given up. He wished his mother would accept help. He wished that it hadn’t been weeks since he’d seen his little sister.

He wished people could _see_ his mother as a human being. He wished it hadn’t all been so hard. He wished that he had been given more help so he could have stayed.

Isak had pushed a lot of this down, covered it up by _pretending._ It had always been a survival instinct, a way of getting through the day. Deny. Pretend. Repeat.

But Isak felt it now. He felt what it was that was hurting him, plaguing his dreams and making him feel shattered.

It was _loss._ It felt like something was missing in his heart; in his life.

But, no; he could never hate his mother. He might have been angry and upset at what had happened but he could never hate _her._

“I see _you,_ Isak.” Even said, reaching up and wiping Isak’s tears. “I see you and you’re the most beautiful person. You don’t even know how much I…”

Even seemed to cut himself off, but Isak wanted him to finish the sentence.

“Tell me. _Please_.”

Even placed a kiss on Isak’s neck before saying, “…how much I _love_ you.”

Isak let it sink in; the words nobody had ever said to him before.

_I love you too._

_I’ve never known anything as much as I know this._

“What happened to falling?” Isak said before he could stop himself and Even let out a loud laugh, causing both Einar and Lea to shush them.

“I fell a few miles back, Isak.”

Isak turned around completely so he could touch Even’s face; his mouth and lips and jaw and _everything;_ the scar and the damaged skin around his eyes.

“I love you too.” He whispered before placing a kiss on Even’s lips; lingering a second longer than he meant to.

Even smiled, biting his bottom lip.

“Your brother kisses my brother a lot.” Lea suddenly said, her words meant for Einar alone.

Kids didn’t know how loud they could be.

“That’s okay. Isak makes Even smile.” Einar replied.

“Even makes Isak smile too.” Lea nodded, her eyes still glued to the screen.

Isak giggled and the world was just as it should be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay! So, I'm sorry to still withhold the story about how Mikael is responsible for Even's blindness, but that will be coming soon, as well as an Even POV chapter. I just had to throw in some more cheesiness, and I NEEDED to write an Isak and Lea reunion because I couldn't get the idea out of my head. 
> 
> Some people have also commented that I have the Bipolar tag in my fic, and that's going to be coming up soon too. 
> 
> Comments always welcome and appreciated! 
> 
> I love you guys so much <3


	14. Thank You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I know this update was later than the others, but I have a condition where my joints ache like a bitch sometimes and it was particularly bad in my wrists this past week, making typing kind of impossible. But here I am with another chapter :) 
> 
> This chapter is a bit longer because I wanted to establish a few more things (i.e. normal dating things for teenagers who have never dated before, Marianne's recovery, etc.) We're going to be getting back into the Mikael/blindness/bipolar/Even's POV during the next few chapters and I have lots planned! 
> 
> Thank you all again for reading! I enjoy your feedback so much :)

Marianne came home from the hospital on Tuesday and Isak was there with his father to pick her up. Lea didn’t come just in case Marianne was still sedated; foggy enough to not know her own daughter.

Isak was worried his mother wouldn’t know him either, but he was pleasantly surprised as he looked up from the lobby chair and saw his father walking with his mother; arm around her shoulders.

She was smiling at Isak. And she looked…healthier than he’d seen her in a while. Her hair was brushed and she was wearing actual clothes; not pajamas or a house coat. It might have been the nurse’s influence over his mother’s appearance, but it was nice to see nonetheless.

“Isak.” Marianne said, wrapping her arms around her son and squeezing.

“Hi.” Isak managed to whisper, hugging his mother back.

_Don’t cry, don’t cry._

They got into the car, Marianne in the back seat with Isak as his father drove, and suddenly Isak didn’t know what was going to happen. Could his mother really go home on her own now? Was his father just going to drop her off and leave like everything was fine?

“How is school?” Marianne asked, resting her head on Isak’s shoulder.

“It’s fine. Barely started but I have lots of work.”

“I know you’ll get good marks, Issy. You always have.” Marianne nodded confidently.

_At least you remember that part of me._

“Thanks, Mamma.”

Terje drove to his mother’s house and parked in the driveway. They all got out together and went into the house, his father carrying his mother’s things.

Marianne let out a loud gasp as she entered her house, looking around as if something was missing; like she’d been robbed. Isak frowned, not seeing the issue. The house was cleaner than he’d ever seen it.

“I cleaned up, Mari. The house was a disaster when I came to fetch some of your clothes for the hospital.” Terje explained, making his way into the kitchen. “I stocked the fridge and made some meals for you. Please make sure you eat them.”

“You did _not_ have to do that.” Marianne snapped, sounding angry now. “I know how to make my own food.”

“Of course.” Isak’s father said doubtfully. “But, they’re there for you anyways. Might as well eat them.”

Marianne sat at the kitchen table, looking peeved. Isak sat down next to her, again not knowing what was going to happen.

“Pappa.” Isak said, raising his eyebrows; hoping his question was conveyed without actually saying it.

Terje nodded, understanding. “Marianne, you can’t live on your own all the time. I think we both know that by now.”

“Then you shouldn’t have left. You shouldn’t…”

“I’m not discussing this in front of Isak.” Terje interrupted her, but his voice wasn’t angry or aggressive. It was pleading. “I spoke to the hospital, and a nurse is going to come and check in on you each day. She will stay for a few hours and help you out with some things. She will also be here to make sure you have taken your medication.”

“I do not _need…”_

“Mamma, please.” Isak butted in this time, taking his mother’s hands. “Please listen.”

Terje knelt down in front of his wife and sighed. “I didn’t want you to spend all your time in a hospital, Marianne. I want you to be home. I want you to try and have a normal life. But you can’t always do that by yourself. I can’t do it either, and I…” Terje flashed a glance at Isak. “I shouldn’t have left Isak here to try either. That was wrong of me.”

Isak tried not to choke from surprise at his father’s confession.

_Where the hell was this coming from?_

Isak felt weak.

Marianne looked at Isak, tears filling her eyes. A look of remembrance passed over her features and Isak wondered if she could recall what had happened; all those weeks he had spent here alone with his mother just trying to keep it together - trying and barely succeeding.

“This is a compromise.” Terje continued. “You get to be home, but you have to have some help. You have to try and get things…get _yourself_ in order, before we can move on. Before you can see Lea and Isak more often. Okay? Can you please try and do that for me, love?”

The tenderness in his father’s voice was shocking Isak. He hadn’t heard his father speak like that in…years.

Marianne swallowed, breathing heavily. Isak squeezed her hands.

_Please, please, please._

“O-okay.” Marianne croaked out, nodding. “Okay. I’ll do it. For…Isak. And for Lea.”

**

As his father dropped Isak off at his apartment, Isak was trying to find the words. He was trying to sort through all the thoughts in his head.

“I imagine you have questions.” Terje stated, parking the car and looking at Isak.

_So many._

“Mamma is on meds?” Isak asked, figuring that was a good place to start.

“Yes. They were finally able to complete a proper pysch evaluation when they admitted her. Since she tried to...” Terje trailed off, shaking his head.

_Hurt herself. Since she tried to hurt herself._

“Anyways, she was considered a danger to herself. So they had to complete a proper exam. A doctor prescribed her some medication and she is supposed to take them. It may take a few weeks for the meds to work, if at all, but she has to take them each day.”

“And you got a nurse to come and check on her?”

“Yes. Apparently it’s something they can offer for people who are out-patients. She also has to complete some therapy and go back to the hospital for check-ups.” Terje nodded. “It’s something, Isak. At least she finally agreed to it. I think…I think maybe by you leaving too, it finally allowed her to see that things weren’t okay. That _she_ wasn’t okay.”

Isak looked down at his hands, not wanting to cry in front of his father. But he was so fucking happy that something was being done to help his mother that he couldn’t help but cry tears of joy.

“I didn’t know about this before. I didn’t know it was possible to have someone else help us with her while she was _home_. If I had known, I would have…” Terje cut himself off, clearing his throat. “Isak, you have to see…”

“I know, Dad.” Isak cut in. “I know that you didn’t know what to do. I know you were worried about Lea.”

Isak wanted to forgive his father. He wanted things to be okay again. Maybe not right away. Maybe they needed to heal a little more.

_But this can be the start._

“I wasn’t thinking though. I should have done _more_ for you.” Terje insisted. “I hope this can be the beginning of something I should have done a long time ago. I hope…I hope we can see more of each other.”

Isak nodded. “I would like that.”

Terje smiled at Isak when Isak looked up and made eye contact. Isak smiled back, and fell into the hug that his father offered a second later. Terje patted Isak on the back as they pulled apart, wiping his own eyes.

“Okay. I’ll talk to you soon then.”

“Okay.” Isak said, beginning to get out of the car.

“Say hi to Even for me.” Terje stated. “And thank him.”

Isak turned back towards his father, frowning.

“Thank him?”

Terje looked sheepish and that was _not_ something Isak was used to seeing. “We had a good talk the night I met him. He’s…he’s a good guy. Just tell him thank you, okay?”

Isak decided not to ask because his mouth couldn’t form the question. He was too stunned. Instead he just nodded and waved as Terje pulled away.

**

“Is PDA still all right?” Even asked, putting his arm around Isak’s shoulders as they sat in the cafeteria the next day.

As a response, Isak leaned into Even’s side and kissed his cheek.

“How _cute.”_ Magnus teased, rolling his eyes.

“You’re just jealous.” Isak shrugged, eating his lunch. He’d managed to wake up in time to make a lunch for himself and maybe it wasn’t Eskild’s super healthy stuff but it was still damn good.

“I’m jealous of all the attention you two get. Jesus Christ.” Magnus said.

Isak’s eyes widened and he looked around, suddenly self-conscious.

“What?”

“C’mon. You don’t see the way people look at you two?” Magnus asked, raising his eyebrows.

“Well, I personally don’t see _anything_ at all.” Even said, nonchalantly chomping his sandwich. 

Mahdi, Jonas and Magnus all froze and looked over at Isak, clearly wondering if Even was kidding; wanting to know if they could chuckle at what _could_ be a joke. Isak was also wondering that because Even hardly ever joked about his blindness.

“I’m trying to be funny, guys. Take a deep breath.” Even said, suddenly grinning like a fool.

Everyone broke out into relieved laughs.

“A comedian, are you?” Mahdi huffed.

“Gotta have humour in your life.” Even smiled, pulling Isak against him further and nuzzling his neck. Isak blushed at the gesture because he was now entirely aware of just how many people were gazing at them; whispering with their groups of friends and even pointing.

Didn’t people have better things to talk about?

Politics? Religion? Actual important shit?

Isak pondered this out loud.

“Nope. People _love_ gayness, especially when you guys are so hot. And stereotypically attractive.” Magnus said, his words muffled by his chewing.

Isak and Jonas gasped, “What?!” at exactly the same time.

Even and Mahdi just laughed.

“It’s true though! If you guys had Tumblr, you would understand. Get two, hot dudes together and nothing else matters. I swear.” Magnus shook his head, looking terribly put upon. “Even people who _aren’t_ fucking in the movie or TV show are shipped together and that’s how fan fiction is born. It’s just…unreal. The amount of attention these guys get…from women no less! I should just kiss a guy and then maybe the ladies would fall at my feet.”

Isak was speechless. He blinked at Magnus stupidly because _there were no words._

“I’m a big fan of John and Sherlock, myself.” Even stated, nodding in Magnus’s direction.

Magnus flailed and he reached over to grab Even’s hand, laughing. “I’m going to high-five you, dude. Can you high-five me? Just give a shot. Oh, man. I love John and Sherlock!”

**

Isak had received dozens of messages since Friday about him and Even kissing, which usually included questions about his sexuality.

Most of them said things like ‘congratulations’ or ‘omg that was so cute.’ Vilde, Eva, Sana, Noora and Eskild added him to a group chat where they all sent various emojis and exclamation marks.

Eva did too which surprised Isak but for some reason that made him feel like a weight had been lifted off his chest. She even private messaged him and told him that she was happy he was finally able to be himself.

Eva: _also, should I be offended you pretended to like me?? :P_

Isak flushed as he read that message. He didn’t quite know how she was able to be so chill about what happened. He still felt like he had broken her and Jonas up last year. But if she was willing to move on, he owed it to their friendship to try as well.

Isak: _if I could like girls, you would be at the top of the list. <3 _

Eva: _< 3 <3 I’m flattered, Issy. _

Coming out had been so…easy. Isak hadn’t expected the world to come crumbling down around him, but he also expected it to be more difficult than this.

The attention wasn’t the greatest thing because Isak liked blending into the background, going unnoticed. And now he couldn’t do that, but Jonas told him it would blow over soon enough. People always found something new to talk about.

Isak’s favourite message that he’d received was from Sana, who simply wrote “congrats white boys ;)” in a private conversation with him and Even.

Even: _All our plotting paid off, Sana :P <3_

Isak: _WHAT_

Sana: :D

**

Wednesday after school meant Isak sprawled out on Even’s bed, trying to focus on his homework.

But Even was distracting.

The way he kept shifting in his desk chair, sighing deep and long; playing with a loose string on his shirt that kept riding up, exposing his belly.

Even constantly played with his hair when he was reading too; taking his fingertips away from his book in favour of running them through his hair, messing it up further.

_I want to mess it up._

Isak was also distracted because he was trying to figure out why his father asked Isak to thank Even. He was working up to just asking Even and getting it over with because his curiosity was getting the better of him.

“You want a snack?” Even asked, abruptly standing up and coming over to sit next to Isak. “I can’t focus on my work anymore.”

Isak pushed his laptop aside to make room for Even and he couldn’t help the desperate way he reached for him, pulling Even’s chin up until they could kiss properly.

“I’d rather kiss you.” Isak admitted.

Even laughed lightly against Isak’s lips, putting his hands on Isak’s cheeks. “This is a good study break too.”

They kissed softly at first, Isak allowing Even to set the pace. Isak’s head was spinning the entire time, knowing for a fact that he’d never get sick of this.

It wouldn’t ever become a boring thing to do.

Even pulled away after a few moments, and Isak looked into his eyes that were mere inches from his own face. He ran a finger along the scar, the feel of the damaged skin becoming familiar.

“Isak?”

“Yeah?” Isak replied, his voice raspy.

“I was wondering something.” Even pulled away entirely now, standing up and clearing his throat. He seemed panicky again, like the other night when they had been at Isak’s father’s house.

“Okay.” Isak said hesitantly, continuing to sit on the bed.

“Do you want to…” Even let out a long breath and then a shaky laugh. “God, why am I _nervous?”_

Isak smiled. “Don’t be nervous. Just ask.”

Even nodded quickly and Isak couldn’t help but think how adorable his boyfriend was.

“Would you want to go on a date with me? This Friday?”

Isak stood up and wrapped his arms around Even’s middle, pulling his back into his own chest. “Of course, Even. Did you think I would say no?”

_No way in hell._

Even chuckled. “No. I just…I want to do this _dating_ thing right. But I…”

“Hey, I’m new to this too. We can figure it out together, okay?” Isak interrupted, standing on his tip-toes to place a kiss on Even’s neck.

Even shivered.

“Okay.”

“What did you have in mind for this date?” Isak asked, still holding onto Even; just feeling him breathe, their hearts close.

“I thought we could…ugh, this is going to sound so _lame.”_ Even cursed himself, shaking his head again.

“I’m sure I will love it then. I’m the lamest person of all time. You don’t even want to know what kind of lame things I’ve done in my lifetime.” Isak explained, clicking his tongue for emphasis.

Even turned around in his arms, smiling. “You dork.”

“As long as I’m _your_ dork.” Isak retorted, booping Even on his nose.

“Okay then, _dork of mine._ Would you like to have a picnic with me on Friday?”

Isak couldn’t help the giggle he let out, brushing his nose against Even’s. “Okay, that _is_ pretty lame.”

“Shut up! I’m trying to be romantic!”

“I know. And I’m kidding by the way.” Isak teased, placing a soft kiss on Even’s mouth. “I’d love to have a picnic with you.”

**

Isak arrived at Even’s house at exactly 18:00, wearing a shirt that Eskild has insisted on ironing and smelling like a cologne Eskild had _also_ forced him to buy. Luckily Isak refused to put on as much as Eskild suggested and he knew he smelled just the right amount of nice; not overpowering.

He couldn’t help but feel giddy as he rang the doorbell and waited for someone to greet him. He was going on a date.

With a _boy._

He had a _boyfriend._

A boyfriend who _loved_ Isak.

LOVE.

Holy crap.

Einar opened the door two seconds later and threw himself at Isak, jumping up and forcing Isak to try and catch him. It was a hard thing to do considering Einar was wearing a men’s suit that he was practically drowning in.

And of course, the top hat.

“Isak! Hello!” Einar shouted, squirming in Isak’s arms. “You smell weird.”

Oh no. Had Isak actually put on too much of the cologne?

Fucking Eskild.

“Einar, let him come inside.” Astrid called from the kitchen.

Einar yanked on Isak’s arm as soon as his feet were back on the ground and he pulled Isak into the kitchen.

Astrid turned to greet Isak but before she could say anything she took in the sight of her youngest son and her face paled.

“Einar, why are you wearing that?”

“Abraham Lincoln wore suits! I wanted to wear a suit too!”

Isak could sense the tension in the room and he imagined it had something to do with Even’s father. Maybe the suit belonged to him.  

“Did you find that in my closet, honey?” Astrid asked, kneeling down in front of Einar.

The boy nodded slowly, looking into his mother’s face with big doe eyes that Isak knew were hard to say ‘no’ to. Astrid sighed and stood back up.

“Okay. Go tell Even that Isak is here.”

“Okay! They’re going on a date!” Einar cheered, running down the hallway. Isak laughed, unable to stop himself.

“Even tells him everything.” Astrid explained, motioning for Isak to sit down at the table.

“I noticed.”

Astrid smiled at Isak, sipping her tea. Isak hesitated, not knowing what to talk about. She looked equally as lost for words, looking around the kitchen in their silence.

“You make Even so happy, Isak.” Astrid whispered, looking surprised at herself for saying the words.

Isak blinked at her, suddenly self-conscious.

“I’ve always wanted him to find someone who could…understand him. And I know you care about him. He needs someone to care about _him,_ and not just…I don’t know. Not just feel _sorry_ for him.” Astrid continued, her cheeks pinking.

“I do care about him. So much.” Isak replied, clenching his hands together.

“Ready to go?” Even asked, suddenly appearing behind Isak’s chair.

“Yeah.” Isak nodded, standing up and giving Astrid one last glance.

“Have fun!” Einar called as they headed out the door. “Bring him home by midnight Isak, like Cinderella!”

“Oh, come inside you silly boy.” Astrid chuckled, closing the door behind them.

Even put his arm through Isak’s, leaning a bit closer. “You smell nice.”

Isak bit his bottom lip, insanely and stupidly happy. He had hoped Even would say that. 

**

Isak had packed two thermoses that were keeping the spaghetti he made this morning warm, as well as strawberries with whipped cream.

The whipped cream had been Eskild’s idea.

_Of course._

“This is good.” Even commented, taking a second huge bite of spaghetti as they sat on the blanket in the park; crossed legged and facing each other.

The evening air was chilly, causing goosebumps to appear on Isak’s skin and he wished he’d brought a warmer jacket. Or at least a hoodie. He shivered as he ate his own spaghetti, grateful to have something warm to hold.

“Thank you.” 

“I snuck some beer into my bag. You want one?” Even asked, looking mischievous.

“You rebel.” Isak laughed. “Sure, I’ll have one.”

They ate their food and drank their beers in relative silence, but it wasn’t awkward. It was nice to be outside, seeing the sky change as the sun began to set; listening to the birds chirp.

Isak also liked the fact that they were sitting outside together in a public place and Even didn’t have his sunglasses on. There weren’t many other people around, most having gone home already for dinner, but Even didn’t seem like it would have bothered him even if they were in a crowded space.

The thought that Even was becoming more comfortable in his own skin was enough to warm Isak; spreading the heat throughout his body and making him smile.

_I love you so much._

Isak put the food away when they were done and moved closer to Even, wanting to feel him; see him _better._ Isak was slowly realizing that unless he was touching Even he didn’t really feel like he was seeing him, which made no sense considering Isak had his sight.

But each time Isak got his hands on Even, felt the other boy close to him, he somehow had a better understanding of Even; a better view.

It made Isak feel whole.

“Are there stars tonight?” Even asked, pulling Isak back until he was resting against Even’s chest.

Isak looked up, seeing the stars begin to peek out in the darkening sky.

“Yeah. They’re coming out.”

“You’re freezing, baby. Why aren’t you wearing a warmer coat?” Even scolded, rubbing Isak’s arms in an attempt to heat his skin.

Isak melted into the touch.

“I thought you could be my coat.”

Even grinned and Isak could feel the movement on his own face. “And you said _I’m_ lame.”

“I fully admitted to also being lame. This shouldn’t be a shock to you.” Isak tutted, bringing Even’s big hand up and placing a kiss on his palm. “Now shut up and snuggle me.”

“Only if you give me those strawberries you promised.”

**

Even put on some music that he had on his phone, and they listened quietly together for a long while. They ended up changing positions eventually, Even lying on his back and Isak buried into his side; face on top of Even’s heart.

“I used to watch the stars at night when we went camping in the summer.” Even whispered, his hand wandering up and down Isak’s back.

Isak listened to Even while he felt his heartbeat under his ear.

_Thump thump, thump thump._

“Did you like camping?”

Even nodded. “Yeah. It was a nice way to spend time with my parents. I always liked being outside.”

“I never did anything like that growing up.”

_And I also loathe bugs._

“Maybe we’ll do it someday with our kids.” Even commented casually.

Isak’s eyes widened and he shifted up on his elbow.

“Our… _kids?”_

Even laughed, throwing his head back. “Now I _really_ wish I could see your face.”

Isak sputtered, not knowing what to say. But eventually he joined Even in his laughter because it was infectious; his smile big and bright enough to lure Isak in.

As they calmed down, Isak caught on to the beginning of the song that had just started playing. Even’s phone was on shuffle and a bunch of random songs had come on over the course of the picnic, none really spiking Isak’s interest. But now…

“Holy fuck. Are you serious?”

Even frowned. “What?”

“ _Gabrielle?!”_

“Um. Yeah?”

“This is a hashtag!” Isak squealed, sitting up properly now; grinning.

Even raised his eyebrows in a questioning way. “What?”

“You meet the man of your dreams, who you also _love,_ but it turns out he likes this crap music!” Isak flailed, shaking his head. “I just…”

“Wait, hold on.” Even smiled. “I’m the man of your dreams?”

Isak rolled his eyes, but he could feel himself blushing.

Goddamnit with all the blushing!

He was _not_ some character in a Jane Austen novel.

“You know what I meant! It’s a thing! A hashtag is a…”

“I know what a hashtag is, but excuse me. You said I’m the man of your dreams.” Even stated, suddenly getting to his feet and offering a hand for Isak to join him.

Isak took the hand and stood up, seriously wishing he’d said nothing. Because now Even was going to _gloat._

He pulled Isak into his side and kissed his cheek as the song continued to play. “Say it again?”

Oh, here we go.

“Say what again?” Isak asked, being coy on purpose.

“You know what.” Even whispered, the words sultry and low; right against Isak’s ear.

Isak shivered but it wasn’t from the cold this time.

“You’re the man of my dreams.” Isak said breathily, turning his head so he could kiss Even; suddenly needing him closer.

Even obliged for all of a second before he pulled away and started dancing. He was dancing like a basic white boy, and Isak laughed because he knew he couldn’t do any better. Isak had no rhythm at all.

“Come on. Let’s dance.”

“No. No way.” Isak said defiantly, shaking his head.

_They were in a park for god’s sake._

“This is a first date requirement. Dance. With. Me.” Even said insistently this time, putting his hands on Isak’s hips and swaying him back and forth.

Isak eventually began dancing because Even was pouting at one point after he tried to sing along to the lyrics, and it was kind of the most adorable way to guilt Isak into participating.

So Isak danced, bopping his head along to the beat, and shaking his ass shamelessly. It was dark out. They were alone. Nobody was watching.

And if Isak closed his eyes, as Even kissed his neck and sang against his face, all Isak saw was them anyways.

**

Isak was standing next to Even’s doorway, dropping him off like a gentleman. Just before midnight, as per requested by Einar.

“I had a nice time.” Even said, lacing their hands together.

“Me too.” Isak smiled. “It was perfect.”

“ _You’re_ perfect.” Even kissed the tip of Isak’s nose.

“Shut up.”

“Accept the compliment, Isak.” Even insisted, kissing lower this time; across Isak’s lips.

“Fine.”

“Good.” Even said smugly, looking too pleased with himself.

“Even?”

“Hm?”

“My dad asked me to tell you ‘thank you’ from him. Can I ask why? He wouldn’t tell me.” Isak asked, not sure why he was bringing this up now of all times.

“Oh.” Even muttered, taken aback. “I told him about your mom being able to have a nurse check on her. That way she could go home. And I…”

Even looked guilty all of a sudden.

“What?”

“I may have told him that he shouldn’t have left you alone with your mom. I told him that it wasn’t fair and that you deserved better. I asked him to do better for you.” Even said sheepishly. “I didn’t mean to step out of line, but I have a pet peeve about fathers being oblivious idiots.”

Isak nodded, understanding. “ _Thank you.”_

“You’re okay with it?”

“Of course, Even. My dad actually apologized to me. And he…spoke to my mom like she was person again! What you did…what you told him must have had an influence over him. You helped him help my mom and I can’t…I can’t thank you _enough.”_ Isak pleaded, feeling breathless.

“I just wanted to help _you.”_ Even whispered.

Isak surged forward and kissed Even hungrily, unable to help himself. He was feeling so many things in this moment, so much love for this boy in front of him and he couldn’t contain it within his chest.

“You did help me, Even. You help me every day. God, I love you.”

“I love you too, Isak.”  

**

Isak knew he couldn’t see Even every day after school. It just wasn’t logical. But the week after their date, Isak felt like he never got to see Even, especially alone, and it was driving him _crazy._

He saw Even at lunchtime. He saw Even in the mornings and after school, stealing kisses and hugs and bantering like they did.

But they didn’t get to be alone in the sense that they could really spend time together. Isak missed Even. Missed laying with him and kissing him for as long as he wanted.

Einar had a soccer game. Isak went over and saw Lea. Isak also went and checked on his mother, who was doing surprisingly well with her nurse who she really liked.

So the week had been busy for them both.

But when Friday came around, Isak made it his mission to get Even alone. He invited Even over to his place and he was dedicated to the idea of not leaving his room or the apartment in general for at least twenty-four hours.

“That sounds awesome.” Even smiled, kissing Isak by his locker after school had ended. “I’ll come over after supper?”

“Okay.”

True to his word, Even texted right after he had finished dinner with his mom and brother that he was heading to the tram and would be at Isak’s place soon.

Isak was laying on his bed, excitement in his chest, when Eskild came in.

“Hello!”

Isak tried not to roll his eyes.

“Hey, Eskild.”

“Even coming over tonight?”

“Yeah, he is.”

“Awesome. I’ll be scarce and won’t corner him to talk about the latest episode of our show.” Eskild explained, smirking.

“Thanks?”

“No problem. So about gay sex…” Eskild began, sitting next to Isak on the bed.

“ _What?!”_

“Oh, please. Don’t act weird about it. I just want to make sure you have everything you need. Or do you have questions? Just ask me.”

“Eskild, stop trying to be the mom from ‘Mean Girls.’ I don’t need snacks _or_ a condom… So, you can stop.” Isak huffed a laugh, sitting up.

_Wait. Did he need condoms?_

“But it’s your first time being with a guy. Are you scared?” Eskild pried and this needed to stop right the hell now.

“How do you know we haven’t done anything already? Why are you assuming that… _tonight’s the night,_ or whatever?”

“Isn’t it?” Eskild raised his eyebrows knowingly.

Isak pursed his lips, annoyed.

“Maybe. I don’t know! It’s not like I scheduled tonight as the night I lose my virginity! We haven’t even…like…done _other_ things, so can you just…ugh, why are you like this?!”

“There’s that pout again.”

“I do _not_ pout!”

“Isak, I’m just trying to help you. Your gay guru is here. But if you don’t want to talk, that’s fine. I just…I want you to have a nice night.” Eskild shrugged, looking down at his hands.

Isak sighed, angrily blowing out the breath. “Thank you, Eskild. But you’re making me nervous now. Do you think Even is assuming that we’ll…?”

“I don’t know. But I’m really surprised nothing has happened yet. I thought that meant you were waiting for a special night, like tonight.”

“I just want to spend time with him tonight. I want us to…be together. We haven’t really had time for that all week. And he’s never dated anyone before either, so…things haven’t been rushed.” Isak said hesitantly, not really wanting to blurt out ‘ _hey Eskild we’re both virgins!’_

“Why is that so sweet? God, you two are going to be the death of me.” Eskild grinned, standing up. “Okay, I’m leaving. Don’t be nervous. Just do what comes naturally. But should you be needing it…”

And then Eskild placed a bottle of lube and condoms on Isak’s bed.

“Eskild!”

“Love you!” He hollered, dashing out of Isak’s bedroom.

**

Isak told Even about Eskild giving him condoms and lube – leaving out the part about Isak being nervous and not knowing what to expect – and Even just laughed.

“He’s something else.”

“He’s a lunatic.” Isak retorted.

They were lying on Isak’s bed, closer than close, and Isak’s heart was beating fast as they quieted back down; breathing the same air.

“Did you need…that stuff?” Even asked suddenly, his words breathy and fast.

Isak closed his eyes.

Crap.

“I wasn’t…assuming anything. I know we’re…I…”

_You suck Valtersen._

“Breathe, baby.” Even chuckled, kissing Isak’s temple.

“He gave the stuff to me but I didn’t ask for it. I’m not presuming we’ll need it tonight or anything.” His face was on fire. “But when we _do_ need it…you know…it’s there.”

_I’m going to die. The floor can swallow me up any time now._

“It’s not like I haven’t thought about it.” Even stated, again breathing hard.

“You have?”

“You _haven’t?”_

Isak laughed. “I think about it a lot.”

Even turned, propping himself up on his elbow so he could put his face over Isak’s, kissing him softly. “Do you know what I think about?”

Isak shook his head.

“The night I came to see you at the party. You were drunk. But you said something that… _fuck_. It made me so hard.”

Isak couldn’t help the moan that he let out. They hadn’t talked like this at all yet, and it was doing insane things to Isak.

“You said that all you dreamt about was my hands.” Even began, linking their hands together and squeezing. “You said you wanted my hands on you. Anywhere.”

Even put their joined hands on Isak’s hip, drawing circles there before he started pushing down lower; feeling, searching.

“ _Even.”_

“You said you wanted my hands…inside you.”

Isak remembered. He had been drunk but he remembered saying that. He remembered _wanting_ it so badly. He’d never done that, not even to himself, but he’d imagined what it would feel like.

He imagined Even could make it feel so good.

“Do it.” Isak suddenly groaned, placing a hot kiss on Even’s neck, sucking. “ _Please.”_

“Yeah?” Even panted, grinding his hips into Isak; making Isak feel how he was affected by him.

“Yeah. But, do you know what I think about?” Isak asked, suddenly feeling bold.

“What?”

Even moved their hands lower, so close to where Isak wanted it.

“You said you’d kiss me somewhere…somewhere you hadn’t before.”

Even huffed a small laugh that was more a moan, shaking his head.

“I have an idea.”

Their hands stopped right over Isak’s crotch and Even pressed down, making Isak’s back arch.

“Please.” Isak whined again, tilting his head up for a kiss; staring right into Even’s eyes.

“Let’s do both.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments welcome and appreciated! <3


	15. The Easiest Thing in the World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the longest chapter yet for this fic, I believe. I'm excited to share it with you guys, but also kind of nervous because a lot happens. But I'm hoping you'll enjoy it. 
> 
> Thank you again for all your support with this story <3 Please read notes at the end as well for this chapter.

Isak wasn’t sure this was real.

There were so many people around him, so much noise; so much chatter and loud music. Isak thought that alone should be a sign that he wasn’t dreaming because he could smell the booze on people’s breaths and feel the clamminess of their sweat-drenched skin as he’d walked past; shoved his way through the crowd.

But it was such a _cruel_ thing that he was seeing that his brain still didn’t want to latch onto the idea that this was _actually_ real.

He had come inside the house because he’d looked past the people standing by the front door and saw _him._

Even.

The boy that just this morning kissed Isak so sweetly. The boy who had…loved Isak in every way he hadn’t yet experienced until last night _._ The boy who had whispered things Isak had never thought he’d hear someone else say to him.

The boy that Isak _loved._

And the boy Isak loved, the boy Isak craved more than anything, was currently kissing someone else.

**

**1 day earlier**

“Both?” Isak gasped, bucking up into the pressure of their hands.

“Yeah. Do you want to?”

Of course Isak did. Every time he’d looked at Even recently, doing things to him and with him had been on his mind ridiculously often. He was seventeen after all.

But he was also nervous; afraid he wouldn’t… _please_ Even.

“I just…” Isak began, closing his eyes against the onslaught of pleasure; the closeness of Even’s body.

_I don’t want to do it wrong._

“Hey, I’m here.” Even whispered, unlocking their fingers and bringing his hand up to Isak’s face; stroking.

“I know.”

“Are you scared?” Even asked, his voice laced with vulnerability; the same kind that Isak was feeling and it tightened his chest with emotion.

_No._

“No. Just…I want to be good for you.” Isak said slowly, feeling all kinds of stupid but at least he was being honest.

“ _Isak.”_ Even breathed hotly against Isak’s lips.  “You’re always good for me. You’d never…disappoint me.”

Isak bit down on his bottom lip, trying to gain back the boldness he had felt moments earlier. He wanted to move them into a place where they could start this; really begin to feel each other the way they had both been longing to for weeks now.

So after he regained some of his confidence, he reached a hand up and pulled Even down to his mouth by the back of his neck, sealing their lips together. It was gentle for only a moment before Isak deepened the kiss the way he knew Even loved, coaxing his mouth open with firm kisses and kitten licks.

Even moaned into his mouth, pushing his body closer to Isak, wrapping their legs around each other which aligned their groins gloriously.

Before Isak could overthink it, he rolled them until he was on top of Even, straddling his hips and thrusting down to create friction that made them both gasp.

This position was familiar. It’s what they had done the first and only time so far in which they’d done anything sexual. And it had been intense, just getting each other off through their clothes.

But Isak was itching to feel skin on skin, to undress Even and really get to see him; with his eyes and his hands. He wanted so much at once as they continued to kiss, as Even put his hands on Isak’s thighs and gripped.

Isak didn’t know where to begin.

Thankfully, Even seemed to make that decision for him.

“Undress for me.” Even requested, pulling on the bottom of Isak’s shirt. “Please?”

Isak nodded, sitting up and regretfully moving his mouth away from all their kissing, in favour of pulling his shirt over his head; exposing his bare chest. He reached for Even’s hands and brought them up to his stomach, showing Even that he wanted him to touch.

“You’re so soft.” Even commented, his fingers tracing Isak’s ribs and lower back.

As Isak was sitting up with Even’s hands on him, he couldn’t exactly help the way in which his hips thrusted slowly forward, rubbing his ass over Even’s cock. He could feel how hard Even was under him and it made him feel…sexy. Desired.

Which was weird considering Isak had never imagined someone would want him; truly ache for him in the way he could for someone. But then again, Isak had never wanted anyone the way he wanted Even.

He felt a jolt of arousal as Even pushed his own hips up into Isak, and for some reason it made Isak grab Even’s hand and bring it up to his mouth, putting his index and middle finger past his lips; sucking and gently biting.

“Jesus.” Even panted, pushing his fingers in deeper; pushing down on Isak’s tongue.

Isak pulled the fingers out of his mouth after a few more seconds of sucking, and he could feel how flushed his skin was. He was equal parts embarrassed and aroused but the arousal was definitely winning as he said, “Put these inside me.”

Even huffed out a shaky laugh before he sat up, searching for Isak’s mouth and claiming it as he managed to flip them over; Isak on his back and Even hovering over him now. 

“You’re so unbelievably sexy, Isak. _Fuck.”_

“The lube is on my desk.” Isak gasped, not a gay-sex expert but he knew that lube was definitely important.

Even nodded, kissing Isak frantically and Isak realized suddenly with an impatient noise that Even was still fully dressed. This needed to be fixed before anything else happened.

“Here, let me.” Isak whispered as he broke their kiss, reaching for Even’s shirt just as Even had reached for his. “I wanna see you.”

Even helped Isak take his shirt off, and he threw it on the floor behind them. Isak took in the sight of Even’s bare chest, his skin also soft and creamy; moles decorating his skin like paint drops.

Isak put his hands on Even’s skin, touching and seeing the way they both knew how to do now; how to _see_ each other. Even pushed into the touch, looking grateful that Isak wasn’t only seeing him with his eyes.

Isak knew he wanted to go slow, not rush and inevitably do something wrong. But he also wanted to strip Even completely, pull his pants and boxers down and really, _really,_ feel him.

As always, Even seemed to know what he was thinking.

“You can.” He said. “You can see me everywhere. Want you to.”

Maybe it was Isak’s hands playing at the top of Even’s jeans that had given him away; uncovered his desperation and desire to have Even in a way they hadn’t done before. Maybe it didn’t matter. All the mattered is Isak had been given permission and he was going to take full advantage of it.

Even lifted his hips as Isak undid the button on his pants, pushing them down until they were at Even’s knees. Isak looked down and saw Even’s lean thighs that seemed to go on and on forever, and he also saw how aroused Even was; how he strained against the fabric of his black boxers.

“Take them off all the way.” Isak instructed, knowing Even would have to do that himself considering the angle they were at.

Even did as he asked and came back to lie beside Isak in only his boxers, his hands reaching for Isak’s pants this time; undoing the button and practically ripping them down Isak’s legs.

Even was breathing so heavily as he clutched Isak’s bare legs, caressing them and coaxing them to open further.

“God, I love your body. Loved it since I first saw you.” Even panted, placing wet kisses on the tops of Isak’s thighs, just under his boxers.

_He’s never kissed me there before._

“Even, _please_.” Isak said, not knowing what he was asking for. Anything. Everything.

“I wanna kiss you somewhere, like I said.”

“You’ve never kissed me _here_ before.” Isak observed, still able to feel Even’s mouth on his skinny legs; aching with the tenderness of it.

Even chuckled. “I know. But when I said I wanted to kiss you somewhere new, I didn’t mean your legs. Even though I’d gladly kiss you everywhere.”

Isak held his breath as Even put his hands under the waistband of his boxers and slowly pulled them down, freeing Isak’s cock.

_Oh._

_He wants to kiss me here._

“Even…” Isak managed to gasp, his lungs finally filling with air again.

“Shhh. Please just let me.”

Without waiting for a reply, Even moved his face down until he placed a single kiss on the tip of Isak’s dick, making him arch his back and groan.

Even placed more kisses along Isak, lower and lower and then back up, the sensation light and nowhere near enough, but it also felt amazing. Isak let Even take his time and he didn’t miss how Even was affected by this as well, pushing his own hips into the mattress as his mouth was on Isak.

Suddenly, Even suckled the head into his mouth, adjusting to the stretch quickly. Isak’s hands instinctually flew to Even’s head, just holding not pushing; holding on for dear life.

“Yes. _Yes.”_ Isak heard himself say, the words involuntary and helpless.

Even wasn’t gentle anymore. He took Isak further into his mouth, bobbing his head now as he reached to stroke what he couldn’t fit into his mouth with his hand. Even was also moaning around his cock, the vibrations doing insanely awesome things to Isak.

Isak couldn’t help that he was already close to coming. This was a first for him, having someone’s mouth around him, and the fact that it was Even just made him all the more sensitive.

“Even, wait. I’m…”

But Even just kept going, faster now. Isak took that as an okay to let go, let the sensation carry him until he reached the peak.

His hands tightened in Even’s hair, his head thrown back against the pillow. His legs were shaking and his stomach was moving quickly with his rushed breaths. And Isak had never felt _anything_ like this before; the rush and closeness and the _love._

Isak moaned out Even’s name as he came, his body seizing up with pleasure and Even held him tight through it all.

Even pulled away from his dick slowly, like he was unwilling to let go. But he sat up and looked in Isak’s direction a dazed expression playing on his features; looking blissed. Isak was sure he had a similar look and he reached for Even, wanting him to see it.

“That was amazing.” Isak whispered, showing Even with his hands the way his breath was still coming fast; how his heart was pounding in his neck. The hot touch of his skin.

They kissed softly for a few seconds before Isak realized that Even was pushing his hips into Isak’s side, squirming a little.

“Let me?” Isak asked, mirroring Even’s statement from earlier. But this time he was actually asking Even.

“ _Please.”_

Isak got Even on his back and admired him as he placed kisses all down his torso, stopping to lap at his nipples with his tongue, making Even suck in a long breath. He moved closer and closer to where he knew Even wanted him, but not yet.

He wanted to worship Even first.

So Isak kissed Even’s stomach. The skin holding his ribcage. His hip bones and treasure trail; his soft inner thighs. He kept their hands laced together, wanting Even to know he was here; body and mind.

Isak had always pictured sex as fast; something to do quickly. He always thought he would experience sex for the first time as if it was some kind of race; just wanting to get off. He never thought he’d want to do something like this with another person, exploring their body and just enjoying kissing them. Lips to skin, lips to skin; repeat.

Isak couldn’t get over the soft sounds Even made, how he clutched onto Isak’s hands and gasped every time Isak pushed his tongue slightly out to meet skin as well.

It was intoxicating; the best high.

And Isak knew somewhere deep down that this wouldn’t have felt as good with just anyone. He wouldn’t be okay with exploring any random person’s body.

This was good because it was Even. Because it was _them._

Because Even wanted it, and he wanted it from _Isak._

Even was whimpering now; a sweaty desperate mess and Isak could see that he was leaking. A stain had appeared on his white boxers. So Isak decided to take pity on him and he pulled his boxers down, shaking them off his thighs and tossing them onto their heap of clothes on the floor.

Even reached for Isak and when their hands connected again, Isak realized that Even was shaking. It was almost like he was cold and Isak wondered for a second if he should get a blanket.

“Isak, I…” Even swallowed, closing his eyes.

Isak immediately missed the blue.

“Shh, Even. It’s all right. I’m here. Look.” Isak pleaded, putting Even’s hands back on his own face, willing Even to see Isak’s expression.

Wonder. Love. Everything.

Everything for this boy.

“I don’t know what I look like anymore.” Even suddenly gasped, and when he opened his eyes tears poured from them.

Isak froze.

“I’ve been…so afraid for so long that no-one…that I wouldn’t be what someone wanted.”

Isak’s heart broke where it was beating inside his chest.

“ _Even…”_

“Wait, wait.” Even pleaded, shaking his head. “You make me…feel so loved, Isak. I’m not…I’m not afraid anymore. I just want you to know that.”

Isak rushed towards Even, wrapping his arms around him and kissing him desperately. “I _do_ love you, Even. So much. You’re everything I want. _Everything.”_

“I know. I know.” Even replied, kissing Isak back. “I feel it…I feel it every time you look at me.”

Isak was feeling so many things all at once. It was propelling him forward, causing him to deepen their kisses, trying to get Even squirming under him again; begging Isak with his body to make him come.

It didn’t take long, not when Isak knew Even’s blood was pumping hot inside his veins as well; the same yearning, the same need for touch.

And when Isak finally got his mouth around Even, they moaned in sync, hands still clutching each other.

“Fuck.”

It didn’t take long. Even was too worked up and Isak tried his best to please him, licking and stroking and kissing. He wanted to kiss Even somewhere he hadn’t before too.

“Touch me. Just your hand.” Even begged, tugging Isak gently off of him.

“Okay.” Isak obliged, wrapping his fingers around Even and putting more pressure; imagining what he did when he was getting himself off.

Another few pulls and then Even closed his eyes, spilling onto his stomach with a muffled cry, Isak’s name on his lips.

**

They didn’t do both.

Not that night. They were both exhausted from the long week and decided to go to sleep early, even though it was Friday night and Isak could only imagine what Jonas and the boys would say about wasting a perfectly good drinking night.

But Isak was right where he wanted to be. Naked in his bed, head on his boyfriend’s chest, the sound of their combined breathing lulling him to sleep.

**

The sound of thunder woke Isak, suddenly and forcefully. His eyes shot open and he turned his head towards his window, seeing another flash of lightening as it lit up his whole bedroom.

The pounding of the rain was deafening too, slamming against the window harshly. Storms like this were unusual this time of year.

Isak turned back to the other side of the bed and saw Even lying on his side, facing Isak and smiling. Isak smiled back and came over to kiss Even, nudging him with his nose before he put his head back on his pillow.

“Did the storm wake you up too?”

“I haven’t slept yet. It’s only been about two hours since you fell asleep.”

“Why didn’t you sleep?”

Even shrugged. “Wasn’t tired, I guess. I also enjoy watching you sleep. Your nose gets all scrunchy. It’s adorable.”

“You creeper.” Isak teased.

Isak closed his eyes, snuggling into Even’s neck as they listened to the thunder. He was nearly asleep again when he heard Even say his name.

“Yeah?”

“I want to tell you something. Something about myself.”

Isak opened his eyes and looked at Even. “Okay.”

Even took a deep breath before he blurted out, “I’m bipolar.”

Isak let out a long breath, trying to decide what to say. Even looked unsure of what Isak’s next words would be. Maybe, like all things, Even didn’t talk about this with people. It was another layer to himself that he wanted to conceal.

“Okay. I know a little bit about it. Magnus’s mom is bipolar.”

Even looked surprised. “She is?”

“Yeah. She’s an awesome person. Magnus adores her. But he said sometimes she has high highs and then really low lows. That’s probably a bad description of it but…”

“No.” Even interrupted, laughing. “That’s actually a great summary.”

“Are you okay, though? Like, are you trying to tell me you’re low, or something?” Isak asked, cringing at his own words. He didn’t want to say the wrong thing.

Even put a hand on Isak’s neck, stroking. “Fuck, I love you so much, Isak. You’re always surprising me.”

Isak turned his face and kissed Even’s palm, waiting for him to speak again.

“But no, I’m not depressed right now. I’m on meds and they’ve been helping for a while now, but that’s…I had an episode after what happened with Mikael. It’s why I left Bakka and came to Nissen to repeat my last year. I couldn’t go to school for a long time. It was the worst depression I’d ever experienced.” Even confessed, sighing deeply.

“So, you’re a ’97?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re a _cougar_. Going after the younger boys, huh?” Isak teased, kissing the tip of Even’s nose.

“I thought it was only women who could be cougars?” Even laughed.

“Nope. I decided. You’re a cougar too. And a damn cute one.”

Even pulled Isak into his chest and they giggled together.

“I thought you should know. About me being bipolar.” Even said as they calmed down, laughter fading.

Isak nodded, kissing the skin over Even’s heart. “Thanks for telling me.”

“Thanks for loving me so damn much.”

“You think I would love you less because you’re bipolar?” Isak asked, completely serious now.

“I didn’t think _you_ would. But I’ve spent a lot of years being afraid that nobody would want to be with someone who is blind _and_ bipolar. The terrible ‘b’s. I guess it’s just second nature now to imagine it being a hardship to…love me.”

Even said the words slowly, like he didn’t want to say them; like honesty was so foreign to him. Isak couldn’t help but smile knowingly. He’d kept a lot of truth hidden from himself and others for a long time too.

“Even, I want you to listen to me.” Isak whispered, kissing Even’s lips softly. “And I want you to really _believe_ me.”

Even suddenly went very still, entirely focused on Isak.

“Loving you…is the easiest thing I have ever done.”

**

Isak left a sleeping Even in his bed the next morning and got up to start making breakfast. He had made a decision last night before Even came over that he wanted to make him breakfast in bed, and he was determined now to make it happen.

He made eggs and toast, and brought fresh fruit as well as coffee on a tray about thirty minutes later; attempting to re-open his bedroom door without dropping everything.

He managed it, proud of himself, and gently sat the tray on the floor so he was able to kiss Even awake.

“Hey.” Even smiled, opening his eyes and looking just too far to the right to be looking into Isak’s face. But it was okay.

“I brought breakfast.”

“In bed? What a gentleman.” Even exclaimed, sitting up.

Isak put the tray in front of him, feeling smug. He was kind of awesome sometimes.

“What about yours?” Even asked, biting into the toast.

“I’m going to get it now.” Isak explained, heading back into the kitchen.

“Do you have matching trays?” Even hollered and Isak could hear him all the way into the kitchen, where Eskild was now sitting and drinking his coffee.

“Yes, Even! They match perfectly and I’m going to throw up in my mouth because of all the cuteness!” Eskild shouted, winking at Isak as he picked up his own tray.

Isak rolled his eyes but smiled at Eskild, heading back into his bedroom where he was also determined to keep Even for most, if not all, of the day.

**

“ _One new message from Sonja.”_

Even’s phone interrupted their fifth make-out session of the day around three in the afternoon, and Isak couldn’t help but put his lips into a pout.

And okay, maybe Eskild was right. Isak was definitely capable of pouting.

Even chuckled, his fingers running over Isak’s mouth and seeing the pout. “Sorry, baby. Mind if I read it?”

“Fine.” Isak sighed, trying to sound terribly put out.

Even disentangled himself from Isak enough so that he could reach his phone, clicking until he found the message from his best friend.

“ _Hey bestie. There’s a party tonight for Bakka students. Some people asked about you and I said you’d come. Pick you up around 18 for the pregame. Hope you’re getting some hot action from your new beau!_

_End of message.”_

“Wow. _Wow.”_ Isak huffed. “Beau? How formal. She might as well have said suitor or something.”

“She’s weird like that.” Even shrugged. “And she’s also incessant about things like this. She won’t let me _not_ go to this party.”

Isak tackled Even down on the bed, putting them back in the position they had been in all day; wrapped around each other and close as could be, which was super convenient for all the kissing they’d been doing in between movies and lunch.

“That’s okay if you go. Jonas texted me and asked if I’d hang out with him and the guys tonight.” Isak nodded.

“Okay. I’ll text Sonja your address and she can come here to get me.”

As Even typed his reply, Isak texted Jonas back and said he would come over around 18:30 for games. He would try and bring beer because he knew he owed Jonas two times over by now.

“I hope it isn’t awkward.” Even said, putting his phone down.

“The party?”

“Yeah. I burned a couple of bridges before I left. Before my last episode.”

“Oh.”

“But…maybe it will be okay? I guess I won’t know until I try.” Even shrugged, and Isak could tell he was trying his hardest not to dwell on it; or let it make him nervous.

Isak suddenly thought of something and he asked it before he could lose his nerve.

“Will…that guy be there do you think?”

Even frowned. “What guy?”

“The one who pushed you. Who was…” _at school._

“Oh.” Even interrupted, closing his eyes. “Maybe. I hadn’t thought of that. I used to hang with him and Mikael all the time at Bakka. Sonja knows them too.”

Isak hadn’t thought about Mikael being there. That might turn into a world full of awkward now that Isak really thought about it.

But maybe it would be good for Even to go and try and mend those bridges. Maybe he could really get his point across to the guy –whoever the fuck he was – and to Mikael about not being interested in him anymore. Maybe it could be the beginning of getting his friendship back.

Isak said as much to Even.

“Maybe.” Even said, sounding doubtful. “I just don’t know if they’ll listen. Mikael’s brother is super protective of him. He…he confronted me right after I tried to kiss Mikael too and it wasn’t exactly pretty.”

_Mikael’s…brother?_

“That’s who he is? Mikael’s brother?” Isak asked.

“Yeah. His older brother. Graduated two years ago.”

“Shit.”

“He was always so nice to me when Mikael and I were younger. He liked that Mikael and I were friends. But Mikael…he freaked out after what happened and he must have told his brother and that made him come after me. He didn’t like me texting Mikael again this year either, I guess.”

“But that didn’t give him the right to come to school and shove you!” Isak said exasperatedly. “Like, what the fuck? It’s actually none of his business.”

“They’re close, though.”

“I don’t give a shit. He should let Mikael deal with it.”

Even suddenly chuckled, pulling Isak against him and rubbing his back. “It’s okay, Isak.”

For some reason the words irritated Isak and he pushed himself up on his elbow, out of Even’s hold. “No, Even. It isn’t okay. None of this shit is okay. I won’t just laugh off the fact that someone is hating on you for liking boys! It’s not like you forced yourself on Mikael or something.”

Even put his lips together in a line and sighed out his nose. He looked defeated and sagged back into the bed, closing his eyes.

“I don’t even know if he’ll be there. He’s probably over high school parties anyways.”

“And if Mikael is there?”

“I don’t know, Isak. I could try and talk to him. But that doesn’t mean he’ll listen.”

Isak deflated, his sudden anger leaving him, and he put his head on Even’s chest. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to stress you out. I just don’t want people pushing you around. You’re such a _good_ person, Even.”

“Do you want to come with me and be my bodyguard?” Even asked, tickling Isak’s side and making him yelp.

He hated being tickled.

“Sure. I’ll take on all those bitches! I’m the master of fighting.”

“Oh yeah?” Even asked, still tickling Isak.

“Yeah!” Isak gasped, trying to wiggle away. “Nobody is a better fighter than me. Even, stop!”

Even stopped the tickling, letting Isak catch his breath and reposition himself on the bed. “I believe you’d be a great bodyguard. But Sonja, although not the _master,_ is still quite scrappy when she needs to be. She can protect me.”

“Okay. I guess she’ll be good enough.” Isak teased.

**

“A _party?”_ Magnus shrieked, nearly spilling beer all over himself. “Isak!”

Isak’s eyes widened at the sudden outburst, confused. “Um, yes?” They had only been hanging out for an hour and half and Magnus wasn’t _that_ drunk yet, so Isak didn’t know what his deal was.

“Even is at a party!”

“Is he broken?” Isak asked Jonas, raising his eyebrows.

“Dude! Let’s go to the party!” Magnus said, standing up.

“It’s for Bakka students.” Isak repeated.

“But you’re dating someone who used to go to Bakka. That’s good enough. Come on. Shoes on, now!” Magnus demanded, taking the beer cans out of Mahdi and Jonas’s hands.

“I mean…a party sounds fun.” Jonas said, looking apologetically at Isak.

“Seriously?”

“I’m in.” Mahdi grinned, standing up. “Maybe we’ll have better luck with Bakka girls.”

“I could try it with Sonja again!” Jonas exclaimed.

“Oh my fucking God. You all suck.”

Isak texted Even that he was being forced to come to the party and Even replied with a smiley face and the address.

**

Some guys at the door of the party were refusing to let them in because the house was full and there wasn’t any more alcohol. Jonas and Magnus were trying their hardest to convince the guys that they didn’t need more alcohol and they wouldn’t take up much room, but Isak could tell it was a losing battle.

Isak was about to tell them to forget about it, but then he looked inside through the open front door and saw Even. He was leaning against the wall of the living room, talking with Sonja and he looked gorgeous. He looked like he was having fun.

Isak needed to kiss him. Just one kiss, and then he’d drag his friends home.

“Just let me in for a moment. I’ll come right back out.” Isak promised.

Miraculously they let him inside and Isak could have cheered, even though his friends were calling after him with annoyed tones.

_I’m not abandoning you assholes. Chill. I just have a handsome man to kiss._

Isak kept his eyes on Even as he tried to push through the crowds, but it was slow going. It actually was packed in here, and Isak suddenly understood why the guys didn’t want them coming in.

Isak accidentally knocked a drink down the front of a drunk girl’s shirt with his elbow and she started yelling at him. He turned to apologize to her, momentarily distracted, and when he turned back to find Even he froze.

Even was still standing against the wall, but Sonja was gone now. In front of Even stood Mikael and he was standing…way too close; his arms bracketing Even in.

Even was saying something, his arms coming up to touch Mikael’s sides. But his hands stayed there, gently touching Mikael’s waist.

Isak suddenly couldn’t breathe.

It happened so fast. One moment they were _just_ talking, and then…Mikael leaned in and kissed Even, open mouthed. He brought a hand up to touch Even’s cheek, trying to get a stunned Even to kiss back.

Isak was so sure that Even wouldn’t kiss back. That he would push Mikael away or at least move his face. But he didn’t.

Even kissed Mikael back.

Isak turned around, unable to look at it anymore, and he pushed people harder now out of his way; his vision blurred by his tears.

_Out, out, out. I need air._

“Isak.” Someone said from behind him, and then he felt hands on his shoulder. He whirled around, fully expecting to see Even or Mikael.

But it was Sonja.

“Isak, wait. This isn’t…I don’t think Even meant…”

“Don’t make excuses for him.” Isak snapped, shrugging out of her touch and turning back to the main door.

Isak didn’t say anything to his friends who greeted him with confused stares. He didn’t speak the entire time he walked home, Jonas right next to him shooting him worried glances.

Isak ignored the buzzing of his phone.

He ignored the ache in his chest; the wetness on his face.

He tried not to think because if he did he knew he would have to feel what was happening; what was really happening to his world right now.

It was ending.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY! If you have read my other fic 'My Heart is Strong' I had a similar chapter where there was 'cheating' involved and it received a lot of backlash (I'm not mad about it, I still always appreciate feedback BUT) I am hoping that won't happen with this story, or won't turn some of you away, simply because it is Even's POV next chapter and a lot happens that Isak did not see, or feel. There is WAY more behind this than just Even cheating mindlessly on Isak. There is a lot to still be revealed about Even and Mikael's history. So, please bare that in mind if anyone is having reservations about cheating. I do not consider cheating something that is inconsequential, but there are always two sides to a story and we have just touched the surface of this iceberg. (**But I assure you, Evak is here to stay in this fic, and please remember in my initial summary of the fic it says 'Isak and Even learn to see each other'. This is a huge part of the fic and why I want people to have faith in me that the end of this chapter will be explained/continued/evaluated extensively with Even's POV. I also have NOT included 'cheating' tags for a very good reason.***) 
> 
> That may have been a weird explanation, but that's all my brain power has right now. As always, comments are welcome as is feedback. I love you all <3 
> 
> ALSO: I have watched the first 3 seasons of Skam and have seen some spoilers of season 4, but I have not seen season 4 completely (the episodes that have aired). I do not know much about Mikael or if anything is mentioned about his family, but I wanted him to have a brother in my fic. I have no knowledge of Mikael as a character beyond him being Even's old friend and that he and Even had a falling out because of Even trying to kiss him (according to Yousef). But I had planned Mikael to have an overprotective older brother before I started writing the fic, and here we are.


	16. Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Even's POV**
> 
> I cried writing this a few days ago. I edited it today and also shed some tears, so be prepared.

_“Mikael, I don’t think we should do this.”_

_Mikael just rolled his eyes and continued to try and get the lighter to work. Neither of them had ever tried before and it was harder than it looked._

_“Even, don’t be a baby!”_

_“My dad says it isn’t safe. Not for kids.” Even pleaded, trying to push down the anxiety that was crawling up his throat._

_This couldn’t be okay. His dad was going to be so angry at him. Even never wanted to do this in the first place. He hadn’t wanted to steal his father’s lighter from his jacket pocket or go to the store with Mikael’s brother and…_

_Even closed his eyes, wishing this all away._

_It was all Mikael’s fault._

_“We’re not kids. I know what I’m doing. My brother showed me before.”_

_“You’re the one who always says Kunal is a dumbass.” Even argued, wanting to go home. He wanted to see Einar; his chubby cheeks and his small, baby groping hands._

_“Why are you ruining this, Even?” Mikael shouted, visibly angry now. “This trip was supposed to be fun! It was supposed to be an adventure and now you’re just being a whiney baby. Like your brother.”_

_“I’m not a baby!” Even yelled back._

_“Yeah?” Mikael challenged, raising his arms up. “Then prove it.”_

_Right at that moment, Mikael managed to get the lighter to turn on and the flame illuminated his face as he stared at it in a sick kind of fascination._

_“Mikael, I…”_

_“Bring me the fireworks.” Mikael interrupted, his voice stern and commanding and just downright mean._

_He sounded like his brother._

_“We could…we could get_ hurt, _Mikkey.” Even whispered, his hands shaking as he glanced over to the pile of fireworks Kunal had shoved into a duffle bag hours earlier._

_“We won’t, Evy. This is going to be fun. Now bring them here and let’s get the party started.” Mikael smirked, sounding more like himself and it made something in Even break._

_It made him relent and he gave his friend a cautious smile._

_“Come on. Don’t you trust me?” Mikael asked, sincerity in his glance now._

_Even knew it wouldn’t be good to hesitate so he said right away, “Yes. I trust you, Mikael.”_

**

Even was sticking close to Sonja during the party. He couldn’t tell who was here without her. But overall, he’d been having a good time.

He talked to some old classmates who had greeted him fondly, asking how he was and making quips about Nissen; the lower-class version of Bakka, apparently.

Even was laughing. He had been making jokes. He had been having _fun._

But when Sonja said she was going to the bathroom and Even was left alone, everything changed.

Someone approached him; not saying anything right away. But Even could feel the person’s breaths, the warmth of his or her overheated skin in the air between them.

“Um, hello?” Even asked, wanting to know who the person was. He tentatively extended his hand out; seeking.

“You look good, Even.”

Even immediately froze, his hand faltering in mid-air and he couldn’t help the small whimper he let out.

“Mikael.”

Of course it was Mikael. Even would recognize his voice anywhere. He’d spent most of his life listening to the smoothness of it; the dark and smoky laugh.

It was a voice he hadn’t heard in close to a year.

“I didn’t think you’d come.” Mikael observed, and Even could practically taste how close Mikael was now; his body basically pressed against Even’s front.

“You know how Sonja is. She dragged me here.” Even tried going for light-hearted, unsure of what else to do.

He couldn’t read Mikael; the tone of his voice was indecipherable. The closeness of their bodies wasn’t something Even would have expected, considering the last time they had been in a room together Mikael had practically sat as far away as possible.

The last time they spoke Mikael told Even that he never wanted to see him again. He had called Even a freak, a pathetic excuse for a best friend. A _fag._

But _now._

Fuck.

Mikael was putting his hands on the wall on either side of Even’s head, effectively trapping him. And Even couldn’t help but feel scared. Mikael stank of alcohol and he swayed forward too violently to be intentional.

Mikael was only this close because he was drunk. His defenses were down.

Even instinctively put his hands up and they landed on Mikael’s hips, an effort to keep him away. He wanted space between them. He had hoped they could talk properly, but now wasn’t the time for that.

He’d learned his lesson about trying to have important conversations with someone when they were hammered.

But then Mikael sucked in a sharp breath at the contact, pushing into the touch further; thrusting his hips _even_ closer.

_What the hell?_

“God, Even. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry but I just gotta…” Mikael whispered, and Even abruptly just _knew_ what was going to happen.

The way Mikael shifted, his elbows bending and brushing strands of Even’s hair, indicated right away that he was leaning forward. He was coming fast too, the booze making him bolder, making him forget how close they already were.

Mikael then placed a hand on Even’s cheek.

“Mikkey, _no…”_ Even said, but he realized in horror that he had just said the words into Mikael’s mouth; the dark-haired boy already placing an open mouthed kiss on Even’s lips and their lips moved together with Even’s words.

Mikael moaned at the movement, and Even realized with a sickening jolt in his stomach that Mikael thought Even was kissing him _back._

Even tore his mouth away, shoving his head to the side before he braced his hands on Mikael’s chest and pushed him forcefully away. Mikael let out a hurt noise as it sounded like he collided with another person, and Even wasn’t sorry at all.

“No. I said _no,_ Mikael. What the…” Even trailed off, guilt viciously wracking his entire body. He felt the guilt slam through him because he knew that if anyone had seen that it would have looked like Even had kissed back.

And they had been standing so close.

He’d been touching Mikael’s waist for fuck’s sake.

And Isak.

_No. Oh, no._

Isak was supposed to be coming to the party.

Even could have sworn his fingertips started to tingle as he remembered how Isak’s lips felt underneath his hands; how plump they were. How Isak had smiled into their last kiss before Even had gone to the party tonight.

Tonight. Oh, _fuck._ Tonight and the whole day with Isak had been wonderful. It had been more than Even had ever dreamed. Isak had been okay with Even being bipolar. He hadn’t flinched away at Even’s confession or called Even names or tried to _leave._

Isak was the most beautiful person Even had ever _seen._

And now…

What if…what if Isak had just _seen_ him?

“Even, I…” Mikael slurred, back in front of Even again and Even couldn’t help but back away; thumping his head on the wall. “Fuck. I’m drunk.”

Even was suddenly so fucking angry he could hardly take in a breath.

“What the fuck? Why would you…? I thought you didn’t…” Even couldn’t pick a coherent sentence to go with.

He was too fucking speechless.

“Where’s your new boyfriend? Hm? Is he here?” Mikael asked, putting a hand on Even’s chin and tilting his face up.

Once again, Even tore his face out of Mikael’s hold and this time he tried to put some space between them; trying to get out into the hallway that was off of the living room.

“Mikael, _stop it.”_

There were so many people everywhere. Even could barely move an inch. He didn’t know the house. Didn’t know what was in front of him, and people kept shoving past him; knocking him over, nearly making him fall.

“But I wanna see him.” Mikael continued, and Even felt Mikael’s hands settle on his back in an attempt to steady Even; like he was actually being _helpful._

“ _Stop.”_ Even begged, trying to shrug out of the embrace; wishing he could just see where the fuck he was going.

He wanted to run away.

But he’d never been able to run away from Mikael.

Ever.

**

“ _On the count of three, I’m going to light it. And you have to hold onto it, okay?”_

_“What? No! We’re not supposed to hang onto fireworks when they’re lit, Mikkey!”_

_“Trust me.”_

_Even couldn’t help but tear up, sniffling. He was back to being scared again. “I just want to go home.”_

_Mikael shook his head.  “You’re such a baby. I wished I’d picked a better best friend. I shouldn’t have brought you with me.”_

_The words cut through Even like a knife and he dropped the firework on the ground, watching the exposed tip get buried under some dirt._

_“Maybe_ you _should be a better friend.” Even cried, not bothering to hide his tears now. He turned around and began running away. He wanted to go home, but he knew he couldn't. Instead, he ran towards the hotel across the field where Mikael's family was; lights on in many of the windows._

_He’d only just begun to run when he heard Mikael call his name._

_“Even, wait!”_

_And for some stupid reason, Even stopped. He stopped and blinked the tears away, taking one last look towards the windows of the hotel, tinted orange and inviting, before he turned around._

_He turned and expected to see Mikael behind him. But all he saw, in a fast flash of white and_ hot _light, was the firework that was heading directly towards his face._

**

“I want to see him, Evy.” Mikael slurred, his clammy hands dampening Even’s shirt where he still continued to hang on.

Even had stopped trying to get through the crowds. It was impossible. He was all turned around, overwhelmed and feeling desperate.

His eyes had filled with tears, hidden behind his sunglasses.

_I just want Isak._

“I want to see the guy who made you get over me.” Mikael scoffed, as if he didn’t believe it; as if Even couldn’t possibly love Isak.

Even didn’t want Mikael to see Isak. He didn’t want Isak to be interrogated with Mikael’s eyes, that stare that Mikael had. The one that said so many things. Even had been a victim of it before; it dripped of judgement and disgust.

_You’re such a baby._ Even had always disappointed Mikael.

“You know I loved you too, right?” Mikael asked, gripping the fabric of Even’s shirt in his fist and turning him around. Even was unable to shake him off this time; his drunken state giving him more strength than Even could overpower.

“I did, Even. I did.”

How many years had Even dreamt of hearing that? How many nights had he spent wide awake, holding his pillow close to him and wishing it was Mikael?

A million times he’d imagined Mikael holding _him_ , embracing him; whispering those words. _I love you. I do._

But now. Even wanted to take the words and stomp on them with his foot; crunch them into the earth. Cover them. Bury them.

Mikael didn’t know the first thing about love.

And Even knew that now. He knew it because _he_ loved someone, and he knew what it was like to have someone love you back. Properly. Not just…keep you around as a…plaything; something to amuse yourself with only when you felt the urge.

Had that been what their friendship was? Had Even been so blinded by his feelings for Mikael all these years that he hadn’t even noticed what kind of person Mikael actually was?

Even thought back to his past, to _the day_ , somehow unable to stop his spiralling thoughts.

Mikael had been there for Even after what happened. He’d been…so remorseful. His voice was the first thing Even heard when he’d woken up at the hospital, wrapped up in gauze like a mummy.

“ _It was an accident. I swear. I would never hurt Even!”_

Even had reached for him in the darkness, somehow just knowing he’d never see Mikael again. Not really. Not…the way he was used to.

He wanted to try and see him in a different way. Maybe…touch him? Trace his features with his hands.

Once they were alone, parents gone down to get some food from the hospital cafeteria, Mikael sat beside his bed and Even had tried; tried to see him in a new way. He just wanted him close.

_“Let me see you.”_

_”You can’t see anything anymore, stupid.”_

Fuck.

Even let out a soft cry, the memory hurting worse than anything Mikael could do to him physically right now.

Everything had been…

“ _You can’t ever have sex with a girl now, Even. You won’t be able to see the hole to put it in!”_

Even had never _truly_ thought about…

“ _I could call you Scarface, because of that ugly thing across your eyebrows. Maybe that’s why your dad left, huh?”_

He’d never thought about Mikael like this. He’d never been conscious witness to his…cruelty. His anger. His need to manipulate whatever was in his hands, whatever was helpless and different and smaller.

Even had always just…loved Mikael. He’d loved him and he’d taken it and he’d accepted it, especially after he went blind.

The teasing. The off-hand comments. The remarks about his appearance, his mother, his brother, school.

Being gay.

The way he’d hug Even just a bit too tight, tease him. Even always thought Mikael felt the same…maybe wanted him too. Mikael touched him so much, but never lingered. Enough to keep Even wishing, hoping…yearning for more.

But Mikael always pulled away. And then he’d always come back.

And here he was again. Coming back. Teasing.

Teasing with a _kiss_ this time, no less. And those words; those words that months ago would have made Even melt, would have made him crumble to his knees in relief; in excitement.

But Even saw it, the memory of that hot light coming towards him, propelled by Mikael’s strong arm. And he shook with the force of the blow like it had just happened all over again; finally, _finally,_ seeing him.

“Don’t you want me, Even? Isn’t this what you wanted?” Mikael asked, getting closer and closer and…

“Enough!”

Even stumbled forward a little as Mikael suddenly let go of his shirt; or rather, as he was forced to let go of Even’s shirt by a tiny, blonde force of nature named Sonja.

“Don’t you fucking touch him! Get the hell away!” She screamed.

Even didn’t know what Sonja was doing, if she was kicking Mikael or pushing him, but he also knew she could handle herself. He knew it and he was so fucking grateful as he sagged to the ground, holding his knees to his chest.

He wasn’t moving an inch from here until she came back.

“Even?”

The voice was above him and he tilted his face up. “Sonja?”

“No. It’s Sana.”

Even felt her sit down next to him and she put her smooth hand on his knee. He didn’t hold back the tears now, knowing full well people would probably be staring at him weirdly.

“I need…I need to call Isak. Have you seen him?” Even asked, trying to speak clearly through his sobs.

_You’re a baby. You’re a baby._

_Weak. Weak._

_Baby._

Even pulled his phone out of his pocket and tried to hear it speak to him, but the music was too loud. It was too noisy in here.

He couldn’t breathe.

“Even, shh. Calm down.” Sana said, reaching out and taking his phone out of his hands. “I’ll do it.”

“Did you see him? Was he here? He’s supposed to be coming.” Even asked, just as Sana put the phone back to his ear.

She was silent.

Ominously silent.

“Sana?”

The phone rang and rang and rang. But Isak didn’t pick up.

“He was here.” She said at last, just as Even heard the beginning of Isak’s recorded message.

Voicemail.

“Wait…he was here?”

Even didn’t leave a message. He put the phone back in Sana’s hands, feeling his heart thundering inside his chest. He was worried it might explode.

“Sana! Please!” Even shouted, fear creeping its way up his spine.

But he already knew what she was going to say. He knew it.

“That motherfucking asshole!” Sonja interrupted, kneeling down in front of Even. “Are you okay? Even? I’m sorry I wasn’t here. I went outside. And I…”

“Isak was here?” Even asked, his voice small now.

Sana still hadn’t said anything.

“Even, _shit._ Don’t worry too much, okay? I’m sure…”

“Just tell me. One of you just tell me!” Even pleaded, tearing the sunglasses off his face so that he could wipe the tears that were flowing endlessly out of his eyes.

Sana wrapped both her arms around Even and held him tight.

“I ran after him. He was here and he…he saw.” Sonja said, her hands also embracing Even; helping wipe the residue of his tears.

Isak _saw._

He’d seen.

Isak had seen more of Even that anyone else on Earth, and Even had loved every second of it.

But right at this moment, he wished Isak was blind too.

He wished Isak could only see Even when his eyes were closed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments always welcome and appreciated :) 
> 
> I know up until this point, Even has always discussed his friendship with Mikael as a good thing. And now it may seem that all of a sudden Mikael is this horrible person.. but I was trying to get across that by Mikael coming up to Even and kissing him at the party it sparked a flood of memories within Even - memories that are painful and reveal Mikael's true character. I am going to get into their past again a bit more thoroughly in coming chapters (including another of Even's POV), but I just wanted to make a note of it in case it seems like it's coming out of left field or is not explained in a lot of detail.


	17. Change Your Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sana to the rescue :)

Isak was sitting on his bed, phone in his hand, and he didn’t know what to do.

He could see that Even kept calling him.

Over and over and over his phone was ringing. And a huge part of him wanted to pick up, demand an explanation, yell and cry and swear.

But he didn’t want to yell at Even. He didn’t _want_ to be angry.

He was mostly just…sad. Sadder than he could remember being in a long time, and the feeling pressed down on his ribs; leaving him out of breath.

Magnus and Jonas had tried calling too. And then Jonas was leaving about a thousand text messages, asking again and again what happened and if Isak was okay. He’d walked Isak home and Isak had told him to leave as soon as they’d got there; that he was fine he just needed to go upstairs and lie down.

“Isak, you look like _hell,_ man. What happened?” Jonas had prodded, his face lined with worry and apprehension. “Did Even say something?”

“I just…I can’t talk about it now.” Isak had whispered, turning around and walking inside without another word.

And he’d been sitting in the same spot for an hour; clutching his phone, ignoring the messages, seeing about fifteen new voicemail notifications appear.

He didn’t know what came next.

“Isak?”

Apparently Eskild knocking on his door came next.

“Isak, someone is here to see you.”

Isak stood up, his heart leaping into his throat. Fuck. He couldn’t see Even right now. He couldn’t…talk to him right at this second because he was going to say something he would regret. His head wasn’t clear enough to have a conversation.

“Tell Even to leave. Please?” Isak said, his voice small and weak.

“It’s not Even.” Eskild replied, sounding about as surprised as Isak felt.

Oh.

Who else then?

“Jonas?”

“Nope.” Eskild sighed. “Are you going to guess the names of everyone you know or can I just let her in?”

_Her?_

Isak’s curiosity got the better of him and he walked to his door, opening it just a little bit and peering out. Standing beside a troubled-looking Eskild was Sana, her eyebrows raised as she stared at Isak.

“Come in.” Isak nodded, opening his door wider this time so Sana had room.

“I’m making us all tea.” Eskild announced, and Isak flashed a smile before he closed the door and turned on his light.

He’d been sitting in darkness because he was dramatic sometimes.

Sana bit her bottom lip, looking awkward as she stood. Isak motioned for her to sit at his desk and she sat down, plunking her bag on the floor and sighing.

“Look, Isak.” She began. “I wanted to make sure you’re all right. I know you aren’t answering anyone and Even was worried.”

Isak sat down on his bed, facing her, and looked at the floor.

He still didn’t feel angry at Even. It would only be natural that he should be angry, pissed that his boyfriend had been kissing someone else. But now…Isak just felt _bad_ for worrying Even.

“He’s worried?” Isak squeaked.

“Yeah, he is. He knows what you saw and he’s scared of what you think of him now.” Sana said, looking at him seriously; her no-bullshit stare controlling every feature of her face.

Isak met her eyes and gave a small shrug.

“I saw him kissing someone else. I…that’s all I think right now. It’s all I keep seeing in my head. Over and over.” Isak admitted.

“I didn’t see what happened exactly. I didn’t see any kissing.” Sana said. “But I saw what happened right after you left, and…I wanted to come and explain some things to you.”

Isak knew that Sana and Even were friends, had been close. He figured that she must know a lot about Even and Mikael’s friendship, so Isak was willing to listen to her.

He trusted Sana. They were becoming good friends.

“I take it you know who it was that was…kissing Even?” She asked, looking cautious.

Isak nodded.

“Okay. So, Mikael is friends with my brother, Elias. And since Mikael was friends with Even, they all hung out together. I’d see them at my house a lot, ever since I was small. They were all close, and we’d often go vacationing together. All our families.” Sana began, sighing and looking down at her hands.

“Elias told me a long time ago that he thought Even loved Mikael. He always figured that Even and Mikael had a special bond. They were always together. And after what happened with Even, they were like one person. Even and Mikael were never without the other.

“Elias never cared about Even potentially being gay. Neither did any of their other friends in their group. The only one who ever seemed to care was Mikael’s older brother Kunal. He was kind of…weird. He hung out with us even though we were younger than him, and he was often saying really hurtful things.” Sana shook her head in disgust. “I don’t know where Kunal got all these ideas, but…he often pushed them on Mikael. He said gay people were disgusting and that men who were gay weren’t real men. He said gay men were babies.”

Isak tucked his feet underneath him, listening closely.

“My point is…I think Mikael was poisoned by his brother. He…seemed to change a lot the summer before Even’s accident. Mikael became…harsh. Elias noticed a change in him, and I remember him talking with Even about it one day at our house. Even said that Mikael was sometimes mean, sometimes rough when they played, but he also _always_ stood up for Mikael. Even rarely ever said anything against him, even when Elias was worried Mikael was…leading Even on.”

“Leading him on?” Isak asked, confused.

“Mikael made it seem like he loved Even too. He was always touching him and hugging him, but then he’d make gay jokes behind his back and tease Even for being…I don’t know, _girly._ Elias and his friends stopped speaking to Mikael for a while because they didn’t agree with how he was behaving. They walked away. Elias still thinks Mikael is…cruel. Mikael gives people the wrong impression of their entire friend group.” Sana explained.

“And what does this have to do with…” Isak asked, trailing off.

“I don’t know how much Even has told you about what happened with Mikael. But they haven’t talked in a long time.” Sana continued. “The party was the first time they’d seen each other in close to a year.”

Isak nodded. “Even told me.”

Sana seemed relieved by this news.

“Even told me that Mikael pushed him into the kiss. Mikael…forced him. And I heard Mikael saying certain things to Even, stuff like ‘I loved you too.’ It seemed like Mikael was fucking with his head. And he wouldn’t let him walk away. Even was trying to leave after he pushed Mikael off, but…”

“Wait.” Isak interrupted. “Even pushed him away?”

“Yes. The second Mikael tried something he pushed him off. I think you left before you saw that, but Even told him to stop because he knew Mikael was drunk.” Sana rolled her eyes at that. “That’s another thing Elias can’t stand about Mikael. He drinks _a lot.”_

“Is that considered wrong?” Isak inquired hesitantly.

“Generally it is. I know Mikael’s parents wouldn’t want him drinking. But my point is…Mikael has never been the greatest friend to Even. I think Even had an idea in his head about Mikael for a long time that wasn’t true. And tonight, I saw Even _realize_ it. I could see him putting the pieces together and he could see the picture of Mikael clearly. And it…broke him.” Sana whispered the last words, clearly upset.

“He…what happened?” Isak pleaded, the idea of Even breaking down tearing a piece of his heart out of his chest.

“I’ve never seen him like that, Isak. It was like he couldn’t…move. He couldn’t think and he just kept trying to call you. All he wanted was you.”

_Fuck._

Even hadn’t wanted to kiss Mikael. He hadn’t meant for it to happen.

“So, do you think Mikael did love Even too? Or he just said that to mess with him?” Isak asked. “Even told me Mikael freaked out when Even tried to kiss him, but he also always suspected that Mikael loved him back.”

Sana shook her head. “I don’t know, Isak. I don’t know their whole story or Mikael’s feelings. I only know what I’ve seen and what Elias has told me, and tonight…Tonight was painful to watch. Tonight, I understood why Elias doesn’t want people to think that _he’s_ like Mikael. I understood why people have said in the past that Mikael is mean. Maybe he’s been trying to live up to his brother’s image of him. Maybe he _has_ wanted to express his love for Even but doesn’t know how. I don’t think it matters. I think what matters is that…Even needs you. And I wanted to tell you this so you maybe have some sense of what happened tonight before jumping to conclusions.”

Isak stood up abruptly and walked over to Sana. She also stood up to meet him.

“Thank you.” He said. “Thanks for coming here.”

“No problem. I’ve always liked Even and I want him to be happy. _You_ make him the happiest I’ve ever seen, and I didn’t want to see that ruined because of a misunderstanding.”

Eskild knocked on the door again and hollered, “Tea is ready!”

“Are you going to see Even?” Sana asked, heading out into the kitchen to meet Eskild.

“Yeah. You coming too?”

“No. I’d like to have some tea.”

“I’m glad someone appreciates my efforts!” Eskild beamed, placing a steaming cup in front of Sana. “Go to your love, Isak.”

“Eavesdrop much?” Isak huffed out a laugh.

“You talk loud!”

Isak shot another grateful glance at Sana before he grabbed his keys and ran out the door.

**

“Isak?”

Even had picked up after the first ring.

“Even, where are you? Are you home?” Isak asked, out of breath from running to catch the tram.

“You called back.” Even stated, sounding completely shocked.

Isak felt the guilt sitting in his stomach.

_I just want to feel you._

“Even, _baby,_ where are you?”

“Home. I’m home.”

“I’m on my way.”

**

When Isak got to Even’s house, he knocked on the door softly. He expected Astrid or Einar to answer, but when the door opened he immediately saw Sonja’s face. She gave him a soft smile and pulled him into a hug.

“I’m so fucking glad you called him, Isak.” She whispered, and Isak reached up to hug her back.

“Is he all right?”

“No, but I think now that you’re here he’s going to be significantly better.” Sonja said, pulling back. Isak could see that she had been crying.

She cared about her friend a lot.

“I’m sorry I…”

“Don’t.” Sonja shook her head. “It’s all right. He’s in his room.” She grabbed her purse that was next to the door and put her shoes on.

“You’re leaving?”

“Yeah. Call me if you need something though, okay? I don’t live far.”

“All right.”

Isak waited until she left before he turned around and headed towards Even’s room, the door closed but light visible through the space underneath. Isak didn’t bother knocking.

Even was sitting at his desk, hands folded on top, and he tilted his head up immediately when Isak walked in. Isak let out a soft, hurt noise before he walked straight over to Even and wrapped him in a hug.

Even let out a surprised sound as he hugged Isak back, and before Isak knew what was going on he had ended up in Even’s lap, legs _and_ arms now wrapped around his favourite person in the world.

They were both sobbing now, and Isak didn’t spare a thought to how ridiculous they probably looked. He didn’t give a fuck.

“Isak, Isak. I’m sorry.” Even was saying, clinging to Isak like Isak was about to disappear.

“Shh, I’m here. I’m _here.”_

Even brought his hands up to touch Isak’s face, feeling and seeing his tears; brushing them away as they both calmed down, their sobs turning into harsh breaths.

“Don’t cry. I can’t stand to see you cry.” Even whispered.

“Well, I don’t want to see _you_ cry either.” Isak said, wiping the tears from underneath Even’s eyes as well. The skin around his eyes was extra puffy and red now.

“I thought…I thought you’d hate me, Isak.” Even sniffed. “I didn’t think you’d talk to me again.”

“I always want to talk to you, Even.”

“But, you saw…”

“I know.” Isak cut him off, putting his fingers on Even’s lips. “ _I know._ But I want to hear your side. I want to listen.”

Even wrapped his fingers around Isak’s wrist and placed a kiss on Isak’s palm.

“You don’t want to leave?”

Isak moved forward and kissed Even’s mouth, lightly and quickly. A reminder that leaving was the last thing in the world he wanted to do.

“I want to be _here.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even and Isak are going to be having a good, long talk next chapter. Also, Even's POV is going to return. 
> 
> Comments always welcome and appreciated! :)


	18. Underneath the Stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter of Even's POV.

_Even was sitting next to Elias on his back porch, the bandages around his eyes finally off and he could feel the air on his skin. It was nice to not be in so much pain; to have some part of him finally healed._

_Elias was talking about something funny that had happened with his parents last night at dinner, brushing shoulders with Even every now and then._

_Even really enjoyed Elias’s company. He liked talking to him; the easy nature of their conversations. And it hadn’t changed just because he couldn’t see him._

_“You’re coming back to school, right?” Elias suddenly asked, putting his hand on Even’s knee and keeping it there. It was something he did when he was trying to comfort Even, let him know it was okay to be honest._

_Even always appreciated it._

_“I think so.”_

_“You’re going to learn to read braille, right? That can’t be too hard. I bet you’ll kick ass at it in no time.” Elias said, and Even could almost see the smile on his face._

_Almost._

_“Thanks, Elias.” Even said, putting his own hand on top of Elias’s._

_“No problem. Hey, you staying for dinner? I’ll tell Mom.”_

_“Yeah, sure. I just have to call my mom and let her know not to pick me up.”_

_“Awesome. Let’s go inside.” Elias stood up and immediately reached down to help Even, leading him towards the backyard door._

_Even was still getting used to walking around, trying to find his bearings; letting people help him. He felt stupid sometimes, holding onto people, but most of his friends didn’t mind._

_“Do you want to invite Mikael over too?” Even asked, a natural question for him._

_It wasn’t often he did anything without Mikael._

_Elias didn’t say anything at first as they got inside, and Even wondered for a second if maybe he hadn’t heard the question._

_“Um, about that.” Elias said, showing Even where the phone was on the wall. “I’m not exactly hanging out with Mikael right now.”_

_Even frowned. “Why?”_

_Elias didn’t say anything again, and it was frustrating to Even that he couldn’t see Elias properly, couldn’t read him. He didn’t know what kind of facial expression he was making._

_“Mikael is just…he’s…”_

_“What?” Even asked, still annoyed._

_“I know he’s your best friend or whatever, and that’s fine. But the stuff he says sometimes, it’s not okay. I don’t think it’s okay.” Elias muttered, letting out a long sigh._

_“What stuff? What do you mean?”_

_“He’s always cracking jokes about everything, Even. You heard him the other day. He was making fun of you for being blind. That’s not…that’s not right.”_

_Even was confused now, but also amused because Mikael had been kidding around. He was always just kidding around._

_“He’s just like that. You know. Mikael. He’s just…he likes to say dumb things.”_

_“I guess.” Elias said coldly. “But that doesn’t mean I have to stick around and listen.”_

_Even wanted to ask something else, try and understand if this meant Elias and everyone weren’t ever going to talk to Mikael again, but then Elias’s parents and sister walked into the room and greeted Even fondly; happy that he was staying for dinner._

_Even forgot about Mikael for the night; forgot that his life was entirely changed, that something felt like it had been taken from him._

_He forgot because he was around kind and amazing people._

**

“I hadn’t noticed.” Even said, hands clinging to Isak as they sat on his floor; in the same spot that they had been for the past hour. “I know it sounds so fucking stupid, but I didn’t notice.”

“What did you not notice?” Isak asked, his voice soft.

“ _Mikael.”_ Even whispered. “I never really let myself see him for the person he was. Instead, I built him up in my mind.”

“What did he do?”

Even was still figuring it out, still trying to put all the pieces together. He’d remembered a lot when Mikael had tried to kiss him, things he hadn’t thought about for _years._ He remembered Mikael teasing him, making fun of him.

He remembered people telling him again and again that Mikael was no saint; that he could be mean and offensive. But he hadn’t listened, hadn’t believed it.

Because despite all the jabs and the unnecessary comments, Mikael had been nice to Even too. That wasn’t suddenly a lie. Even _knew_ that Mikael had been there for him during some difficult times.

Mikael, even though blatantly pointing out that Even’s father left their family because Even was blind and he couldn’t cope, also said over and over again that Even’s father was an asshole for doing it. Mikael always said that.

_“You’re father’s a prick for running off on you and your brother. Einar is only a baby. What kind of man does that?”_

Even could hear those words plain as day in his head.

But he also heard the other things.

The comments about gay people. Hundreds of those. Even remembered feeling like Mikael had punched him every time Mikael made a gay joke. It hurt, but for some reason, some pathetic reason, Even always wished that Mikael only said it because he couldn’t cope with his own feelings.

Tale as old as time, right? The guy who denounces homosexuality the most turns out to be the one who is actually gay.

Even had imagined himself as the one who would change Mikael’s mind; the one who would open Mikael’s heart to being okay with himself. And then they could have been together.

It seemed stupid now. Stupid to imagine that Even should have had to do that to be with someone. It was stupid to think that Even had been in love with Mikael, when in reality…he’d been in love with the idea of having someone be in love with him.

“You were a kid.” Isak said, clutching onto Even’s hands. “You were young and…you had someone that meant a lot to you. It’s not stupid to think you were in love with him.” 

Isak’s sincerity made Even believe that Isak understood him on a personal level.

“Jonas?” Even asked, knowing he didn’t need to explain his question.

Isak chuckled. “That obvious, huh?”

“Maybe a little. The way you talk about him gives it away.”

“But it was the same kind of situation. I _wanted_ to believe that Jonas wanted me back. Every touch, every kind word, every compliment just screamed out to me; made me think that one day he’d admit that he loved me too.” Isak explained.

“But he never…?”

“Of course not.” Isak snickered. “Jonas is as straight as an arrow. But my point is, you’re not stupid.”

“But I feel stupid for not realizing how Mikael acted. I feel stupid for managing to keep this perfect image of him in my head despite reality being right in front of my nose. Sana’s brother told me multiple times that I should consider how Mikael was, what kind of person he was. But I didn’t listen.”

Even was so grateful that Isak was listening, that he’d given Even a chance. Even knew that he wouldn’t have been able to cope with losing Isak.

He couldn’t cope with having something else snatched away from him.

**

**2 years ago**

_Even had never been able to ask Mikael why._

_Why had he thrown the firework at Even?_

_Even didn’t ask, couldn’t ask, because he was afraid of the answer. He didn’t let himself dwell on it for too long and eventually he’d forget about it. Months would go by when he wouldn’t even think about it._

_But for the past few days, all Even could do was think about it. Because he was coming to realize that he had never told anyone the truth about what happened that night in the field._

_He’d never been able to say the words, “Mikael threw the firework at me.”_

_He hadn’t told his parents. Elias. The guys. Sonja._

_The story was always the same. “We were playing with fireworks and I was holding it when it went off.”_

_That had been Even’s idea, actually. He figured that if he said the other version, his other fleeting thought, Mikael would get in trouble. And it had to have been an accident, right? Mikael wouldn’t have thrown it on purpose into Even’s face._

_Right?_

_But now, as Even sat with Mikael at the theatre, he suddenly had the urge to ask. It was four years to the date that Even went blind and for some reason, he needed to know._

_“I can’t believe you still like movies so much.” Mikael chuckled, and Even could hear him munching on popcorn._

_“I haven’t lost my hearing.” Even pointed out._

_“Yeah, but…it’s like watching a movie with your eyes closed. What’s the point?”_

_Even chose to ignore that comment._

_“I want to ask you something.”_

_“All right.”_

_“You threw the firework at me.” Even stated, and Mikael stopped chewing._

_“Ugh, that isn’t much of a question, Ev.”_

_“I want to know why.” Even made it simple, laid it out there in black and white._

_Mikael made an irritated sound and shoved the popcorn bag into Even’s hands. “Even, come on. This was a lifetime ago.”_

_“But I deserve an answer. I never asked you, but I’m asking now.”_

_“Why? Why does it matter?”_

_“It just does.”_

_Mikael sighed. “I wanted you to stay. I was angry that you were leaving and so I lit the firework as you were running. I wanted to throw it up into the sky to show you how cool fireworks are. But…I didn’t throw it right. I threw it too low and it blew up in your face.”_

_Even thought about that for a long moment, not answering._

_“Even?”_

_“So, you didn’t throw it into my face intentionally?”_

_“What the fuck?” Mikael snapped, close to shouting. “What the fuck kind of monster do you think I am, Even? You think I wanted to make my best friend blind?”_

_Even shook his head, immediately feeling guilty._

_“No, Mik.”_

_The commercials before the movie started and Mikael didn’t say anything else, but Even could feel the tension between them now. Part of him wished that he hadn’t said anything at all._

_As the movie started, Even gave up on the idea that they would talk anymore about it. One, because the movie was starting and they were supposed to keep quiet for the next two hours anyways. And two, because Mikael didn’t like to talk about things for long. Any conversation that led to feelings always turned him off._

_But just as Even settled in to listen to the film, imagine the actor’s faces, he felt Mikael put his hand on top of his._

_And Mikael kept his hand there. For a long time. Nearly five minutes._

_Even didn’t breathe. Didn’t move a fucking inch. Nearly passed out from how quickly his heart was beating._

_“You’re the one thing that matters to me, Even. Don’t ever think otherwise.” Mikael leaned over and whispered, squeezing Even’s hand before he took it away._

_Even felt the contact even after they’d walked out of the theatre, the words Mikael said running through his mind on repeat._

**

“What did you mean when you said it was Mikael’s fault?” Isak asked, head pillowed on Even’s chest as they lied on top of a blanket fort they had made.

That had been entirely Isak’s idea, by the way.

Even took in a breath, thinking about how to explain this. It was the first time he would be telling the story, the _real_ story, and he wanted to get it right. Isak deserved the truth, and now that he thought about it, Even owed it to himself to be honest too.

He’d spent enough time _not_ telling himself the truth.

“When I was thirteen, Mikael’s family was going to the States for something to do with his father’s work. Mikael said it was mostly just going to be a two week vacation for him and his brother, and he invited me along. We were going to be there for the fourth of July, and Mikael said he wanted to celebrate.”

Even could remember the plane ride clearly. He sat next to Mikael who was in the window seat, and he let Even lean over him as they took off so he could see the ground disappear.

“ _I like feeling small. Being in a plane really shows you how small you are compared to the rest of the world.”_

Even hadn’t really looked away from Mikael’s face.

“When we got there, we stayed in a hotel with a pool and for a few days all we did was go swimming. We swam and ordered room service and Mikael’s parents let us go to an amusement park. It was kind of awesome, considering we were thirteen and I’d never been out of Oslo before.

“But then, Kunal made us come with him to a department store. He said he was going to buy some snacks and camping chairs for us to sit out and watch the…watch the…”

_Fireworks._ Just say the word, Even.

“Fireworks?” Isak asked, moving so he could look up at Even.

“Yeah.” Even nodded. “When we got there, though, it became pretty clear that Kunal wanted to steal some fireworks. He told us it would be fun and that we would make our own show, rather than just watch one.”

Even felt Isak tense up, and he figured Isak was putting the pieces together.

“Mikael was excited about it, especially after Kunal got away with stealing a whole bunch of them. But I was scared. I didn’t want to do it. That night, Mikael and I snuck out of the hotel room without Kunal and went into the field behind the hotel. We were near a major highway and so there was a lot of open space behind the hotel and a few of the neighbouring stores…”

“Even, you don’t have to…”

“I want to, Isak.” Even interrupted, silent tears streaming down his face.

He knew that fact that he was crying is what was making Isak reassure him that he didn’t have to tell Isak the whole story, but now that Even had started he just _needed_ to go on.

He had to.

“I chickened out. I told Mikael that I didn’t want to try and light the fireworks because I was worried that we would get hurt. I was worried that Mikael was too confident in himself, too brainwashed by his brother to really think clearly. So, I tried to run away. I tried to get back to the hotel…”

Even let himself remember it now. The experience of standing in that quiet field, the only sound a mosquito beside his head, as he turned around with the expectation of seeing Mikael.

He had just wanted to see his friend. His best friend. He wanted to see Mikael smiling and saying that he understood, that he would come back with Even, and that they could just forget about it.

But what he’d seen, the very _last_ thing he’d ever seen and would ever see again, was that firework. The firework that exploded right in front of his face before Even had a chance to move out of the way.

“Mikael threw a firework at me. He told me a few years ago that it was an accident, and I had always believed it to be. He said he wanted to throw the firework up and have it go off so I could see that he could do it; that _we_ could do it together and it would be safe. But, it went off…” Even choked, biting down hard on his bottom lip.

“Oh, Even.” Isak whispered, and he was crying too.

They turned into crying messes again as Isak reached up and touched Even’s eyes, the rough, damaged skin; the result of the firework. Isak pushed himself up so he was level with Even’s face and he peppered light, soft kisses all over Even’s face.

“I love you, I love you, I love you.” Isak kept saying, just like he had in the pool. Only this time, the wetness on Even’s face was entirely from their combined tears.

“I never told anyone.” Even continued. “I never said that Mikael threw it at me. I don’t know why. I don’t even know if he told me the truth. I don’t _know_ if it was an accident or not.”

Isak hesitated a second before he asked, “Does it matter? Will it make a difference to know?”

“I don’t know why but it feels like it _does_ matter. Maybe it’s just because I’m only now realizing this other side to Mikael that I can’t help but question everything. I can’t help but doubt… _him._ I can’t overlook anything.” Even admitted, closing his eyes. “But, I don’t think I’ll ever truly know.”

“Can I tell you what I know?” Isak asked, his voice kind as he pressed a lingering kiss to Even’s lips.

“Yes.” Even breathed out, wanting to chase the kiss.

“I know that you _survived_. I know that you realized something about your past that’s painful, and it might take some time to move on from it. But I also know that one day, you’ll be able to move on. You _will._

“I know that you might not have Mikael anymore, but you have other people in your life who care about you so much. Your mom. Your brother. Sana and Sonja. _Me._ I know I’m new in your life, but I also know how much I love you. How easy it is to love you.” Isak paused, breathing heavily.

Even reached up to feel Isak’s face and he could tell immediately that Isak was blushing.

“And I know that you are the kindest, bravest, funniest, most beautiful person I have ever known. Whatever you need, whatever you decide you have to do to try and move on…I’m _here._ I don’t want to be anywhere else.”

Isak hadn’t even finished his speech before Even reached up and pulled Isak into a hug, rolling the shorter boy on top of him. He kissed Isak’s neck and his face, making his way to Isak’s mouth before ravaging it; trying to put everything he was feeling into the kiss.

“I’m so glad I met you, Isak. I’m so fucking glad.”

**

Isak would probably never fully understand what his presence in Even’s life had done. Even couldn’t really express it because it had been too monumental.

But the day Isak had bumped into Even in that hallway, it was like their meet-cute had breathed fresh air into Even’s lungs. Until that moment, Even hadn’t remembered what it was to breathe _properly;_ what it was to live.

Even had never been so alone in his life, had never had to try and start over the way he was trying to do coming to Nissen. But he knew he didn’t have any friends at this school, he didn’t know the layout of the school, and he didn’t know if it was even worth trying to graduate.

It was easier to just stay home like he had done since his episode, since his breakdown and fallout with Mikael.

But Isak…that boy…that voice. He had made Even _try._

For the first time in a long time, Even _wanted._ He yearned for something. He had a mission, a purpose. And he hated clichés about living for someone or for someone else’s sake, but for a little while…Isak _was_ his purpose.

Getting to meet and know Isak was his purpose.

Isak’s voice was like a crisp fall day. Even’s favourite time of year, and it was fitting they had met in the fall. It was entirely obscene how everything had fallen into place.

But it had been amazing. Beyond anything Even ever expected.

_Love_ was beyond anything Even expected. Real love; the kind that fits like a glove in your hands and cradles you, rocks you gently to the beat of your other half’s heart.

Isak made Even think in clichés, in poetry. And he wouldn’t change it for the world.

Isak fell asleep in Even’s arms, in the blanket fort, and Even knew he would drift off soon too. But he wanted to change something before he did; take a first step in the healing process he knew he would have to walk through.

He wanted to change that last memory. He didn’t want to think about that firework as the last thing he could remember seeing.

So he focused hard as his hands clenched around the fabric of Isak’s shirt, the younger boy’s light snores making him smile. He thought hard about the perfect fall day; the colours, the smells. The sugary sweetness of cinnamon, the sun making the leaves pop in their homes of orange and yellow.

He focused and focused until that was the last memory; the thing he thought of when he remembered having his sight.

He thought of fall.

But now, fall wasn’t just a season. It was _Isak._

The softness of his hair like the softness of the decaying leaves. Isak’s smile like a big wool scarf wrapped around your neck. Isak’s blush like the heat of a mug of hot chocolate in your hands.

Isak was fall and Isak was Even’s, and the firework was nothing; a simple star in the sky. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter doesn't seem too all over the place, but I wanted to show how Even is trying to remember certain things and put the pieces together for himself. He's really trying to discover Mikael's character, but his memories are mixed. I wanted him to explore his emotions and his various memories as he lets himself feel what he hasn't felt before. 
> 
> Comments always welcome and appreciated! :)


	19. I'll Look After You

Isak woke up to Einar jumping into Even’s bed, putting himself between Even and Isak and then proceeding to snuggle up into the circle of Even’s arms where Isak had just been a moment ago.

“Good morning stinky.” Even mumbled, not opening his eyes as he pulled Einar closer to him. Isak rolled onto his side so he could watch the brothers and he couldn’t help but smile.

“Morning weirdo.” Einar replied.

“That wasn’t very nice kicking Isak out.” Even mumbled, raising his eyebrows and smirking.

“He was in _my_ spot!”

“It’s his spot now too. You gotta share the snuggles.” Even replied, reaching down and tickling Einar’s sides, making Einar erupt in laughter.

“Stop, Evy! Stop!”

“Not until you apologize to Isak.”

“Okay, okay! I’m sorry, Isak. I’m sorry. Evy!” Einar wailed, crying and laughing now as Even’s tickles increased.

“You promise to share from now on?” Even asked.

“Yes!”

“Okay.” Even said simply and he stopped tickling his brother, going back to lying still and sighing deeply. “Let’s sleep some more. I’m still tired.”

“Yeah, that’s what I wanted.” Einar huffed, throwing his small arms and legs around his brother and burying his face in Even’s neck. “Isak, come snuggle too.”

Isak cleared his throat, not entirely knowing what to do. “Um…”

“C’mere.” Even chuckled, reaching for Isak and pulling him until he was behind Einar, right arm across both Einar and Even. He ended up sharing the pillow with Einar as well.

“It’s so comfy.” Einar yawned. “Isak, you should be here all the time, okay?”

Isak closed his eyes, giggling, and simply said, “Okay,” before he drifted back to sleep.

**

Isak didn’t want to leave Even’s house, but there was some homework he had studiously been avoiding for the entire weekend and he _had_ to get it done by tomorrow. His books were all at his apartment, so after breakfast he told Even he had to leave.

Isak saw the disappointment on Even’s face, but the older boy quickly brushed it away, pulling Isak into a hug and kissing his forehead.

“Okay. I just hate goodbyes.”

“I know.” Isak agreed.

_I want to fall asleep and wake up with you every day._

_Even if that means sharing you with Einar._

They were standing in Even’s room, the sounds of Einar and Astrid in the kitchen, and Isak knew he should leave. It was easy, right? He just had to walk down the hallway and put his shoes on, and then catch the tram.

But Isak placed kiss after kiss on Even’s skin; his cheek, neck, forehead. Anywhere he could reach. He wasn’t done seeing him yet.

“Isak?”

“Hm?” Isak hummed distractedly.

“I love you.”

Isak finally pulled his lips away from the softness of Even’s skin and instead reached up to place his hands on either side of Even’s face. “I love you too.”

**

Isak was finishing up his homework, trying to get through it all, when Eskild knocked on his door. He didn’t wait for Isak to open it or tell him to come in, he just barged right in and sat down on Isak’s floor; looking like a lost puppy.

“Um, hi?” Isak said, momentarily pausing his note-taking to look at Eskild expectantly.

“So, what happened?”

Isak frowned. “Huh?”

“With _Even!_ I need the details. Linn is sleeping and I’m bored and apparently you have the most interesting life of us all right now. So, spill.” Eskild elaborated, motioning with his hand for Isak to speak.

“I’m doing homework right now, Eskild.”

“Pause for a study break. I’ve been baking all afternoon like a housewife. I have brownies. Come and talk to me.”

Isak chuckled and stood up, allowing a ten minute break so he could scarf down a brownie or three and talk to Eskild.

“Fine. But seriously, ten minutes.”

“Yay!” Eskild clapped his hands excitedly and stood up, practically skipping to the kitchen.

Approximately one hour later, Isak finally got back to his homework. Eskild hadn’t let him leave until Isak had explained the entire history between Even and Mikael, along with a detailed account of his and Even’s “love story” as he called it; which included their date, the party, the pool kiss, Even’s family and of course their sexual encounters which Isak refused to actually divulge.

There were lines, okay?

It had been a nice conversation, but Isak was going to flunk this assignment if he didn’t get it done pronto. He had just sat down with a cup of tea that Eskild had made him when he heard his phone go off. He picked it up from his desk to see who it was that was calling.

Unknown number.

Usually Isak wouldn’t answer these kinds of calls because it was usually just a solicitor or his bank calling to do a survey, but for some reason he decided to pick up.

“Hello, this is Isak.”

“Hi, Isak. This is Mikael.”

Isak instantly felt the blood drain from his face and he froze in his chair.

_What the hell?_

“I assume you know who I am?” Mikael asked, his voice _sounding_ normal, but what the hell did Isak know about this guy? He seemed to like to play mind games.

“Yeah.”

“Okay. Look, I just wanted to apologize for what happened last night. I was drunk.” Mikael stated, letting out a long sigh into the phone.

Isak swallowed hard, thinking about what to say next.

“I’m the wrong person for this. I think we both know who deserves the real apology.” Isak said slowly, trying to make each word as clear as possible.

There was a long silence and for a second Isak thought Mikael had hung up, but when he pulled the phone away to check he saw Mikael was still on the line.

“Even won’t pick up his phone.” Mikael whispered, and he sounded so sad about that; like he actually cared whether or not Even spoke to him.

“And you’re surprised by this?” Isak couldn’t help but snap.

“No, I’m not. I wouldn’t talk to me either.”

Isak didn’t know how to respond to that. He wanted to say something along the lines of ‘you don’t deserve Even’s time’ or ‘maybe if you weren’t such an asshole things would be different.’ But he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Something deep inside Isak was telling him to give Mikael the benefit of the doubt, and stay out of whatever history there was between him and Even.

It was Even’s past, not Isak’s.

But Even was also part of Isak’s future. That much was certain. And so it was that thought – not wanting to see Even hurt again - that made Isak say what he said next.

“If you do get the chance to apologize, Mikael…” Isak began, taking in a deep breath. “I want you to really _mean it._ No games. No bullshit. Nobody else influencing you. Just…be _honest._ From what Even has told me, I don’t think he knows the truth about your feelings at all. And if you don’t really mean your apology, just please leave it alone. Be done. Even deserves _that_ much.”

Isak was shaking with adrenaline and he knew it was from the tension he could feel between himself and Mikael. He was never great at confrontation. But he knew he needed to say the words. He needed Mikael to stop playing with Even’s head and his heart.

“Damn, Isak.” Mikael said. “You sound like a nice guy.”

“I’m just a guy who loves Even and wants what’s best for him.” Isak replied, shrugging his shoulders.

“You…love him?” Mikael squeaked, his voice breaking.

Mikael sounded so unbelievably hurt by Isak’s confession and Isak couldn’t make himself pause long enough to wonder why.

It didn’t really matter.

“Yes. I do.”

Isak could hear Mikael clear his throat. “Good. I’m glad you love him. He’s easy to love.”

_The easiest thing in the world…_

“Bye, Isak.” Mikael whispered, hanging up before Isak could reply.

It took Isak fifteen minutes to catch his breath and clear his head properly before he could get back to his homework.

It was nearly midnight before Isak was getting into his bed. He’d had more work that he first anticipated, but luckily it was all done now. He’d probably need more coffee that usual tomorrow, but that was fine.

Isak was just drifting into dreamland, sleepily wondering how the hell Mikael had got his number, when he heard his phone go off; indicating that he had a text message.

Isak reached clumsily for his phone and tried to read his message; squinting against the brightness of his phone.

Even <33 (23:57): _Hey baby. I won’t be in school tomorrow. I have a doctor’s appointment. Maybe I could come over later in the evening? Sleep well._

Isak (23:59): _I’ll miss you. And yes, please come over for dinner. I’ll make something special. <3 _

Even <33 (00:01): _Okay. Goodnight. I love you xo_

Isak couldn’t help but smile his way into sleep.

**

Isak was cornered by Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi the next morning in the courtyard and they all looked extremely worried. Isak looked down at the ground as they all spoke at the same time, asking a million questions and then arguing with each other over who had the better questions to start with.

“Guys, guys, chill!” Isak said at last, effectively cutting them all off.

They all looked at Isak expectantly then, and Isak couldn’t help but smile. He kind of had the greatest friends in the universe.

“I’m fine. Me and Even are fine. There was just a misunderstanding at the party.” Isak summarized, nodding to himself.

“But…what was the misunderstanding?” Magnus pleaded, his eyes widening.

“I heard he kissed some other guy!” Jonas added.

“I just wanna know if _you’re_ good, man.” Mahdi shrugged, patting Isak on the back a few times and smiling his epic grin.

“Thanks, Mahdi. And, seriously?” Isak motioned towards Jonas and Magnus. “Gossip much, dudes?”

“Uh, yeah! Have you not met me?” Magnus scoffed, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“I just asked because I want to know if I need to kick Even’s ass or not.” Jonas huffed, shaking his head.

It was then that Isak noticed that Jonas actually looked really upset. He had been the one to take Isak home that night. He’d _followed_ Isak to make sure he was all right, and Isak had been kind of a dick; just walking inside and not giving any kind of details.

Isak stepped closer to Jonas and pulled him into a hug, surprising Jonas. But after a second he regained his bearings and hugged Isak back.

“You don’t have to beat up Even.” Isak assured. “For real. Everything is good. He didn’t kiss anyone else. I just thought he had, but in reality, he got cornered by a drunk guy who wanted something Even didn’t want to give back.”

“Oh, shit.” Mahdi and Magnus said at the same time.

As Jonas pulled away from the hug he smirked at Isak and said, “Okay. So I _do_ need to beat up someone, just not Even?”

Isak chuckled and shook his head. “Nobody is beating up anybody.”

**

Isak had followed the recipe exactly.

It was supposed to be chicken with broccoli and cheese in the middle, and then he had tried to make green beans and rice to go along with it.

It was so goddamn simple on paper.

But what he ended up with was some half-done, soggy disaster that had exploded inside the oven and wilted like a dead flower on the pan as soon as Isak had managed to get it out.

And the fire alarm had gone off. And Eskild had been running around like a lunatic opening all the windows and assuring the neighbours that there wasn’t actually any danger.

Isak had even managed to burn the rice.

_Rice._

Isak was staring down at his failure of a meal, Eskild talking about making his famous lasagna as a replacement, when Isak heard a knock at the door.

Of course Even would show up right now. Right when Isak looked like the most incompetent fool in the universe.

“Oh no.” Even giggled, putting his bag down and making his way over to Isak. “Baby, where are you?”

“By the stove.” Isak sighed, turning around and meeting Even halfway.

“Did you do something wrong?” Even asked, the smug bastard.

“I followed the recipe! I swear! But it just…didn’t…would you _stop laughing?!”_

Even didn’t stop laughing for another three minutes at least, and when he’d finally managed to take a deep breath, his shook his head and placed a kiss on Isak’s forehead.

“It’s a good thing you’re pretty, huh?”

Isak let out a loud sound of annoyance before he pushed away from Even and walked over to the fridge. “You suck. I’ll make us sandwiches then.”

“I can help? Or I can make us something if you have eggs?” Even offered, raising his eyebrows.

_Fuck you and your stupidly adorable eyebrows,_ Isak thought. He grinned.

“Let me make us all some lasagna!” Eskild hollered from his bedroom. “I have no love life right now. Food is my only outlet!”

Isak closed the fridge. “Fine!” He called back, loud enough for Eskild to hear.

“Wonderful! It will be ready in an hour. I’m sure you boys will find some way to pass the time.” Eskild said, winking at them as he came back into the kitchen.

Isak took Even’s hand and they walked into his room. Isak was suddenly grateful to not have to worry about food anymore. Following recipes was fucking stressful.

“Eskild is a great dad friend.” Even commented, laying down with Isak on his bed.

“What?”

“He’s a good friend but a friend who is like a parent, you know? Sonja is like my mom friend. She’s always taking care of everyone.” Even said, moving his face towards Isak; wanting a kiss.

Isak was happy to oblige.

Isak meant for it to be a chaste, quick kiss and then get back to bantering. But as soon as he kissed Even, he realized how much he’d missed him. It had kind of become ritual now that Isak met Even at his locker in the mornings, and sat with him at lunch. It had been an Even-free day and something was definitely _wrong_ with that.

So Isak moaned into the kiss, deepening it, and soon found himself on top of Even, straddling him and grinding his hips down because he just wanted to _feel._

“Isak.” Even panted out, his hands now on Isak’s hips and pulling him repeatedly down into him; a rhythm that was slowly making Isak lose his mind.

Isak looked down at Even and saw how flushed he was; how desperately he was wriggling under the weight of Isak’s body. Isak couldn’t help but think how beautiful Even was, how much he deserved to be told that he was _loved._

Isak hadn’t forgotten Even’s confession; his explanation of his story of how he’d gone blind. Isak hadn’t been able to hold back his tears as Even spoke. Isak tried to imagine how lonely it must have been, how confusing a friendship Even was a part of with Mikael; especially considering the feelings he’d had for his friend.

Even knew touch as sight. At least when it came to love. Isak couldn’t imagine trying to figure out if someone liked you back based only on touch. And if Mikael had touched Even a lot, it would have been even _harder_ to know.

Even said he knew what Isak felt when he touched Even, _looked_ at Even. But a part of Isak never wanted Even to doubt _anything_ to do with them. He never wanted Even to wonder what Isak felt.

Isak felt everything when he looked at Even.

Everything and more.

“Where did you go?” Even whispered, his hands on Isak’s face now.

“Nowhere.” Isak said immediately, taking Even’s hands in his own and kissing them. “I’m right here, Even. Right here with you.”

Isak pushed Even’s hands up behind his head and kept them there with some force as he dove back in; getting them back to where they had been. Kissing and moaning and thrusting. Again and again.

Until the point that Isak simply had to get Even undressed. Right the hell now.

“Wanna feel you. Want you naked.” Isak said against Even’s lips, feeling the older boy shudder.

_Always want to see you, and I always can. Like this._

“You too.” Even requested.

Isak got up from the bed, missing the warmth of Even immediately, but there were certain things he needed and he also wanted to lock his door. Eskild had said an hour but he also didn’t trust Eskild to knock before he came in.

By the time Isak had what he needed and locked his door, Even was lying on Isak’s bed completely naked and the sight sent a pang of lust through Isak’s entire body.

“You’re so beautiful, Even.” Isak said, pulling his shirt off over his head and pushing his jeans down. He stepped out of them and then immediately started kissing Even’s thighs, making his way slowly up.

It occurred to Isak that he’d never tire of having Even like this, vulnerable and open and trusting; holding onto Isak’s shoulders for dear life as Isak continued to place light, teasing kisses all over Even’s skin.

“Isak, wait…” Even said in a hushed, broken voice.

Isak looked up.

“Sorry, did I…”

“No. _No._ You’re perfect. I just…I want you to do something.” Even continued, and Isak could literally see his cheeks redden with what Isak assumed was embarrassment.

Isak crept his way up the bed until he could lie next to Even, running a soothing hand through Even’s messy hair.

“What is it?” Isak asked softly.

Even’s eyes were closed and he was breathing heavily, frowning as he tried to find the words. Isak once again found himself enraptured, stuck staring at his perfect boyfriend who he still couldn’t quite believe was _his._

“Would you…go first?” Even tried, licking his lips.

It was Isak’s turn to frown now because he didn’t understand.

“Go first?”

Even reached for Isak with grabby hands and they kissed, Even breathing so quickly that his whole body was shaking with the force of it. Isak realized with another twist of arousal that Even was so _worked up._ He was basically close to coming just at the idea of whatever it was he was actually asking Isak for.

“Baby, tell me.” Isak pleaded, unable to stop the way his hips were pushing forward; seeking friction.

“Isak, I know we said I might…but I…I want you to fuck me first. I want _you_ inside me first.” Even gasped out, pressing his lips together like he was trying his hardest not to beg.

And wasn’t that just another stupidly hot idea.

Isak groaned, low and deep inside his throat and he nodded. He kissed Even again, licking inside until he felt the roughness of Even’s teeth against the tip of his tongue.

“Yes. I can do that.” Isak said, trying not to panic because this was something he definitely didn’t want to do wrong.

But Even was asking for it. Even wanted it, and badly too considering the state of him. So Isak would do his very best.

“I’ve been…thinking about it. A lot.” Even admitted.

It was Isak’s turn to blush now. “Yeah?”

He sounded shy now. Shy and embarrassed like the virgin he was.

“Yeah. Please. Please, can we?”

And holy fuck. The begging was definitely as hot as Isak had imagined, especially because Even was squirming now; squirming and sweating and completely gorgeous as he clung to Isak.

“Okay. I’ll take care of you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry to cut it here! But I wanted to finish this scene with Even's POV, so it will be continuing next chapter! :) 
> 
> **Also, Mikael's character isn't done in my story yet. I can't give too much away other than to say that Even will NOT be hurt again by him, but he is coming back in a later chapter. His appearance here is kind of a setting up for what is to come. Just in case anyone is wondering or unsure.**


	20. How Wonderful Life Is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still astounded by the amount of attention this fic has received, as well as so many amazingly sweet comments. Just know that I love every one of you, and appreciate your readership so much <3 I'm sad to see Skam go, but I'm glad that it exists at all and has had such an impact on so many people around the world.

Dear Mikael,

I want you to know that you’re everything to me. You’re my best friend. And I love you.

But I’m also in love with you. I don’t

_Even put the pen down, annoyed at himself. This was stupid. So fucking stupid. Mikael would hate it. He wouldn’t read the letter anyway. He’d tear it up._

_But Even had to stop feeling this way. There had to be an end to the madness inside of him. Every day, every minute he was around his friend his heart was too full; to the point of bursting. It was a strange, yearning ball of feeling that he could never shake._

_He wanted it to stop._

_Maybe if Mikael knew. Maybe if he had some notion of the way Even was feeling, it would lessen; stop strangling Even to death._

_Or it was very likely it would do the exact opposite because Mikael would freak out. He would just…freak and never want to see Even again._

_Even crumpled up the letter and threw it into the trash just as his door opened._

_“Even?”_

_“Yeah, Dad?”_

_“What are you doing?” Emmett asked, walking over to his son._

_Even couldn’t help but blush. “Nothing.”_

_“Making plans for the big trip?”_

_Even shook his head. He didn’t get much say in what he did with Mikael’s family when they went to the States. He was just along for the ride and happy to be with Mikael all the time._

_Maybe they’d even get to share a bed._

_Emmett gave his son a curious glance before he knelt down in front of Even._

_“You’re really close to Mikael, huh?”_

_Even frowned. His father knew they were friends. It wasn’t some kind of secret._

_“Yeah?”_

_“I just…you’re growing up fast. You might not realize it yet but friends aren’t always forever.” Emmett stated._

What?

_Even couldn’t imagine a world where he and Mikael weren’t friends. That was impossible. Even if Mikael did something horrible, made some kind of mistake, Even knew he would forgive him. No question._

_It would always be him and Mikael._

_“Some friendships last forever, Dad. I’ll always be friends with Mikael.” Even said confidently._

_“But…Even, you have to remember there are other people in life. Other friends._ Girls.” _Emmett said, his voice low now and focused._

_Even swallowed hard._

_“I remember noticing girls at your age. Do you like anyone at school?” Emmett prompted, looking way too hopeful._

Mikael, _Even wanted to say._ I like Mikael the way I should like girls.

_“Nobody yet.” Even chose to say._

_Emmett nodded. “Well, there’s time. But you have to keep your eyes open. Maybe spend less time with Mikael…” Even’s father coughed awkwardly. “And you know,_ other friends, _and then you’ll have a chance to meet some girls your age.”_

_Even wished he could just disappear. Did his father suspect…?_

_“Even? Did you hear me?”_

_“Yes, Dad.” Even sighed._

_“Okay. Good. Dinner will be ready soon.” Emmett walked out, leaving Even alone with a pad of blank paper and his thoughts._

_It wasn’t_ a girl _Even wanted to write a love letter to. And maybe that was wrong, but nothing was stopping this feeling; this wanting, aching need Even had for Mikael._

_And if not for Mikael, then boys in general. Even knew it as sure as he knew he was breathing._

_In, out. In, out._

_His heart still beat the same way. His inner design could not be remodeled. He couldn’t change._

_And Even found that he really didn’t_ want _to either._

_**_

“Even, _fuck,_ is it okay? You’re so tight around my fingers.”

Isak was utterly wrecked. He was panting above Even, three fingers deep inside a place no-one had ever been, and Even couldn’t _think._ It was too fucking good to form a coherent thought.

But he managed to nod furiously, willing Isak to somehow understand; somehow see that Even had never been better in his life.

Even had dreamt of this, wondered endlessly if it was as good as he always imagined it would be.

The answer was yes. Yes, the feeling was as good, but what made it better was the fact that it was _Isak._ It was Isak that Even could feel deep and deeper and…

“ _Ugh.”_ Even moaned, throwing his head back. All at once it was too much and he was going to come. “Isak, I…”

“What?” Isak asked, sounding worried. “What do you need?”

Even couldn’t reply, not when Isak’s fingers were still moving, so he put his hand over Isak’s and stopped him.

“Does it hurt? I’m _sorry.”_ Isak gasped, reaching to touch Even with his other hand.

“No. Doesn’t hurt. I just didn’t want to…” Even breathed in, unable to finish his sentence due to lack of air.

“You were…close?” Isak asked, sounding proud now and it made Even laugh lightly.

“Yeah. You’re that good.”

“ _Jesus._ If you keep telling me things like that I’m going to get close too.”

Even swallowed hard at the thought. “Want you in me first.”

Isak cursed under his breath before he slowly pulled his fingers out. He was being so gentle with Even and Even smiled. He loved this boy.

“Just need…” Isak began, reaching over. Even heard a crinkle sound and he knew was it was. He also knew what he wanted to do next.

“Let me.” He said, holding out his hand. “I want to put it on you.”

“Fuck. Yeah, okay Even.” Isak said, placing the condom in Even’s hand.

Even wasn’t an expert, not by any means, but he wanted to try and do this right; make Isak feel as turned on as he did.

Even unwrapped the condom and held it between his fingers, trying to figure out what side went on Isak.

“I think the side that isn’t…um…lubed?” Isak offered, chuckling fondly.

“Makes sense.” Even agreed, searching for Isak, wanting to feel skin.

Isak shuffled forward until Even could get a hand around his cock, making Isak groan and push forward even more.

“You’re sure you’ve had enough prep?” Isak gasped out the question, and Even knew he needed to stop teasing. But he loved the feel of Isak, how smooth yet hard he was; ready to get inside.

Even breathed, focusing. _In, out. In, out_.

“I’m ready. I promise.” And with that he slid the condom on Isak and then opened his legs wider as a clear invitation.

“Take me, Isak.”

**

_People asked Even if his other senses were heightened now that he couldn’t see. Did he have super enhanced taste buds now? Was every touch overly sensitive?_

_Could he now hear a pin drop?_

_No._

_Not at all._

_It had only been six months since his accident and nothing much had changed. His senses still worked the same as they had when Even wasn’t blind. He went to school. Lived in the same house._

_The only thing that had changed was his parents arguing. They fought all the time, and Even didn’t need super hearing to hear them. They never really tried to keep it down anyways._

_Even held Einar against him, listening to him as he sucked his thumb, as he snorted out his nose in his sleep. He held Einar as he eavesdropped on his parents in the next room._

_His parents who were whisper-shouting and who clearly thought he was asleep._

_“I can’t believe you, Emmett!” Astrid cried, her voice breaking. “He’s our_ son! _You can’t say such awful things. Not when…”_

_“I can say what I want, Astrid. Just because he’s blind doesn’t mean I can or should ignore this!” Emmett interrupted._

_“Something like that doesn’t matter. They’re friends! Even is close to him. Why is that so wrong?”_

_“They aren’t_ friends. _Did you read this…this nonsense?” Emmett scoffed._

_Oh no._

_“Yes I did. And there’s nothing wrong with it. I just want him to be happy, Emmett! That’s all that has ever mattered.”_

_“You want our son, who is already a freak, to be even worse off in life by being a goddamn fag?”_

_Even let himself cry, his tears falling onto his brother’s hair. Einar clutched Even’s t-shirt as he slept, like he was unconsciously trying to comfort his big brother._

_“Don’t you dare!” Astrid yelled, not trying to whisper anymore. “Don’t you dare speak about him like that! He is not a freak.”_

_“You can’t see it. But I do. I see what he is, and I won’t have it.” Emmett growled back._

_There was a loud sound that followed against the wall and Even assumed it was made by his father’s fist._

_“You see_ nothing!” _Astrid spat. “You’re the one in this house who is actually blind. Now get the hell out!”_

_“What?”_

_“You heard me! Get out of this house!”_

_“Evy?” Einar whispered, rubbing his eyes as he shifted in the bed. Even quickly tried to hide his own tears as he heard his father stomp down the hallway._

_“It’s okay, little man. Go back to sleep.” Even whispered, kissing Einar on the forehead._

_Three minutes after the front door slammed, Astrid opened Even’s door and sat down on the bed with her sons. Even didn’t pretend to be asleep._

_“I’m sorry, Mom.”_

_“No. Don’t you say that.” Astrid said, putting a hand on Even’s face. “This is not your fault.”_

_“But I wrote the letter. Before I went blind. I didn’t remember where I put it after the accident. Mikael never read it. I didn’t give it to him, and I didn’t want Dad to see. But I…” Even sobbed. “I can’t make these feelings stop.”_

_“There’s nothing that you have to stop, Even. Oh, my precious boy. There is nothing wrong with you, do you hear me? You’re perfect.” His mother whispered, kissing his hand._

_“I’m…broken.”_

_“No you’re not. I promise. One day, you’ll feel that. You won’t feel broken anymore.”_

_**_

The initial pain had passed, and now all Even could feel was the fullness of their bodies being connected; the pounding of Isak’s heart in his neck where Even was holding on.

Even moved his hips, begging with his body for Isak to continue, to move faster; to hold Even as he made love to him.

To mend him; to move with Even as one.

“Yes, yes, oh God.” Isak moaned, pushing and pushing; grinding his hips.

“There, _yes._ Right there, Isak. _Please.”_

Even couldn’t stop talking, couldn’t stop moving, wanting more more more, right now. Always.

They had barely started but Even could feel how they both clung to each other, the desperation building and building; creating something new.

Something that belonged to only them.

Something only they could see.

“Close, Even. I’m close. Please.” Isak begged, reaching between them for Even’s dick. “It’s too much, too good. Come for me.”

Even had to obey, couldn’t refuse. His body was powerless, completely under Isak’s control and it barely took three pulls before he was coming; moaning out his orgasm into Isak’s mouth, shaking.

Isak stilled inside him, tightening all his muscles and repeating Even’s name. Even couldn’t do anything except hold him through it and wait until they both came back down.

Even knew they didn’t want to let go, didn’t want to lose their connection. But eventually Isak moved, pulled out and lied down next to Even, still not going far.

“Baby?” Isak whispered, kissing Even’s face. “Even?”

Isak was beside him. Isak loved him and _had_ loved him physically, moments ago. Even’s whole world was suddenly narrowed down to Isak Isak Isak and it was a place Even could always stay.

It was peace.

It was beauty. The orange and red leaves of fall. Warmth. Light.

It was the most beautiful thing Even had ever seen.

“I’m here.” Even finally replied, clutching onto his favourite person in the world. “I’m right here.”

**

“Lasagna’s ready!” Eskild called, pounding on the door.

Isak burst out laughing, his body shaking the bed that they were still laying on; still covered in come and sweat. Still deliciously inside their own world. Even joined him in his laughter a second later, his face hurting from smiling by the time their giggles had subsided.

“I love you.” Isak whispered before he got up.

“I love you more.”

**

Even was drifting off to sleep, Isak’s head resting on his chest; his stomach full of, admittedly, delicious food after a night of board games and movies.

He was content.

“Even? Are you still awake?” Isak asked, kissing Even’s ribs on his right side.

“Hm?”

“I wanted you to know something.”

“Hm?” Even hummed again, too tired to really speak at this point.

“Mikael called me.”

Even’s eyes shot open and he couldn’t help but flinch. “What?”

“I don’t know how he got my number. But he called me, said he was sorry about the party and what happened. I told him to apologize to you, but he said you weren’t answering your phone.” Isak explained. “I just wanted you to know about it. In case he tries to call again or something.”

“I don’t know why he’d do that. Sorry to…”

“Stop it with the apologizing. You don’t have anything to be sorry for.”

Even sighed, his mind reeling. “Did he say anything else?”

“That I sound like a good guy and he’s glad I love you.”

Even smiled at that, hugging Isak closer to him. “I’m glad you love me too.”

**

Even had three text messages and one voicemail on his phone from Mikael. He hadn’t deleted them. He hadn’t done anything about them yet.

The truth was, Even didn’t really want to listen to Mikael’s excuses. He didn’t want explanations or apologizes. He didn’t want to let himself back into the unsure ground, the shaky bridge that was Mikael’s life. Because there was a huge risk that he’d fall right off that ledge, fall head first back into the insanity.

When he had first texted Mikael all those weeks ago about Isak, he thought maybe he would have liked to have his friendship rekindled with the person he had called his best friend for most of his life. He kind of wished for it; imagined himself and Isak and Mikael going out for dinner, getting coffee.

Talking about life and the future. Hanging with Elias and the boys again.

But now.

All Even wanted to do was _move on._ He didn’t want to think about it anymore. He’d gone a year without Mikael. He’d done things without the person he thought he would always need.

He’d met Isak.

And he still had other friends. Sana. Sonja. Elias. Even people from Bakka who he thought he’d lost had been talking to him at the party, wanting to see him outside of parties to hang out.

A part of Even knew he didn’t need to call Mikael back. He didn’t need to talk to Mikael or ask questions or feel better from an apology.

This part of Even knew that it would _not_ always be him and Mikael, not _friends forever,_ because their friendship hadn’t been made in mutual respect.

But he also imagined, as he lied wide awake on Isak’s bed, that closure wouldn’t be able to happen if he didn’t talk to Mikael. He didn’t think he owed Mikael anything, but maybe if they had some kind of conversation Even could finally let go.

He could say what he needed to say and then just _let go._

It was close to two in the morning when Even got out of bed quietly and walked down to the bathroom, closing the door and sitting on the edge of the bathtub. He opened his phone and turned down the volume but left it on loud enough for him to be able to hear.

_“What can I help you with?”_ Siri asked.

Even took a deep breath before he said, “Call Mikael.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALL RIGHT. Imma explain some things. 
> 
> I've said it before, but I will say it again, nothing is coming between Even and Isak. I would hope that's pretty clear by now lol <3 the thing with Mikael that I am leading up to is going to be done with next chapter. I think there needs to be some kind of closure between them, things need to be said (especially by Even) and the person who gave Mikael Isak's number is going to be revealed too. So, in case anyone was confused/worried I hope that helps a bit. 
> 
> Mikael and Even's friendship has only ever been me trying to show how people are not always what they seem. Sometimes we think we have good relationships with people and then something happens that makes you see them in an entirely different light, and sometimes this means realizing that the person was toxic in your life. They might have even emotionally abused you, or made you feel a range of conflicting emotions that damaged your self-esteem/self-worth etc. without you even noticing. I've had this happen to me and it feels really awful. I guess I'm just adding this in as a further explanation into my thoughts behind this story line with Mikael. I know he's a great character on the show even though we don't know too much about him, and I'm super glad Even made up with Mikael and his other friends (that Youtube video where he collabs with the balloon squad was adorable.) I didn't mean to contribute to any kind of argument/hate that was apparently happening in the fandom when people came to Even's defense (back when people thought the balloon squad was homophobic?) I was just trying to write a story in order to ease my horrible writer's block that plagues me a lot of the time. Luckily, fan fiction has seriously helped with that and I'm working on other novels now too (yay!). This is a horrible long explanation, but THERE YOU GO. Comments always welcome as I always say. <3 Love you all.


	21. I Get to Love You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't edited this fully yet, so please excuse any spelling and/or grammar mistakes!
> 
> **Slight warning for some homophobic language & confrontation**

_Dear Isak,_

_Will you please accompany me to the Halloween Dance?_

_Leave a happy face if yes, an ‘x’ for no._

_Love, Even. xoxoxo_

_(Please see attached stickers in envelope.)_

**

Isak read the letter and then looked up at Even who was literally two feet away from him, munching on cereal in his boxers. He smirked in Isak’s general direction.

“Even.”

“Yeah?”

“ _Even.”_ Isak repeated, trying to sound as dumbfounded as he was feeling.

“What?” Even chuckled.

_You’re so fucking cute I can’t stand it._

“You’re…I…this is…we’re in the same room!”

Even simply nodded, slurping the milk from his bowl when he was done his last bite of his breakfast. Apparently, Eskild bought Even’s favourite kind of cereal and this had made him incandescently happy from the moment Isak offered it.

“Can’t I just give you my answer right now?” Isak asked, his toast forgotten on his plate.

“Nope. Use the stickers and make a happy face or an ‘X.’ This is not a hard task, Isak.”

“But we’re in the _same room!”_ Isak tried to reason.

“C’mon. Stickers are fun! And I can feel them so I’ll know what shape it is without you having to tell me. You better be done by the time I’m dressed.” Even smiled, standing up and holding his hand out in front of him; trying to find the sink. He put his bowl in it and then sauntered back down the hallway, leaving Isak sitting in the kitchen, also in his boxers, gaping like a fool.

He made a smiley face.

**

“Dances are dumb.” Isak stated, looking at his friends for help.

Mahdi, Jonas and Magnus continued to eat their lunches and they didn’t say anything to back Isak up. Which wasn’t helpful and did absolutely nothing to combat the epic, shit-eating grin Even had on his face.

“We wanted to go as the three stooges.” Magnus finally commented, just as he got mustard from his sandwich on his shirt.

Fitting.

“That’s great.” Even giggled, putting his hand up and waiting for a high-five.

“What are you two going as? Something for couples I assume?” Jonas asked, winking at Isak fondly. Isak rolled his eyes.

“I was thinking Romeo and Juliet.”

Isak nearly choked on his juice. “ _What?”_

“Who’s going to wear the dress?” Magnus asked, his eyes widening in interest.

“Nobody would wear a dress, come on!” Isak protested immediately. Of course Even was kidding. Of course he wouldn’t make either of them wear a fucking dress.

“Well, I don’t know if one of us would. I’ve never seen what Romeo and Juliet are wearing in the film.” Even shrugged, biting a carrot that he had packed as part of his lunch.

“The film?” Mahdi questioned.

Oh, God. Isak didn’t know what he’d agreed to. Was it too late to put a giant ‘X’ in shiny pink stickers right on Even’s forehead?

“Yeah, the Baz Luhrmann adaptation. I wanted us to go as Romeo and Juliet in the scene where they first see each other. At the ball.” Even explained, wrapping his arm around Isak and squeezing.

Isak glanced over at him, and saw how _happy_ Even looked. Isak knew Even had been smiling all through lunch, but he hadn’t really noticed just how amazingly content Even seemed right now. He was so cute, and loveable and unfortunately Isak just knew that he would wear a dress if Even asked him to. There really wasn’t any fighting it.

“I suppose I’ll google it?” Isak offered, accepting his fate.

Maybe Juliet wasn’t wearing a dress? Maybe she had chosen to wear a pant suit or something to this ball? Maybe she was dressed as a dude? Isak had watched the movie with Even a while ago, but it was only once and he didn’t remember what they had been wearing at all.

He remembered there was a fish tank though.

And wait a fucking minute. Why was Isak assuming he would be Juliet anyways? Why couldn’t _he_ be Leonardo DiCaprio as Romeo, all baby faced and shit?

Why did he know that Leonardo DiCaprio played Romeo at all?

His head hurt.

“You know what this means, right?” Magnus asked, bobbing his head up and down to the beat of a song that wasn’t playing.

“What?” Isak, Jonas, Mahdi and Even all comically asked at the same time.

Magnus started to sing, embarrassingly loud and Isak suddenly regretted asking.

“I’m gonna pop some tags, only got twenty dollars in my pocket! I – I – I’m hunting, looking for a come up, this is fucking awesome!”

Jonas face palmed after the first verse. “ _Dude.”_

“I wear your granddad’s clothes. I look incredible!” Magnus continued.

“Shut the hell up!”

**

The dance was on Friday. That meant Isak had three days to somehow magically get together costumes for him and Even; costumes that resembled the film.

And as luck would have it, Juliet _was_ wearing a dress.

With fucking angel wings.

“I can be Juliet if you want.” Even offered, arms wrapped around Isak as they waited for the tram. “I don’t mind being the girl.” And then he fucking _winked_ down at Isak, kissing his cheek.

“Oh, I know you don’t mind.” Isak teased, pushing his face up in a plea for a proper kiss. Even immediately obliged, chuckling.

“Although, I do like the idea of you in a wig and a white dress. And…wings, you said?” Even asked, looking amused.

“Ugh. Why can’t we go as…I don’t know…Romeo and Mercutio? Or his Romeo and his cousin? Or how about the two fathers of the houses, like Lord Capulet and Lord Montague, except in a plot twist, _they_ fall in love. Hmm?”

Even threw his head back and laughed.

“Isak, we don’t _have_ to go as Romeo and Juliet. We can do something else.”

Isak was tempted to take the offer because that would make life easier, but he knew how much Even loved that fucking movie. He knew how much he’d love to go as two of his favourite movie characters.

And Isak didn’t really mean his argument to go as two male characters. He’d made up his mind at lunchtime anyways. He just said it for the sake of banter.

“I’ll find us the right costumes. But you have to come with us to the thrift store tomorrow, yeah? I have to make sure it fits you right. I hope they have armour.” Isak mused, more to himself than anything.

Armour wasn’t exactly available in every store in Oslo.

“And a sword too, right?”

“Huh?”

“I get a sword?” Even nodded, looking hopeful.

Isak rolled his eyes, wanting to kiss Even breathless because he was so fucking cute. “Yes, baby. You get a sword.”

**

Isak was lounging on the couch with Eskild and Linn, watching some kind of documentary about ocean monsters, when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He took it out and saw that his father was calling.

He walked down to his room before he answered.

“Isak. How have you been?” Terje asked, sounding cheerful.

“Good, Pappa. How are you and Lea?”

“We’re fine. No complaints. I wanted to give you an update on Mamma.”

Isak couldn’t exactly control the way his whole body seemed to go cold. His mind instantly began thinking of possibilities, most of which included something awful happening. She fell down the stairs. There was a fire. She had gone running through the streets, ringing everyone’s doorbells trying to tell them about the coming apocalypse.

“Oh?” Isak squeaked, trying to silence his mind.

“Apparently she’s been doing well.” Terje said, and Isak could hear the smile in his father’s voice. “Some bad days still, but that’s to be expected. But overall, it seems like the meds have begun to work.”

“Wow.” Isak said, a small laugh punched out of him.

And why was he suddenly crying?

“Isak?”

Isak began bawling his eyes out, right into the phone where he could hear his father saying his name over and over. But he couldn’t stop it. He couldn’t stop crying or smiling or _laughing_ and he was seriously wondering if he was losing his mind.

“I know, Isak. I know.” Terje said, sniffling right along with Isak.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what this is. I just…” Isak continued, chuckling as he sputtered out the words. His face was a mess of snot and tears but he just didn’t care.

“I wanted to go and have a visit with her this weekend, or maybe the following weekend. I thought you, me and Lea could go? And possibly Even as well?”

That set Isak off on another round of crying and laughing, his heart so full of something he couldn’t quite describe. But later on that evening, when he was going to bed, he finally found a word to summarize it.

To explain the love he had in his whole being for Even.

To explain the wonder he felt at finally seeing his mother get help.

To explain what he felt knowing he still had his family in some form.

The word was small but the feelings were gigantic; beyond anything Isak ever expected from his small, insignificant life.

_Joy._

**

“We need suits!” Jonas implored, shoving a clown suit back onto the shelf; glaring daggers at Magnus. “The three stooges wear normal suits. _Man suits._ Not clown suits. Have you even seen the three stooges?”

Magnus averted eye contact and Isak assumed that answered the question.

“I’ll be the bald one.” Mahdi said, pulling down a bright orange suit from a hanger that looked about two sizes too big for him.

“You’ll be the one with crazy hair.” Isak pointed at Jonas, and smirked.

“I just got it cut!” Jonas stated.

“But it’s normally pretty crazy.” Mahdi agreed, high-fiving Isak.

“So which one am I then?” Magnus asked.

Jonas rolled his eyes and pulled a black wig off the shelf in the next aisle, pushing into Magnus’s hands. “Moe.”

“ _Moe?_ One of them is named Moe?”

“You’re so fucking dumb. This was _your_ idea!” Jonas said, smacking Magnus on his arm.

Isak leaned back against Even, feeling the taller boy’s hands wrap around his chest. Even placed a small kiss under Isak’s ear as his friends continued to bicker and Isak couldn’t help the way his whole body moved back further; trying to get as close to Even as possible.

“Shall we go find our own costumes?” Even whispered.

“Okay.”

They wandered down the aisles, Isak looking back and forth. He was looking for Even’s outfit first. That way Even could try it on and it would be done with. Isak was keeping his own costume a secret. Even didn’t get to see it until tomorrow night.

Miraculously, the store had something that resembled Romeo’s outfit in the film. It was the same kind of armour mesh fabric for the body of the shirt, as well as the shoulder-pad armour. And thankfully it looked to be made for someone as tall as Even.

Isak found some black pants for Even as well, and then he sent him to the fitting rooms as he roamed around in search of a sword.

Isak grabbed three different swords and headed back to the fitting rooms, calling out Even’s name. When he knew what room he was in, he walked towards it and stood outside.

“Does it fit?”

“I think so.” Even called, unlocking the door.

When he stepped out towards Isak, Isak felt like the world was suddenly moving in slow motion. The outfit fit fucking _perfectly,_ and for a heart-stopping second Isak was convinced he was actually dating Leonardo DiCaprio.

Except, he was dating Even and that was about ten times better.

“So, your verdict?” Even asked, putting his arms out and smiling.

“Uh.” Isak cleared his throat. “Yeah. It looks good.”

“Good? _Good?”_ Even scoffed. “Isak, it has to be _perfect!_ Are the details right? Do I look like Romeo? I also need a sword. It’s not complete without a sword!”

Isak handed Even the swords and compared them to the outfit as Even held them. Isak _may_ have saved a picture on his phone, a still of the movie, and he took it out to look at it. The details were in fact perfect and Isak told Even as much, grabbing the sword he thought fit the best.

“It’s perfect, Even. I swear. You look just like Leo.” Isak smiled, stepping up towards Even and placing a kiss on his lips.

Isak was so caught up in how happy Even looked, and the feel of his lips moving against Even’s that he almost missed it when someone next to them muttered “ _get a fucking room, fags”_ under their breath.

Isak heard Even suck in a breath as they broke the kiss and Isak snapped his head to his left, meeting the eyes of a guy who looked like he was in his early thirties. He was putting the clothes he’d tried on back on the rack as he looked Isak and Even up and down in disapproval.

“What did you say?” Isak growled, straightening his back. “Huh?”

“Isak, don’t.” Even begged, clutching Isak’s jacket.

“I said, _get a fucking room._ I don’t need to see that sick shit.” The man retorted, his voice carrying in the small space.

Isak saw red and his hands turned into fists.

“You can’t say that to people. Who the _hell_ do you think you are?” Isak shouted, turning his body. He was going to fucking kill this guy.

“Isak, Isak. No. _No.”_

Even held him back, a strong hand on Isak’s stomach now. He was trying to pull Isak back into his change room, but Isak fought against his hold; his eyes never leaving the other man’s as he slowly backed away, looking like he knew Isak couldn’t take him on.

Which was a fucking lie. Isak knew he could push his face right into the dirt where it belonged.

“Come back here, you goddamn coward! You’re ugly as fuck, you know that!”

“Isak, _please._ I need you to look at me.” Even was shushing, rubbing a soothing hand up Isak’s arm; still holding him back.

“But…he…he can’t just _do_ that!” Isak protested, finally tearing his eyes away so he could look at Even. And when he did, he immediately saw how worried Even looked, how desperate he was to calm Isak down. 

Isak stopped pulling.

“Isak, listen to me.” Even pleaded, his voice low. “It’s _okay.”_

And then Even’s hands were on Isak’s face, cupping his cheeks; Even’s thumb grazing Isak’s lips. Then his eyebrows. His stubble. His forehead.

“Close your eyes. See me. See us.”

Isak obeyed, bringing his hands up to Even’s face as well and closing his eyes; feeling the beating of his heart in his neck. Even’s lips. His cheeks. His hair. Neck. Pulse. Breath.

In, out. In, out.

_I love you._

_I see you._

“Guys?” Jonas asked, his hand suddenly on Isak’s back. “You okay? What happened?”

Isak gave himself three more seconds before he opened his eyes, turned around and flashed Jonas a smile; seeing Magnus and Mahdi behind him.

“Even found the perfect costume. That’s what happened.”

**

“Why can’t I see your outfit too?” Even asked, pouting.

“Because it’s a surprise.” Isak answered simply. “Now stop asking me and pass me the joint.”

Even did and Isak took a long drag, feeling dopey and happy and content as he lied on Even’s chest; holding a cup as their ashtray.

They were quiet for a whole, Nas playing on Even’s stereo. But then Even broke the silence. “Isak?”

“Hm?”

Isak felt like he was floating.

“I called Mikael the other night.”

Isak blinked a few times, trying to clear his head enough to actually participate in this conversation. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. I just wanted to…I don’t know. Put an end to things.” Even said, sounding unsure of how to explain.

“What did you say?”

Even took another hit, tapping out the ashes in the cup Isak was holding against his own chest. Isak saw the stream of smoke that Even blew out.

“I told him that I think it’s best if we don’t see each other right now. Even though he apologized for what happened and said…some other shit. I can’t be around him. I don’t think we could ever be…actual friends, you know?”

 _Some other shit?_ Isak’s brain was stuck on that and so he asked.

“He said that…he did have feelings for me. He said that he just didn’t know what to do about them, so…I guess it came out in other ways. Jokes. Shit like that. Masculinity is fucking stupid and such a dumb construct.”

Isak couldn’t help but laugh.

“You’re so philosophical when you’re high.”

“Yeah.” Even agreed. “But let me philosophize about this too. I told him that it doesn’t matter. I told him that whatever he felt or didn’t feel, I can’t ever know for sure that he’s telling me the truth. I can’t trust him. I told him that I’m happy he apologized and I wished him well, but that has to be it. I love you and want to be with _you_ and I think…I think that’s all I need to know. That’s all that matters.”

Isak nodded, feeling warm and fuzzy around the edges but definitely happy. He put the rest of the joint in the cup and snuggled closer to Even, hugging him.

“I’m glad you did that. It must have been hard.”

“Kind of. But once I started talking…it was easy to let go. Somehow, I just…let him go. And it might not always feel easy, but right now…I feel okay.” Even nodded, giving Isak an eskimo kiss.

“You’re so amazing, Even.” Isak whispered, unable to stop the words. His brain to mouth filter wasn’t exactly working right now, but he didn’t care. It’s not like the words weren’t true. “You _are._ I can’t get over it. That you’re…you’re my _person._ That I get to…I don’t know…love you. That you let me.”

Even huffed a laugh through his nose and kissed Isak’s forehead.

“I’m philosophical and you’re sappy. Let’s be high all the time.”

“I’m always high on your love.”

“Oh my God!”

**

It was Friday and Isak was researching how hard it was for men to shave their legs. Waxing looked fucking painful, so that was out. He could probably shave his legs but what happened when it grew back?

It would probably be itchy.

He knew it wasn’t logical to shave his legs for a Halloween costume, but…his Juliet dress came down just past his knees and he didn’t exactly what to ruin the look with his hairy legs.

“That doesn’t look like a biology reading.” Sana said, sitting down next to Isak at their table and smirking at him.

Isak glared at her. “You know nothing, Jon Snow.”

“I know that you’re looking into how to shave your legs, which is…odd.”

Isak continued to read on his laptop, not answering her. Why were there so many different kinds of shaving cream?

“Isak?”

Silence.

“Seriously?” She said, and Isak could see her roll her eyes out of the corner of his eye.

“Fine. It’s for…a Halloween thing. My costume. Okay?” He snapped, closing his laptop and leaning on it; burying his head in shame.

“Are you going as a girl or something?” Sana teased, obviously not believing it.

But then Isak didn’t deny it and she burst out laughing.

“Oh my God! You’re going in a dress aren’t you?”

“No!”

“Isak!”

“You suck!”

“I’m texting Eva.”

“Don’t you dare. Sana. _Sana!”_

**

Isak noticed something was off with Even the second he sat down with him at lunch. He was short with everyone, barely contributed to the conversation, and he wouldn’t stop fidgeting.

After about half an hour of this, Isak couldn’t stand it anymore.

“We’re going for a walk.” He announced, touching Even’s shoulder. “See you guys tonight.”

“Okay, man. Come to my place around six. We’ll get our costumes on and start the pre-game.” Jonas said, shooting Isak a worried glance. Isak tried to convey through his own expression that everything was fine as he steered Even into the courtyard.

“Isak, what…” Even began, but Isak cut him off.

“What’s wrong, Even? And don’t tell me nothing because I know you, and something is off.” Isak stated, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

Even let out a long sigh, hanging his head.

“I’m fighting with Sonja.”

Isak frowned. “What? Why?”

“She…she did something that I’m upset about and she keeps bugging me to forgive her. She doesn’t like when people are mad at her. But I can’t just turn off how I feel.” Even explained.

“Can I ask what she did?” Isak said gently.

“She gave Mikael your number.” Even replied, shaking his head. “I’m angry because I didn’t want her to involve you, and it feels like…like she’s taking Mikael’s side. She was so angry with Mikael at the party because she saw what he did, but then she goes and gives him your number. It doesn’t make sense.”

“Oh.” Isak sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Shit. Did she say why she gave it to him? Or, like, _how_ does she have my number anyways?”

“I gave her your number a while ago. Just in case I don’t answer my phone. I sometimes miss my messages if I don’t hear it or I’m somewhere I can’t listen to my phone. I figured we’d be together a lot so in case she worried she could call you.”

Isak nodded in understanding.

“And she told me that she talked to Mikael the day after the party, when he’d sobered up, and she really believed that he wanted to make things right. She keeps saying she felt bad for him because he admitted to her that he had feelings for me. But it just sounds like she fell for another one of his manipulative speeches. And I don’t like the idea of her being the reason why Mikael called you. It just feels like a betrayal.”

Isak took Even’s hand, seeing how upset Even was and brought it up to his mouth. He kissed Even’s knuckles before he pulled Even into a hug, trying to ease some of the tension from his boyfriend’s stance.

“I understand why you’re frustrated, Even. I get it. You don’t have to magically feel better just because she apologized.”

“I think I just need time.”

“Maybe tell her that? Or don’t. It’s up to you. But if you tell her you need time to think it through she might back off a bit.” Isak suggested.

Even let out a long breath before he finally hugged Isak back properly, nearly picking him off the ground. Isak laughed openly, feeling the warmth of the sun on his face which was a nice break from the cold breeze.

“I’m just trying to focus on tonight. I can’t wait to see your costume.”

Isak couldn’t help but blush.

“I think you’ll like it.” He said, kissing Even one last time before they went back inside to finish the rest of their classes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if dances aren't really a thing in Norway, but I needed an excuse for the boys to dress up <3  
> Halloween Dance will be next chapter :) 
> 
> Comments always welcome and appreciated!


	22. Kissing You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been nearly 2 weeks since I last posted - apologies! I am currently in the process of moving to another country (not Norway, le sigh) and it's been rather stressful. Thanks for being patient :)
> 
> Heads up for changing POVs between Isak and Even this chapter, something I haven't done in this fic yet but I thought it flowed well for what I wanted to do.

“Even!”

Einar was incessant when he wanted something. As much as Even would try and resist, at least _pretend_ he was way older and in charge while babysitting, he often gave in.

“Okay. _Fine._ But watch your fingers.” Even said, holding his mother’s hair straightener and giving his brother what was meant to be a meaningful glance. “It’s hot.”

“I know, I know. Now sit.” Einar commanded, pointing to the closed toilet lid.

Even sat down, sighing dejectedly. He couldn’t believe he was about to let his baby brother straighten his hair, but apparently “ _Leonardo’s hair is straight in the film so yours has to be straight too!”_ Even blamed himself for telling Einar that he wanted his Halloween costume to match perfectly; be identical to the film.

Einar tried to straighten the first piece of Even’s long hair and Even felt a hot pain on the tip of his ear the next second. He flinched away.

“Sorry! Sorry. I’ll do better.” Einar gasped, sounding genuinely pained by his mistake.

“Okay, buddy. But just go slow, okay? You’re the only one with eyes.” Even joked, something he said a lot around sighted people. He couldn’t exactly help in these types of situations.

Einar went agonizingly slow after that, but he didn’t burn Even again. He sprayed hairspray on Even’s head when it was all done and then giggled softly.

Laughing probably wasn’t a good sign.

“You better not have made me look weird. Or I will tickle you to death.” Even warned, narrowing his eyes.

Einar pushed on his shoulder before laughing _again,_ the little monster.

“It doesn’t look _bad,_ Evy. I just thought you were Leonardo for a second.” Einar explained.

“Yeah? It looks that similar?”

“Yup! Isak is going to love it. I bet he’ll want your hair straight all the time now.”

Even laughed at that thought. Isak probably wouldn’t know how to use a hair straightener if his life depended on it. The boy’s hair was all curls.

“Want to help me get my costume on? You can hold my sword.”

“Yes!” Einar screeched, jumping up and running back to Even’s room.

**

Isak was standing in the bathroom at 17:30, looking at himself in the mirror. He couldn’t help but blush at his own goddamn reflection because this was just _humiliating._

It was so beyond dumb.

He couldn’t believe he was standing here obsessing over _eye shadow_ of all things. Eye shadow!

What world was he living in?

“Isak?” Eskild knocked on the door.

“What?” Isak called, sounding slightly crazed even to himself.

“Are you okay in there?”

Isak rolled his eyes before he walked to the door and pulled it open, giving Eskild a look that he hoped conveyed his desperation; his complete and utter despair.

Eskild just raised his eyebrows as he took in Isak’s state of undress, or rather, state of _dress._ Because Isak was in fact wearing the dress he had picked out, and the angel wings and the _wig._

But he couldn’t figure out what makeup to wear. Or what to do about this whole shaving his legs situation.

“Wow.” Eskild finally sputtered, putting a hand up under his chin as he stared.

Isak sighed. “Just say it. I look stupid right? You’re right. I look so fucking stupid!”

Eskild walked into the bathroom and put his hands on Isak’s shoulders before Isak really even processed the movement.

“Hold on there my little gay child. I said no such thing.”

Isak frowned as he looked at his roommate. “What?”

“The only thing I said was _wow._ And that wow was supposed to mean wow as in you look fantastic, Isak.” Eskild smiled, looking Isak up and down once more. “Like holy shit! Who knew you could look so stunning in a dress.”

Isak felt dubious. “You’re fucking with me.” He stated, and that wasn’t a question.

“Not at all. Isak, seriously! You look awesome.”

“But…” Isak began, shaking his head. “But, I’m all _wrong!_ I know I’m a guy in a dress, but my shoulders are sticking out and my legs are super hairy and I have no clue how to do makeup. I’ve been looking at this picture of Juliet from the movie for ages, and she’s fucking flawless. Even wants all the details to be right and I look _nothing_ like this girl. I just…Eskild…”

“Isak, _breathe.”_

“He’s going to be here any second and I…I wanted this to be perfect.” Isak huffed, sitting down on the closed toilet seat and sighing.

“It _will_ be perfect, Isak. I promise you. Show me the picture of this girl.” Eskild asked, holding out his hand expectantly.

Isak found the picture and showed Eskild. He hummed as he looked at it and then back down at Isak, comparing.

“Well, the wig and the wings are spot on. Flawless. The colour of the dress is…”

“I couldn’t find the same colour, okay?” Isak interrupted, flushing. “This was all they had left.”

Eskild waved a hand, tutting. “That doesn’t matter. But it looks to me like she isn’t wearing any makeup at all. No eyeshadow, or lipstick. It’s very simple.”

Isak blinked. “Really?”

“Yep. She’s a modest girl. And with your complexion, you don’t need makeup anyways. If anything we could put on some light mascara but that would be all you’d need.” Eskild smiled, pulling Isak to his feet. “Allow me.”

Isak tried to hold his eyes open so that Eskild could put mascara on him, but it was weird and he ended up blinking and getting it in his eye. But then they managed to do it properly and it really only took a minute per eye.

“Now, about the legs situation.” Eskild began, looking at Isak’s legs that were bare from the top of his calves down.

Isak couldn’t help but hold his breath.

“You have baby legs. Hardly any hair anyways. And it’s light, so people won’t notice.” Eskild shrugged, not looking bothered.

“For real?”

Eskild tutted again, looking affronted. “I’m sure. But seriously, tons of women don’t shave their legs anymore. It doesn’t fucking matter. I doubt women in Shakepeare’s day had perfectly smooth legs.”

Isak couldn’t help but laugh at that. True enough.

“Okay. So…I’m good, then?” Isak asked shyly, biting his bottom lip.

Eskild smiled again, this time flashing his teeth. “Yes, Issy. You’re perfect.”

Even arrived at the apartment ten minutes later, dressed in his Romeo costume complete with sword. Eskild was the one to greet him and bring him into the kitchen, talking animatedly about the latest episode of their show.

Isak stood cautiously around the corner, trying to gather up the courage to come out. He knew it was kind of dumb to be nervous. He imagined Even would love his costume no matter what.

But for some reason, this felt really special. It felt monumental, and Isak had put a lot of work into this; into making Even happy. The last thing he wanted was to disappoint him.

“Juliet? Shall we away?” Even called and Isak snorted out a laugh.

_You ridiculous cutie pie._

Isak took in a deep breath and then rounded the corner, walking directly towards Even as Eskild clapped his hands together happily. Even held out his hands, waiting for Isak to take them and when he did Even scooped Isak’s up and kissed his knuckles.

“Hi.” Isak blushed.

Stupid goddamn face. Could he go one day without blushing?

“Hi.” Even smiled, reaching up to see Isak; running his hands along Isak’s face, the long brown wig that was tied half up half down, and finally to his waist. “You look…”

Isak waited, searching Even’s eyes. Which were uncovered.

 _Holy shit_.

Was Even going out in public to this dance without his sunglasses?

“You look beautiful.”

**

It was one thing for Even to admire Isak’s costume. It went along with their Romeo and Juliet idea, and they were a couple. And it was cute and all.

But now.

 _Now_ Isak was faced with the reality of going out in front of more people like this. In a dress. Again, _holy shit_.

Magnus, Mahdi and Jonas had opted out of their idea to go as the three stooges and decided instead on going as the three musketeers. They had all whined about Even being the only one who got to have a sword.

So the boys were wearing long black wigs and fancy, 18th century fighting gear which they were sweating in. They didn’t tease Isak for being in a dress at all. If anything, they said that Isak and Even looked awesome and they were envious of how cool Isak was; cool in the sense that he wasn’t stuck under about five layers and sweating his dick off.

Isak had been grateful that nobody teased him for being in a dress, and as the pregame went on, Isak kind of forget he was even wearing one. Even wouldn’t stop holding his hand or placing light kisses on Isak’s cheeks.

It was all very romantic.

But now they were leaving Jonas’s house and going to the actual dance, where the rest of their school would be able to see Isak in said dress.

_Crap._

“Your palms are all sweaty.” Even commented, leaning closer to Isak on the tram. “Are you nervous?”

“No.” Isak lied, shaking his head. “It’s hot in here.”

“Sure.” Even smiled doubtfully. “Even though it’s October and you aren’t wearing a coat.”

Isak just huffed, wishing the tram would go faster so he could just get the inevitable humiliation over with.

**

Even could actually feel how nervous Isak was as he clung to Even. Isak was shaking and breathing heavily, twitching as they walked which Even assumed meant Isak was looking around him quickly.

Even knew Isak was worried about people judging him for wearing the dress. Ever since the rude guy’s comments in the dressing room Isak had been on edge. He moved away quicker from their kisses in public. He didn’t reach for Even’s hand as often at school.

Even knew about it and he understood. He wanted to let Isak take things at his own pace. But there was also this small problem of that fact that Isak was wearing a dress. He was wearing a dress _for Even,_ because Even had asked him to dress up.

And Isak had done it.

_Willing._

Even hadn’t lied when he’d initially said that Isak was beautiful. He’d gotten his hands on his boyfriend and _saw_ how much work Isak had put into his costume. He could feel the fabric of the dress, soft as Isak’s skin. His wig, pulled back but long enough to reach his chest. The way Isak went all shy and unsure, stepping from foot and foot and waiting for Even to say something.

It had made Even actually speechless.

Even didn’t have some kind of dress-up kink, although Isak would be hot in everything. It was just…the _gesture._ The fact that Isak wanted to please Even; show him that he’d put so much thought into Even’s idea.

He fucking _loved_ this boy with all his heart and he didn’t quite know if he could keep his hands to himself tonight. Not when Isak was clinging to him, unconsciously making Even his embarrassment shield.

His fingers twitched, wanting to see again. He never wanted to see anything else.

“Even?” Isak called in his ear, trying to be heard over the music.

Even snapped out of his haze and turned his face in the direction of Isak, smiling. “Yeah?”

“Sana is over there. Want to go and say hi? She’s waving at us.”

“Whatever you want, Juliet.” Even teased, pushing his chin forward until he could place a small kiss on the tip of Isak’s nose.

To his ultimate surprise, Isak relaxed. His muscles stopped tensing and he laughing, giving Even an Eskimo kiss in return.

_Please never leave._

**

To Isak’s ultimate surprise, nobody said anything. Nobody gave him crap for dressing up as a girl character from a film, or that he was wearing a wig.

He kept waiting for it. Maybe from Sana. Maybe from Eva.

Sana had known he was planning to go as a girl – as Juliet, because he’d ultimately broken down and explained it - and she’d _laughed_. But as she took in the sight of Isak and Even entering the dance party, she just broke out into a big, goofy grin. Isak smiled at her, waving back before guided Even over to her.

Sana and Chris were dressed up as salt and pepper shakers. Sana was the salt.

 _Fitting,_ Isak thought.

“Wow. Look at you two!” Sana said, pulling them both into a hug.

Chris nodded in approval and fist bumped Isak. “Nice.” She said, looking Isak up and down like she normally did. It was still weird but Isak just laughed it off.

“Yeah? We look nice?” Even asked, smiling his huge smile.

“You look awesome.” Sana said. “Everyone seems to have put some effort in this year.”

“Tell me some of the costumes.” Even requested, holding Isak tight around his waist. Isak gripped him back just as tightly as he scanned the room, finally feeling his body relax.

_Nobody cares. It’s fine. Breathe._

“Vilde looks like…a mermaid?” Isak tried, taking in the sight of Vilde in what looked like fishtail tights and purple accessories.

“I lent her my purple necklace.” Chris nodded.

“Eva is an astronaut.” Isak laughed, seeing how sweaty Eva was beneath the costume. Everyone needed to have costumes that wouldn’t make them feel like they stepped into a sauna, Isak thought.

“Penetrator Chris, or as I refer to him, _the lesser Chris,_ is the moon.” Sana rolled her eyes.

“So she’s going to land on the moon?” Even tried, smirking.

“ _Ride the moon,_ according to him.”

Isak, Even and Chris burst out laughing but Sana just continued to look unimpressed. Isak had a sudden mental image of Sana going up to Eva and Chris and dumping actual salt on them, while yelling something about getting their shit together.

“I love this song. Let’s dance!” Chris announced at the song change, pulling Sana’s hand and motioning for Isak and Even to follow.

Isak panicked for only a moment before Even’s arms were around him again, swaying to the beat of the song and laughing as they stood in the middle of the dance floor under the hot lights.

Chris was singing along loudly as the song continued to play, shaking her hips in her pepper shaker costume; making everyone smile.

 _“Ooh shit, I’m a dangerous man with some money in my pocket_  
(Keep up)  
So many pretty girls around me and they waking up the rocket  
(Keep up)  
Why you mad? Fix ya face  
Ain’t my fault y’all be jocking  
(Keep up)  
  
Players only, come on  
Put your pinky rings up to the moon”

**

An hour and a half into the dance, Even suspected that Isak was tired of dancing. He was dragging his feet more, standing still sometimes even during fast songs. And he kept trying to pull Even to go and sit down; not just grab something drink and then head back out to dance.

So, Even was freaking out that his plan would fail.

Which felt _shitty,_ because his plan was awesome. And cute. And romantic.

Seriously. He impressed himself sometimes.

“I think Isak wants to leave soon.” He whispered to Sana, squeezing her hand to try and convey his anxiety.

She scoffed. “I don’t think so. He just wants to sit down for a minute.”

“But, I need him to keep dancing. Remember? I need him on the dancefloor.” Even said, biting his bottom lip as he gazed in Sana’s direction.

Realization seemed to dawn on her. “Oh. _Oh._ Right. When is that happening?”

“Any minute now.”

Isak was suddenly by Even’s side again, back from the bathroom, and he sighed deeply as he leaned into Even. “ _Baby.”_ He whined. “Can we _please_ sit down for a while?”

“Not just yet.” Even replied, kissing Isak’s cheek.

“But why?”

As if on cue, the DJ cleared his throat as the currently playing song faded out and he tried to get everyone’s attention. “Excuse me. Listen up Nissen school. We have a very special song coming on next.”

Even smiled, clutching Isak’s hand. “Take me to the middle of the dancefloor.” He requested, asking the question directly into Isak’s ear.

“ _What?”_

“Please?”

After another second of hesitation, Isak started to guide Even into the right direction; pushing past people as they walked.

_Perfect._

“This song goes out to Isak Valtersen.” The DJ continued and Even could feel Isak freeze.

 _Please don’t hate me,_ Even thought as he clutched Isak’s hand.

“From your Romeo.”

**

A spotlight shone down on Isak and Even as a strangely familiar song began playing. Isak was trying to place it, trying to figure out _how he knew this song,_ but suddenly he couldn’t think properly.

Because everyone in the damn room was staring at them.

Isak glanced around, catching some of his friend’s eyes and feeling his lungs constrict. _Literally_ everyone at the dance was gathered around them and watching them; backing away from the middle of the dance floor to form a circle around them.

Isak was just on the verge of hyperventilating when he felt a soft hand on his face, guiding his chin until all he could see under the light was Even.

Even who didn’t have his sunglasses on.

Even who was smiling at him, flashing his teeth and pulling Isak slowly into the circle of his arms.

“Dance with me?”

**

 _Pride can stand_  
A thousand trials  
The strong will never fall  
But watching stars without you  
My soul cried  
Heaving heart is full of pain  
Oh, oh, the aching  
  
'Cause I'm kissing you, oh  
I'm kissing you.

It was the song.

The song from the film, where Romeo and Juliet first see each other.

Even hoped beyond hope that Isak would know that; that he would remember. It was Even’s favourite part of the film and now it had taken on a whole new meaning for him.

Even had never believed in love at first sight. It all seemed like crap. And then he’d gone blind, so he figured all chances of that happening had gone out the window anyways.

But then there was _Isak._

Even reached a hand up to Isak’s face and as they swayed together to the song, Even felt the love that was in every touch; every breath and cell and life that was in them.

Isak was breathing heavily, his face heating up under Even’s hand. He hadn’t exactly touched Even back yet, and Even was starting to worry this was too much. Too public. Too open.

Too much Isak was seeing.

But _then._

 _Touch me deep_  
Pure and true  
Gift to me forever  
  
'Cause I'm kissing you, oh  
I'm kissing you

Isak brought his hand up to Even’s face, stroking his cheek and then his jaw. Hairline. Lips. Scars.

Eye lids.

And then their lips were together, just as Even had imagined and hoped for and it was unlike anything else; under that spotlight. Being seen by everyone but only seeing each other.

**

_Where are you now?  
Where are you now?_

Isak pulled away from the kiss long enough to say, “Here, Even. I’m here.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone has not seen this film, here is the scene with the song from Romeo and Juliet: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8JoOpx6VwHk 
> 
> I also highly recommend listening to Des'ree's song "Kissing You" during the end of this chapter ;) 
> 
> Comments always welcome and appreciated!
> 
> **Just a note: I'm approaching the end of this fic. Only a few more chapters to go!**


	23. Happiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter in Even's POV.

_“Even, it’s okay!”_

_“Nothing is okay, Elias. I can’t, okay? I just can’t.”_

_Elias was trying to hold onto Even’s shoulders, perhaps bring him into a hug, but Even wouldn’t allow it. He kept pulling away, holding himself at arm’s length from his friend. Elias had to_ see _how awful Even was right?_

_Clearly he had to know._

_“It doesn’t matter to me, Even.” Elias said, his voice quieter now. “I’ve never cared about any of that shit. Neither does Yousef or Mutta or anyone!”_

_But Mikael cared._

_And Mikael was friends with Elias. With Yousef. With everyone else._

_Even could only imagine what Mikael had said about him; how Mikael had explained how sick Even was, how he’d tried to force himself onto Mikael._

_And he was_ right. _There was something wrong with Even. Something horribly wrong._

_“I told you a long time that I don’t agree with half the shit Mikael says or does. Even, come on…”_

_Again, Elias reached for Even. He put his hands on Even’s chest, over his heart, and pushed down a little; making Even feel it._

_“You’re my_ friend _, Even.”_

_Even wanted to push away again, wanted Elias as far away from everything that he was; to protect him and shield him and give him a way out. But the contact was also nice. He’d always trusted Elias and he wanted to believe him now. He wanted to believe it so badly._

_“When was the last time you slept, Ev?” Elias whispered, reaching a hand up to Even’s face; touching his cheek._

_Two days, Even wanted to say. It’s been two days since my head was on a pillow._

_“Elias, I…”_

_“Why don’t you try and sleep? I’ll be here. Just, take a nap or something. I can make you some dinner.”_

_Even closed his eyes and unintentionally leaned into Elias’s touch. His hand was soft and warm and Even suddenly wanted to cry._

_“That’s it, Even. It’s all right.”_

_Nothing was all right._

_And now Elias might think…_

_Shit._

_No, no. No._

_Even pushed Elias, more force behind it then he intended. He heard Elias let out a surprised noise before he had to step back to catch himself._

_“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, Elias. I would never…I don’t think of you like that. I’m…sorry. I…” Even stammered, his head spinning._

_He couldn’t_ think.

_“Even. You gotta calm down, man. It’s okay.”_

_“You need to leave.” Even blurted out. “Now.”_

_“Even…”_

_“Elias, please. Leave!”_

_He had to save his friend. Push him away from all that Even was, all that he could never be. Elias deserved a better friend. He deserved everything that Even could never offer._

_Even heard his door close softly a moment later and he let himself fall to the floor, head buried in his hands. He sobbed and sobbed until he fell asleep in a small heap on the floor._

_Nobody was home. It was the middle of the day. Einar was at school. His mother was at work. Elias should have been at school but he’d come to see Even anyway after days of no contact._

_So Even was surprised to be awakened by a crying Sonja, who pulled Even up and into a hug so tight it knocked the breath out of him._

_“You stupid, stupid asshole.” Sonja cried. “Don’t do this, Even. We love you. You’re_ loved, _do you hear me? I won’t let you disappear.”_

_Even didn’t go back to school that year. He fell behind, didn’t graduate._

_The world had come to a stand-still; a stagnated, sour stain._

_**_

Mid-November brought on a lot more snow than was normal and Even got a bad cold. He missed nearly a week of classes and had to stay home in bed, drinking endless amounts of tea and eating only chicken soup.

Isak, of course, brought him all his course work and helped him do it each day after school; curled up in Even’s bed.

It was a miracle Isak didn’t get sick too.

It was the Monday following Even’s week of illness hell, and he’d just gotten home from school. Isak was with him because they were always together, something Isak’s friends and Sana constantly pointed out.

But his house was empty without Isak.

Isak’s apartment was often empty without Even, Isak noted. And Einar missed Even if he was gone too many days at Isak’s, so it was becoming normal to just go to Even’s place all the time now.

Even was barely through the door before he heard Einar running down the hallway. He braced himself for the hug, holding out his arms to Einar.

“Even!” Einar shouted, barrelling so hard into his brother that Even feared he would fall over. “How was school? Let me feel your face. You might still have a fever.”

Isak chuckled behind them.

“I’m okay, bud. Let me go. I can’t breathe.”

“You feel normal temperature. I learned how to spell ‘temperature’ today.” Einar explained, pulling Even’s sleeve until they were all in the kitchen.

“That’s awesome.”

“Want a drink?” Isak asked, heading for the fridge.

“Tea. I think I’m addicted now thanks to my mom.” Even laughed, allowing Einar to sit on his lap at the table. The kid was really becoming too big for this, but Even liked it when Einar asked. The day would come when he wouldn’t want to sit with Even anymore, so Even enjoyed it while it lasted.

Even enjoyed everything about his life right now. He couldn’t remember being this blindingly ( _heh)_ happy before. He knew that the year hadn’t started that long ago. He hadn’t known Isak for what people would consider a long period of time. But he could say with certainty that he’d never been so full of joy before.

If he could trust anything, it was that simple truth.

**

It had been two and a half weeks since Even had seen Sonja.

She’d sent him dozens of messages. She wanted to meet up. She wanted to see him face to face. He had just kept replying that he needed time; a break was good, he’d get back to her.

But he _missed_ her. He couldn’t lie to himself. Of course he missed her. The banter, the date nights. The endless amount of time they’d spent lying around in each other’s rooms, talking about anything.

Sonja had become a huge part of his life, especially after he cut off contact with a lot of his other friends. Sonja refused to leave him, refused to let him squander all his relationships with people; especially his friends at Bakka.

Even knew that Sonja was a good person. And that’s why he agreed to see her even though he was still kind of pissed about what she’d done. But he figured he owed her the time to at least explain herself.

Her hands were settled around a cup of coffee and she wasn’t budging. He’d reached out to her twice and her hands were still there; locked around the cup like she was frozen.

“Sonja. Can you say something?” He asked, sighing.

Silence.

He chewed on his bottom lip and then drank more of his own coffee, waiting. He knew she would speak eventually because the girl was a waterfall of words on any given day. She could talk until her face went blue and she was out of breath.

“I don’t know where to start.” She finally whispered, clearing her throat when her voice broke. “You’re here in front of me now and I…don’t know how to say what I want to say.”

“Just say it, Sonny. I’m not running away.” Even assured her. And that was the truth. He’d vowed to listen and he wasn’t turning back now.

“I’m sorry, Even.” She blurted out. “I’m just so sorry about it all. It was such a dumb thing to do, but Mikael…he just has this _way_ , you know? He makes it seem like he’s completely in the right and I fell for it.”

Even nodded, understanding. He did know _the way._ It was confusing and frustrating and like a rabbit hole you couldn’t help but fall down into.

“I know. I just didn’t want Isak to be involved.”

“I never meant to hurt Isak, or you.” She said, and Even could tell that she was crying now. “I’m so mad at myself. I shouldn’t have been thinking about him, I should have been thinking about _you.”_

Even didn’t reply to that because he couldn’t disagree. He wished Sonja had thought more about his feelings and not Mikael’s, especially after what he’d been through following Mikael’s outburst last year. Sonja had seen his collapse, his dissent into the worst depression of his life.

But he also had to forgive her because his thoughts about Mikael were easily changed as well. Until rather recently he’d practically forgiven Mikael too. He had wanted Mikael back as a friend; messaged him that very thing after he met Isak.

Even had ironically been blinder if not just as blind as Sonja.

He could see that now.

“I forgive you, Sonja.” Even finally said, pulling her hands away from the cup. He took both her hands in his own and caressed her soft skin, rubbing circles into her palms. “Please hear me, okay? I love you.”

Sonja sobbed louder now, but she held onto him. “ _Fuck,_ Even. I missed you. I can’t handle my life without you. You’re my best friend and I just…I want you to be so fucking happy, okay? You deserve to be _fucking happy_.”

**

Even had always been stubborn. He was head strong and independent and he knew what he wanted from a young age. He wanted to be nice to people and _happy._ He had this feeling that people weren’t happy enough, and so he was determined to be happy.

One thing Even always thought was that people who were happy didn’t need therapy. If a person was happy they didn’t have problems to spill to another person; a professional who could then tell that person how to be happy.

In Even’s mind, people were happy or they weren’t happy and either way it was up to them to make that choice.

That hadn’t really changed when Even went blind. Not really. Even still wanted to be happy, he just figured he had to lower his expectations for what constituted happiness for blind people. Maybe he would never have a relationship. Maybe he just wasn’t meant for that.

Maybe he would never be a film director like he’d always hoped. Well, _of course_ he wouldn’t be a director. That was absurd.

But Even had told himself it was still his choice. He could still choose to have this happy life. And so when his mother and father suggested Even see a child psychologist and attend these meetings in a church basement for people experiencing loss, he had outright refused.

What a joke.

He didn’t need to sit around and talk about being blind. He didn’t need to dwell on what had been _lost._ He would just make the choice to move forward on his own. He didn’t need anyone’s help.

His father left a year later and his mother suggested Even should “talk to someone.” Like talking would somehow make his father love him more and come back and be fine with having a blind – and gay - son.

Nope. It was stupid. Again, he refused and tried to choose to be happy despite being more broken than he was two years ago; back when he could see and he had a father.

He was broken but happy. It made sense in his stubborn mind.

But then Even couldn’t sleep. He was sixteen now, working his way through school relatively easily despite being blind and he had friends. He had Mikael. Things were okay.

But he couldn’t sleep. And he had this alarming urge one day to make all the food in the fridge and go out and buy as many pairs of socks as he could find because he needed them. And the baby food for Einar wasn’t good enough. Einar deserved candy that would give his baby teeth cavities because he needed luxuries in life. Not broccoli.

Even was happier, _higher,_ than he’d ever been and he thought he’d chosen that. He made it happen. His brain was limitless in ideas, in desires, and fuck maybe he could be a director someday because right now he could see _everything._

Until the world went deafeningly black. So void of colour and life and any trace of happiness that it made Even burn out entirely. He was just _gone._

And that hadn’t been a choice.

He would never choose to feel how he felt right before he was diagnosed bipolar. Right before he smashed everything in his room and nearly threw pieces of glass in his brother’s face; innocent, sweet, loveable Einar, who cried and screamed in Astrid’s arms as she desperately tried to calm Even.

When the storm had cleared he hadn’t taken the advice of his doctor to see a therapist. His mother had practically begged him. But he still didn’t want to because…just _because._ What could anyone tell him?

He doubted there were tons of blind and bipolar and _gay_ people therapists had seen so they could give Even just the right advice on how to live. People like him didn’t exist. People like him couldn’t exist because Even refused to believe more people could be this damaged; this irreversibly flawed.

That’s how he’d started Nissen; believing he didn’t need to talk to a therapist because he had to be some kind of anomaly. He was choosing this path, this therapist-less path, because there was no help for him. All the things that needed fixing couldn’t be fixed. A therapist couldn’t fix his blindness or take away the bipolar disease that hung out in his head.

And they certainly couldn’t stop him from liking boys.

Even had thought he’d found this limited sort of happiness, the one centered around his baby brother’s laugh and his phone calls and best friend dates with Sonja. The happiness that he’d chosen because that’s what he deserved. He deserved a small amount, a dalliance with this thing called happiness.

Even had always imaged happiness as a thing that _was._ It existed. It breathed on its own in your life because you planted it there. You dug its roots.

But Even hadn’t dug the roots that led him to Isak. Even hadn’t imagined anything close to what he found with Isak; what he could finally, clearly see.

Isak wasn’t planned but he was certainly a choice. Even had chosen to seek him out. He’d chosen to keep talking to Isak and spend time with him and kiss him and show him parts of himself that he’d kept hidden.

Even had chose Isak, and then happiness had…grown. It had started small and then turned into this ginormous, wonderful part of Even’s existence. And it wasn’t going away any time soon.

_Isak_ wasn’t going away. Isak was right here, choosing Even right back; allowing their love to stay alive by choosing Even.

Even never wanted to stop choosing Isak. He never wanted to give up his right to choose, to keep happiness in his life via his love for Isak. And that would mean working on himself.

He’d spent considerable time thinking about it, wondering why after everything he’d been through he’d never sought out help. He never wandered further than his circle of friends, or Mikael or his mother and brother. He’d spent so much time denying himself a chance to heal all for the sake of _being happy,_ and being happy meant choosing to be…kind of alone.

Not talking about the struggles of being blind. Not talking about how fucking awful it felt to know his father left because of him. Not talking about how much he struggled with being in love with a boy who confused the hell out of him growing up; teasing and taunting and making it seem like love was the worst state of being.

Even had brushed it all aside and had blinded himself further; buried himself under excuses and this absurd determination to be happy.

_Being happy._

“What does that mean to you now, Even? Being happy?”

Here he was. In a leather chair. Across from a professional with a notepad and a kind, light voice. A person who he’d been seeing for a week and who he already was quite fond of. That tended to happen when you poured your heart out, emptied it all onto the floor and basically said “ _See? See my life before your eyes_.” And the person didn’t run from you. They simply opened their arms and said, “ _Yes, I see. I see you.”_

“Happiness is something that is created. Something that comes from a lot of things and people. You just have to…be open to it. And I think I finally understand that quote from Christopher McCandless. You know the movie based on his life? ‘Into the Wild?’” Even asked, raising his eyebrows at his new therapist.

“Which quote?”

Even smiled, remembering; feeling thankful he didn’t need to be close to death to finally understand this.

“Happiness is only real when shared.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to start the road to a healing process for Even. Isak is awesome for him but I think he needed to further his recovery/start his new life by getting some real help. I've personally benefited from therapy and I imagined Even finally allowing himself to focus on his feelings now, rather than shoving them down as deep as possible. :)
> 
> Comments/feedback always welcome and appreciated! Love you all <3


	24. Brave New World

02:37 was when Isak got the call. His phone had blared at him, waking him from a deep sleep and he groaned as he rolled over to try and reach it. It was one the rare nights when Isak was alone at his apartment because Even had a test he needed to study for at home.

When Isak saw it was Even who was calling him, he woke up slightly easier.

“Baby, I actually do need beauty sleep you know. We can’t all wake up flawless like you.” Isak teased, smiling to himself as he sat up and turned his light on.

“Isak?”

That wasn’t Even’s voice. It was Astrid.

“Um, hi. Astrid?”

“Isak, I’m sorry to wake you sweetheart but…” Astrid cut off sobbing and Isak immediately just _knew_ that something was wrong. Something bad had happened.

“What is it? What happened?”

“It’s Even, honey. There’s been an accident.”

**

Isak had never gotten dressed faster in his life. He kept Astrid on speaker as she gave him the details of the accident but Isak hardly heard her. All he wanted to know was that Even was _alive._ The rest of it - something about Even going out to get an energy drink to pull an all-nighter and a car not stopping in time - didn’t matter.

Isak just needed to know that Even was going to be okay.

“Isak, honey just listen to me okay?” Astrid was saying and she began to say something else, but Isak couldn’t really hear her. He just couldn’t stop speaking as he tied his shoes.

“I’m coming. I’ll be there. I’ll be there, Astrid. Please. _Please.”_ Isak was muttering, not entirely sure of his own words as he ran into the kitchen in search of his keys. “I love him. Tell him. Would you please tell him?”

_Don’t you dare die, Even. I’ll kill you if you leave me._

“He knows, Isak. He _knows._ But Isak…”

Isak hung up before she could say anything else; before she could possibly tell Isak that the love of his life was dead.

**

Isak was apparently shouting into the phone and it woke Eskild up. Isak tried to push past Eskild into the streets to go and catch a tram, but Eskild stood in the doorway and looked at Isak with such a serious expression that it made Isak stop dead.

“Isak. You need to just take a second and breathe.”

“I have to go, Eskild. I have to go now.” Isak said, again not sure of his voice volume. It sounded normal in his head but Eskild was flinching.

“What’s going on?” Eskild asked calmly, his hand on Isak’s arm.

“Even’s been hit by a car. I have to go before he dies and he never knows how much I love him. I need to go right now.”

Eskild’s eyes widened and Isak was grateful that Eskild finally understood why Isak was rushing, practically vibrating where he stood with anxiety. _I have to go, I have to be there, I have to bring him back._

“I’m coming with you.”

**

Eskild had apparently texted Jonas because when Isak got into the emergency room at the hospital Jonas was there already, looking tired and half asleep but he had enough energy to pull Isak into a hug.

“Fuck, Isak. You’re shaking.”

“Where is he? Where is he?”

“Isak, it’s okay.”

“Take me to him. Please.” Isak said, again not sure of how loud he was being.

Isak walked with Jonas and Eskild further into the emergency waiting room where Isak saw Astrid and Einar, who was asleep on her lap. Isak rushed over to her and knelt down, seeing the dried tear tracks on her face.

“Astrid. He’s alive. Tell me he’s alive?” Isak said, knowing he was whispering now because Einar didn’t wake up.

Astrid stared up at Isak, Jonas and Eskild with wide eyes and it made Isak’s heart sink. But then she said, “Isak he’s _okay._ I was trying to tell you what happened but you weren’t listening to me, honey.”

Isak felt Jonas beside him, squeezing his shoulder. It somehow grounded Isak and he looked at his best friend; the fog of worry slightly clearing. Because apparently Even was alive.

_Even is alive._

“I…I was…I thought he…” Isak couldn’t pick a sentence to finish.

“Isak thought Even was hit by a car.” Eskild interjected, looking at Astrid.

Astrid nodded. “Yes. Even was hit, but the car slowed down enough that Even didn’t sustain major injuries when it hit him. He’s cut up a bit and he might have a fracture in his arm where he landed on the pavement, but he’s going to be _fine._ I was just so worried. I didn’t mean to scare you Isak, or make you think Even was…”

She cut herself off. Isak knew she didn’t want to imagine her son dead either.

“Oh my god. Maybe lead with that next time, huh?” Eskild snapped. “Isak was worried out of his mind!”

“I’m sorry, Isak. I’m stupid.” Astrid said, tears springing into her eyes.

“No, no, don’t cry. I should have listened to you.” Isak replied, putting his arms around Astrid.

“I’ve just been so terrified of something like this happening since he went blind!”

Einar stirred in her arms and he blinked up wearily at Isak. “Isak? Why are you here? Oh, right. We’re at the hospital. Where’s Evy? Mamma?”

“Shh. Even is fine. We can see him soon.” Astrid told her youngest.

“We can? When?” Isak asked, sitting next to Astrid as Jonas and Eskild sat in the seats across from them. Eskild was still shaking his head at the situation but Jonas shot him a look that clearly meant ‘shut the fuck up.’

“The doctor is just examining him and making sure he doesn’t have a concussion. He hit his head…when it happened.”

Isak tried not to flinch at the thought of it. He didn’t want to imagine Even alone in a dark street when some asshole who was probably driving too quickly smacked into him, making him fall.

Isak was tired of seeing Even pushed to the ground.

_I should have been there._

“Did the driver hit him and then drive away?” Isak asked, clenching his fists.

“No. He’s the one who brought Even to the hospital. He’s sitting over there.” Astrid motioned behind Isak and he whirled around, meeting the eyes of a middle aged man who looked utterly miserable.

“And you’re just fine with him sitting in here with you? How _dare_ he!” Isak snapped, not trying to be quiet. He was insanely furious.

Astrid reached for Isak’s hand and put it between her own, forcing Isak to look at her. “It _wasn’t_ his fault, Isak. He wasn’t speeding or drunk. Even walked into the street before he could brake hard enough to stop. Even thought the streets would be empty because it was so late. He miscalculated and _that’s_ what I’ve always been afraid of even though it’s never happened before.”

Isak tried to absorb what she’d said but it sounded like she was saying it was Even’s fault and that wasn’t something Isak was prepared to agree with, considering his boyfriend had just been hit by a fucking car.

“You can’t seriously be blaming Even.”

“No, Isak. It wasn’t his fault either. It was just a horrible accident and it could have been worse. It was the thought of what _could_ have happened that had me so upset. If it had been a drunk driver or someone going faster…God, I _can’t_ think of it.” Astrid whispered, looking at the ground.

“Family of Even Bech Nӕsheim?”

Everyone turned to look in the direction of the nurse’s voice who had her eyebrows raised expectantly, gazing around the waiting room. Astrid stood up and grabbed Einar and Isak’s hands, pulling them along beside her. “That’s us.”

“You’re immediate family?” The woman asked.

“I’m his mother. This is his brother and this is his boyfriend.” Astrid explained, sounding annoyed. “Can we see him now please?”

The nurse looked Isak up and down with a slight frown on her face. Isak frowned right back at her because he could only imagine what she was thinking. He probably didn’t qualify as ‘immediate family’ to her.

“I can only let family members in right now unfortunately.”

Isak was about to say something about letting Astrid and Einar go in first because it just wasn’t worth the argument and Even needed someone in there with him, but Astrid wouldn’t let him let go of her hand. “Isak _is_ my son’s family, thank you very much. Now let me see my son.”

Astrid pulled Isak and Einar along behind her as she made her way towards the rooms where patients were treated. The nurse ran after them but didn’t protest any further.

“Text us, Isak!” Jonas called and Isak just had enough time to turn around and yell out ‘thank you’ before he walked down the hallway and his friends were out of sight.

**

“He’s in here. I’ll have the doctor come by to talk to you soon.” The nurse stated, throwing one last dirty look at them before she walked away.

Astrid put up her middle finger in the nurse’s direction and then winked down at Einar who looked up at her in awe. Clearly it wasn’t something he was used to seeing his mother do.

“Hello?” Even called, able to hear them from where he was sitting.

“Evy!” Einar called, running into the room and up to his brother.

“Hi honey.” Astrid said, hiccupping out a small cry as she rushed over to Even’s bedside and gripped his hand.

“Mom.” Even whispered, reaching for her. “And my awesome Abraham Lincoln expert of a brother.” That made Einar giggle as he sat on the bed.

Isak was frozen in the doorway; reality still sinking in that Even was okay. Even was right here in front of him, talking and breathing. His heart was beating. Isak kept telling himself that. Even was never close to death, even though Isak had believed it to be true for longer than he wanted to remember.

“Are you okay? Oh baby, I was so worried.” Astrid said, kissing Even’s cheeks.

“I’m okay. My head hurts a little and my arm needs a sling, but no concussion. The doctor says I got off pretty easy for someone who got hit by a car.” Even smiled. And Isak couldn’t help but suck in a sharp breath as he watched.

_I never thought I’d see you smile again._

Even turned back to the door, in Isak’s direction, and frowned a little. “Is someone else there?”

Isak hung his head, unable to hold back anymore. He sobbed like a child, the adrenaline finally too much. He cried and felt the pressure build inside his own skull; the sound of blood rushing in his ears.

He had been so fucking _scared._

“Oh, _Isak.”_

Even was suddenly crying now too, holding out his arms in clear invitation; wanting Isak. But Isak still couldn’t fucking move. He felt so useless and stupid because Even was _alive._ He was right there in front of him. And Isak was being so stupidly dramatic.

Astrid stood up slowly and walked to Isak, putting her hands on either side of his face. Isak just blubbered into her touch, his knees weak.

“He’s right there, Isak. He’s okay. _You’re_ okay.” Astrid said.

“Yeah, Isak. Evy is fine!” Einar joined in, obviously confused as to why Isak and his brother were suddenly crying.

“I’m here, Isak. Come over to me. _Please._ ” Even begged.

It was that request that pushed Isak into motion, propelling himself forward until he could touch Even; entwine their fingers as he closed his eyes, letting the feel of Even wash over him in waves of relief. He put their foreheads together and tried to take in a deep breath.

“Even, I was so scared. I was so scared _. Oh, God_.” Isak said, no longer sobbing but tears were still steadily pouring down his face.

“Isak.” Even kept saying, over and over until they were silent; just clinging to each other.

Isak eventually reached up and pressed a kiss to Even’s dry lips, not caring that Even smelled like a hospital. Underneath all of that was the person Isak belonged to and he was alive. He put his hand over Even’s heart and felt the strong “ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum” rhythm of it.

“I love you. I love you so much.”

Even wiped the remaining tears off of Isak’s face before saying, “I know.”

“Mamma, Isak and Even are so weird.” Einar huffed and Isak burst out laughing, Even and Astrid joining him.

“You’re weird too, you know.” Astrid stated, tickling Einar’s sides.

**

Isak went home with Even and didn’t leave for two weeks straight. He made all Even’s meals, brought him lunches to school and looked four times before they crossed the streets together. He also didn’t let Even go out anywhere alone.

“Isak, you’re insufferable.” Even whined one day, pulling out of the hold Isak had on his hand as they crossed the street to the grocery store.

Isak stopped dead in his tracks because Even sounded genuinely annoyed with him, and that wasn’t something Isak was used to. Even had never really been angry with him before.

“I – I’m sorry.” Isak said, completely aware that they were kind of in the way of people walking on the sidewalk. But he didn’t move because Even looked _pissed._

“I’m not a child. I’ve…lived this way for a long time and I know how to get around. I know how to live without you monitoring me every second of my life. Okay?”

Isak’s first reaction was to point out that not long ago Even had been hit by a _car,_ and it could have been worse. He could have died. But he knew that probably wouldn’t make any difference to Even. He would still be upset. He would still be stubbornly wanting to do things by himself.

“Isak?” Even snapped, reaching out for him now. Maybe he thought Isak had just walked away from him.

“Yeah.” Isak said, touching Even’s hand to let him know he was still here.

“I’m not the bad guy here. I don’t want to be an asshole but you need to back off, okay?” Even sighed, his face switching from anger to fatigue.

Isak swallowed down what he wanted to say and decided to just nod; let Even do what he wanted. If he didn’t want Isak’s help, he wouldn’t give it to him.

“Fine. See you later then. Happy grocery shopping.”

Isak turned around and ignored the calls of his name. It was agony to leave Even because he was still terrified of something bad happening to him. But apparently he was ‘insufferable’ so he walked and walked until he was back at his apartment.

Part of him knew he was being childish and probably too sensitive, but he couldn’t make himself stop feeling this way. His phone vibrated in his pocket and he knew it was probably Even, but he ignored it.

_You wanted me to leave you alone, so that’s what I’m doing._

Eskild and Linn were watching a movie when Isak walked in and they both jumped up in surprise.

“Welcome home!” Eskild beamed, pulling Isak into a hug.

“Hey.” Isak grumbled, not hugging back.

Eskild frowned at him as he pulled away. “You’re about as warm as a grizzly bear right now.”

Isak sighed, sitting down on the couch and pulling a blanket over his head. Maybe if he just stayed here he wouldn’t have to deal with all these stupid feelings blooming inside his chest. He didn’t want to be annoyed with Even and he didn’t want Even to be annoyed with him, but that probably wasn’t changing any time soon.

He was annoyed that he was annoyed and wasn’t that just fucking _stupid._

“I’ll order some pizza.” Linn said, patting Isak’s shoulder.

“Carbs always make things better.” Eskild agreed, wrapping an arm around Isak even though he was still under the blanket.

**

Three slices of pizza and some chocolate ice cream later, Isak finally broke down and told Eskild what happened. Linn had gone to bed so it was just the two of them on the couch and Isak was only talking because he couldn’t watch another one of Eskild’s ‘rom-com’ movies about love being amazing.

“Damn, son.” Eskild sighed when Isak finished, pursing his lips.

“What?” Isak rolled his eyes because he was pretty sure Eskild was about to give him a lecture about everything he’d done wrong.

“I wouldn’t want my boyfriend out of my sight either after what happened. I know he’s independent and everything and that’s _good,_ but I don’t blame you for following him around.” Eskild said gently, patting Isak’s hand. “But you shouldn’t ignore him. That won’t help anything.”

“But he’s…mad. I’ve never really seen him this upset with me before and I can’t…” Isak cut himself off because he didn’t want to cry again or say something stupid.

“Isak. You have to talk stuff through. You have to tell him how you feel. That’s all he was doing; telling you how he feels. You owe him the same.”

Isak seriously hated it when Eskild was right.

Isak pulled out his phone and was just about to turn it back on to call Even when he heard their doorbell ring.

“Want to get that? I have to pee.” Eskild winked, running to the bathroom.

No, Isak didn’t really want to get the door but he pulled himself up from the couch and walked over, fully expecting it to be one of Eskild’s friends or boy toys. But when he pulled the door open he came face to face with Even who was flushed and breathing heavily like he had just run here.

“Um.” Isak said ineloquently. “Hi.”

“ _Jesus Christ_ , Isak. Did you throw your phone out the window or something?” Even asked, reaching out for Isak and putting his hands on his shoulders.

“I turned it off.” Isak admitted, stupidly happy to see his boyfriend. This whole fighting thing really sucked.

“You idiot.” Even smiled fondly, putting a kiss on Isak’s cheek. “So, do you hate me still? Look.” He motioned to his perfectly intact, unharmed body. “I survived grocery shopping and the tram ride all the way here.”

For some reason those words sparked all the annoyance back into Isak’s chest and he pulled away, fighting the urge to slam the door in Even’s face and tell him to go home. He walked into the living room after he pushed Even’s hands off of him.

“Good for you, Even.”

Even walked into the room a bit further, a surprised frown on his face. “Seriously, Isak? What is your _deal?”_

“My _deal_? You think I have a deal?” Isak snapped.

“Well, something is up. Are you angry because I told you I don’t need you to be my parent? I’m sorry, but that’s what you were doing! You weren’t my boyfriend anymore. You were my _caretaker,_ and I can’t have you doing that.”

“Excuse me for caring, Even! Excuse me that I’m worried about your well-being after you got hit by a goddamn car. Sorry if I’m not capable of shoving that fact into the back of my mind and being completely okay again. Sorry if every time I close my eyes I picture you walking across a street and a car coming and smacking into you – killing you this time, or causing you major brain injuries. I’m so fucking sorry that I care about you Even!”

Isak was panting by the end of it and trying really hard to hold back tears. He often cried when he was frustrated and upset.

“Isak…” Even whispered, looking broken now and Isak didn’t feel bad for saying what he did because it was the fucking truth. And Eskild told him to be honest about his feelings.

“I don’t want to be your _parent_ Even, but I can’t help… _fuck.”_ Isak wiped at the tears running down his face with the back of his hand. “I can’t help being scared, okay? I can’t help that I don’t want you to ever get hurt again.”

Even swallowed hard and he dropped his head to his chest, letting out a long breath. “I…fuck, Isak I’m sorry.”

Isak felt the anger leave inside him and it was replaced by this sudden urge to make things right. He wanted to try and understand Even’s side even though he felt strongly about his own. He took a few steps towards Even before he put a hand out.

“You don’t have to be sorry, Even.”

Even clung to Isak’s hand and Isak saw the tears on Even’s face too. “Well, you don’t either Isak. I know you’ve just been trying to help me.”

“But I’m guessing it went from being helpful to being…suffocating?” Isak tried to tease and that earned a laugh from Even.

“A little bit. I love you and always want you around, but I don’t need to hold your hand across the street because you’re worried about me. I want to hold your hand because…because I love you and we’re together. That’s the difference.” Even explained. “And I don’t need you fidgeting around me when I suggest going out somewhere, or telling me the coast is clear when I walk into an intersection.”

Isak bit his bottom lip and chuckled. “Okay. So I went a little overboard.” Even raised his eyebrows in Isak’s direction and Isak rolled his eyes. “Okay, _a lot_ overboard.”

Even pulled Isak into a hug and Isak nuzzled into his boyfriend’s neck, hating that Eskild was right. Talking _did_ make it better.

“You might like the idea my mom had.” Even said, kissing the shell of Isak’s ear. “It will probably relieve some of your anxiety about me doing things alone.”

“Oh yeah?”

Even pulled away and smiled brightly at Isak, apparently liking whatever the idea was himself. “She wants me to get a seeing-eye dog.”

**

Isak held Even close to him on his bed, loving the sight of Even in his clothes that Even had borrowed for the night. It had been a while since Even had stayed over.

Since Even’s accident, they hadn’t really gotten a lot of time alone where they could just focus on _them._ There had been a lot of time spent on worrying about how Even would do things with a sling and how to keep up with his school work since it was his dominant arm that was fractured. They had a lot of movie nights in with Einar and Astrid and then hung out with some friends after school; Isak’s idea to keep Even’s spirits up during the bad pain days.

Now, Isak felt warm and…horny, if he was being honest, as he stroked a hand on Even’s stomach just to feel his milky soft skin. He’d missed this and it was becoming clearer and clearer to Isak that he _had_ taken on the so-called parenting role to Even. At some point he’d stopped being a boyfriend.

They had barely kissed in the past two weeks and Isak was determined to make up for it now.

“Isak.” Even hummed, pushing his tongue out to meet Isak’s. “God, you taste good.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Come here.” Even motioned for Isak to get on top and straddle him. Isak was more than happy to oblige. He pushed down on Even with his weight and they both moaned, panting into each other’s mouths. Isak was already desperate.

“Even, I want…” Isak cut himself off at the feel of Even’s hand that wasn’t in his sling reaching around to palm Isak’s ass.

“What baby? I’ll do anything.”

Isak put a wet kiss on Even’s lips before he leaned back enough to say, “I want to feel you. Deep inside me like we said way too fucking long ago.”

Even smirked, remembering. “That _was_ too long ago, wasn’t it?”

Isak thrust his hips down, really not in the mood to wait anymore. “ _Please.”_

Even nodded, wrapping his hand in Isak’s hair and bringing him forward again; locking their mouths together. “I can’t really…do much right now.” He panted, motioning towards his arm.

That made an idea pop into Isak’s head and a wave of arousal shot through his whole body. “I can do the work, Evy. Let me ride you?”

**

Ten minutes later Isak had both their clothes on the floor and Even’s lubed fingers inside him, reaching where no-one had touched and it felt _incredible._ Isak was panting and begging, mumbling ‘please, please, please’ because he couldn’t help it and he couldn’t think of any other words.

Even kept kissing his face, unable to touch Isak anywhere else with his fractured arm. So Isak touched Even - saw Even - enough for the both of them; clinging to the taller boy with an iron grip as Even grazed his sweet-spot.

“Now, _now,_ Even. Let me…” _ride you,_ Isak wanted to say because he couldn’t get the idea out of his head; holding Even’s hips against the mattress as he moved himself up and down, taking it.

Even was equally as hard as Isak, dripping from the tip and breathing heavily into the base of Isak’s throat. He didn’t move his fingers out but instead thrust in harder, deeper, and Isak literally felt his eyes roll back. Apparently that was a thing that actually happened because it had been completely involuntary.

“Isak, fuck.”

Isak wanted to protest because he knew how good it felt to be inside Even and he wanted Even to experience that. But he was also feeling way too good to really make Even stop. His body was soaring higher and higher, his stomach tensing.

Even kept moving his fingers right over Isak’s prostate and Isak knew he was making too much noise, probably waking up both his roommates but he also couldn’t stop. It was too good, too deep, too intense to censor himself.

“I wanna feel you come on my fingers.” Even whispered right into Isak’s ear. “Please?”

Isak wasn’t about to say no, especially when he was already so fucking close. He probably didn’t even need to put a hand on his cock, which was fucking insane. He had never imagined that could be possible.

“Yes. Yes, I want it Even.”

Isak was technically riding Even already; his boyfriend’s back against the wall, Isak straddling his hips while Even’s hand was underneath him, allowing for Even’s cock to slide against the soft inside of Isak’s thigh. Isak brought his hands up to Even’s shoulders, squeezing and now determined to come just like this, with only Even’s fingers.

“Fuck, _fuck._ The things you do to me, baby.” Even moaned, pushing his hips up to rub tighter against Isak in little circles.

It hit Isak all at once; crashing over him in sudden waves that made his whole body clench and a loud groan rip from his throat. Even stopped moving his fingers because he couldn’t anymore, Isak’s body squeezing tight as hell.

It was the longest orgasm of his life and it nearly knocked the wind out of Isak. He let out a long, desperately needed breath when it was over and he opened eyes to find Even; who was flushed and also panting.

Isak moved his leg so he could lie next to Even, fully intending to make him come too, but when he looked down at Even’s lap he saw that Even already _had_ come. There was a mess on Isak’s sheets and Even blushed harder.

“I told you that you do things to me.” Even said as an explanation, moving his face over for a long kiss that Isak melted into.

“I think you might have killed me.” Isak stated when they pulled apart, putting his head down on Even’s chest.

“It’s not such a bad way to go.”

Isak smiled, sated and happy and so in love.

**

**Christmas**

“Next week our new dog comes home!” Einar announced to everyone who walked through the front door.

Even had told his brother several times that not everyone needed or wanted to hear about it, but Einar was too excited. Each night before he went to bed for the past three weeks he marked off on the calendar another day, which indicated how close they were to getting Even’s seeing-eye dog.

“It’s going to be the best New Year’s present ever!” Einar shouted, this time at Jonas, Magnus and Mahdi who had just arrived.

“Are you going to take him for walks every day?” Jonas asked, kneeling down to Einar’s height.

“Of course. Mom has helped me Google what dogs need and walking is really important. So are snuggles. The dog is going to sleep with Even but he said I can come in the morning and feed him.” Einar smiled.

Abraham Lincoln was long forgotten and in his place was now everything to do with dogs.

Isak walked into the kitchen, leaving his friends in the living room with Einar, and found his mother and Lea putting icing on some Christmas cookies. Astrid was also helping and her apron was covered in green and red sprinkles.

“I want to give Daddy this cookie. It’s a snowman.” Lea giggled, licking her fingers that were covered in the sugary icing.

“I think he’ll love it.” Marianne smiled, tickling Lea’s sides. “Oh, Isak! We made you a snowflake cookie. Here.”

His mother handed him the cookie and Isak accepted it, taking a dramatically big bite out of it that made Lea squeal with laughter. “It’s delicious.” Isak said, still chewing.

“This one is for Even.” Lea said, handing Isak a cookie shaped like a dog. Or, he assumed it was meant to be a dog.

“I’ll bring it to him.” Isak winked, leaning over to kiss his mother on her cheek. “Glad you came today, Mom.”

“Me too, honey.” Marianne said, and Isak’s heart swelled with joy.

His mother had more good days than bad now and she was able to see Lea a lot of the time. It made his sister beyond happy being around their mother again, especially at her favourite time of year which was Christmas. Isak bumped shoulders with his father in the hallway and told him that Lea had a cookie waiting for him.

“Perfect because I’m starving.” Terje smiled.

Isak found Even decorating the Christmas tree with Sonja and Elias, laughing about the homemade decorations. Originally, Eskild had wanted to create ornaments shaped like dicks and made from condoms but once Isak had told him Even’s little brother and his little sister would be here, he changed his mind. He surprisingly kept it PG and Isak was impressed. There were a lot of reindeer, Santa’s and snowflakes that his friends had spent the last two hours making while the food cooked.

“Looking good.” Isak said, leaning against the doorway.

Even turned towards him and smiled, his face lit up brighter than the lights on the tree; open and happy. “Thanks. Come here.”

Isak did, walking into Even’s arms and placing a kiss on his cheek.

“How cute.” Sonja sighed, looking stupid-happy.

“Too cute. I think I might throw up.” Elias pretended to gag but then shot them both a grin.

“The food is ready!” Astrid hollered from the kitchen. “Come and serve yourselves!”

Isak pulled on Even’s hand because he was actually super hungry, but Even kept him where he was, turning back to the tree. “Is it all done?” He asked.

“Yeah, just need to put the star at the top.” Sonja said, pulling it out of the box.

“You do it.” Even whispered in Isak’s ear. “Please.”

“Uh, okay?” Isak laughed curiously. He took the star and put it at the top of the tree and then stood back to admire it.

“Good job, us.” Elias complimented, patting himself on the back. “And now, we eat.”

Elias put his arm through Sonja’s and they headed towards the kitchen where everyone was crowded around, asking for plates and napkins. It sounded like a lot of commotion but it made Isak smile, knowing everyone they loved were all together.

“Why did you ask me to put up the star?” Isak asked, leaning into Even.

Even took Isak’s hand and turned him around, bringing them together into a soft, slow dance. Isak realized Even was moving to the slow music of “O Helga Natt” which was playing on Astrid’s stereo, forgotten by everyone else in the chaos of getting food.

“Because you’re my ray of hope and that’s what I think the star represents for me. The guiding light.” Even said, brushing his nose against Isak’s. “The _saving_ light.”

Isak wanted to say something about Even being the cheesiest person alive, but he just couldn’t. He couldn’t tease Even because he felt the same way. And his eyes were suddenly tearing up.

“You’re my star too.”

**

**January**

The golden retriever bumped his face against Even’s and then gladly accepted pets from Einar, who was practically in tears he was so excited. Isak stood back with Astrid who was beaming at her sons.

“What should we call him, Evy?” Einar asked.

Isak knew the name Even wanted; they had discussed it for the past two days. Even wanted the dog’s name to mean something, not just throw a random name at him like Frank or Doug or Todd. It wasn’t enough. It needed to have significance.

“I was thinking…Huxley.” Even said and Einar frowned in confusion. “After one of my favourite authors.”

“Huxley.” Einar said, trying the name out.

The dog perked its ears up at the sound of the name and then licked across Einar’s face, making the boy laugh. “I think he likes the name too.”

“It’s perfect.” Astrid nodded, squeezing Isak’s hand.

They took Huxley home that night and Einar wasted no time in showing Huxley everything that was going to be his; the bed, his collar, the walking harness that Even would use with him. Huxley just panted happily, giving out licks.

“I think he likes his new home!” Einar called from his bedroom, where he was sitting on his bed, Huxley at his feet.

Isak pulled Even into a hug and Even kissed his forehead. “I think he does too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your support with this story. I enjoyed writing it so much and it was quite the emotional ride. A lot of stuff is happening in my life right now and it may sound weird to say that writing in this fandom has been my peace, but it’s the truth. When everything has been chaotic, stressful and kind of sad these past few months I found myself writing and falling back into this world. I just can’t express how cathartic it has been to come back to these characters and put a little bit of myself into my narrative. I’m grateful for Skam and all of you <3  
> Comments/feedback welcome and appreciated. Alt er love.  
> (**Just a note, Aldous Huxley wrote the novel ‘Brave New World’ which this chapter is named after. I thought naming the dog Huxley was appropriate. I imagined Even would put a lot of thought into naming his dog**)

**Author's Note:**

> Come say hi  
> [here](http://photographer-of-thoughts.tumblr.com/)  
> <3


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